


All Alone... Sort Of

by Rixtide



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Birthday Party, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Books, Bruce Banner Is a Good Bro, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Can Draw, Bunnies, Cats, Dogs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Friendship, Hospital, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Mental Institutions, Panic Attacks, Pets, Pietro Maximoff is Still Alive, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-Winter Soldier, Recovery, Recovery with animals, Suicide Attempt, mute!bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-07-10 09:35:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 58
Words: 80,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6977959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rixtide/pseuds/Rixtide
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve finds Bucky in hiding, and shortly after, Bucky makes an attempt to end his own life. Steve's best friends Sam Wilson and Natasha support him as he aids Bucky in his recovery from PTSD. Many battles must be overcome, including everything from internal distress to finding the perfect birthday gift. The perfect mix of fluff and angst.</p><p>Daily updates are promised.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Hardest Part of Friendship is Loss

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for the first chapter. After this the story gets happier, I promise. Hang in there! Comments are welcome!

The phone call was the worst part.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

Silence.

What could he say? _Help, my friend tried to kill himself._  Steve was sure they get calls like that all the time, but the words just wouldn’t come out.

“Help… ambulance…”

The officer seemed to understand “Help is on the way, sir. Please stay on the pho-“

Click.  
He didn’t have time to stay on the phone. The phone fell from Steve’s hand and he leaned over Bucky, grasping him tight with one hand supporting his back and the other one clenching his right wrist in an attempt to stop the blood.

He could hear sobbing, but he wasn’t entirely sure if it was coming from him or Bucky. Everything blurred together. After what felt like hours, a flashing light could be seen through the window, illuminating the tiny apartment bathroom red.

Next there were voices, and someone was trying to pull Bucky away, but Steve only clenched his friend tighter. More voices, more lights, hands touching Steve’s arms and eyelids. All of it was so hard to comprehend. There was a vague memory of sitting in a swaying ambulance while Paramedics bustled around Bucky.

Red lights, red blood, the red star gleaming against the silver of Bucky’s arm.

And then there was darkness.

* * *

 

It was almost as if Steve had woken from a drunken sleep. He didn’t remember the events of the night before until he came to his senses and realized he had awoken in a waiting room. Suddenly everything was back full force. All of the emotions closed in on Steve at once. He ran to the nearest woman in sea green scrubs asking frantically about James Barnes.

After being told to wait where he was, a doctor entered the waiting room.

“Steve Rogers?” she called.

Steve practically jumped out of his seat and followed her through a door and into a hallway.

“So James is your friend?” she inquired.

“Bucky, yes.” Steve replied quickly.

“He is sedated now, but he should be ok.” Steve sighed in relief as he fought back tears. “Do you know if he has any family?” the doctor asked.

“No, just me.”

“Well,” the doctor drew in a deep breath before continuing, “As Ja- Bucky’s attempt on his life is a clear sign that he is a danger to himself, I have requested that he be moved to a psychiatric ward as a preventative measure.”

Steve looked stunned, but in all honesty, this didn’t come as a huge shock to him. Bucky has been seemingly on the ledge ever since Steve had found him, and probably even long before then. Bucky needed the help, and Steve knew that better than anyone.

After the doctor had explained the process and informed Steve more about Bucky’s condition, she led him to a room at the end of the hall

Bucky looked awful, and the sight of him made Steve’s heart ache. There were dark purple circles under his eyes and his right arm was bandaged and connected to an IV. His long hair was greasy and unkempt. Steve approached the bed slowly, but his friend was resting, so he would have to get comfortable and wait before he could talk to him.

About two hours later, there was a slight change in Bucky’s breathing. He was awake. Steve leaned forward in his chair, but didn’t make any sudden movements. Bucky just stared at the ceiling. There was no doubt he knew Steve was there before he even opened his eyes. His senses were so keen.

Steve tried to say his name, but his voice was weak and crackling, “Buck.”

Bucky didn’t respond. He just kept staring straight forward. Steve knew that when he didn’t want to talk, there was no forcing him. So he waited… for two days.

After Bucky was deemed stable enough, he was prepared by the nurses to be transferred to inpatient care.

Steve was not allowed to follow Bucky to his new room, but was informed that visiting hours were three times a week: Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. It was Sunday morning, so Steve would have to wait a very painful two more days to even get a chance to speak with his friend.

 _Oh well_ , he thought to himself, _at least he’ll have a chance to get settled in._

When Bucky had been found, he was living in a small apartment with nothing but a sleeping bag and a toothbrush. Steve tried to reach out to his friend, but it was very difficult for him to communicate. It was clear that Bucky did remember Steve, but he seemed to want nothing to do with him. After hundreds of questions, Bucky wouldn't reply whatsoever.

Bucky didn’t seem to want anything to do with, well… anything. He always stayed in his little apartment unless he had to restock on food. And every time Steve came again, the door was either locked, or Bucky would be waiting inside with a knife in his hand. It was as if he were afraid someone else was after him. However, he never attempted to attack Steve, but he never attempted to engage in conversation either. He always just asked to be left alone.

Sure, Steve was worried, but he didn’t think it would go this far. Steve could see the torment in the former Winter Soldiers’ eyes when he did find him at home, but he had no idea what Bucky must have been put through when he was left alone with his thoughts.

After the longest two days ever, Tuesday finally arrived. Steve left his apartment and headed for the hospital.


	2. I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

Steve entered the common room of the inpatient ward. It was fairly plain and boring. A few metal tables and chairs were scattered about, along with a few god-awful green couches. There was a TV but no volume.

No sign of Bucky.

“Excuse me,” Steve asked an orderly, “do you know where I can find James Barnes?”

The orderly led him to a room just down a short hallway. She knocked on the door gently before opening it. “James? There’s someone here to see you, is it ok if he comes in?”

After no response the woman looked at Steve and whispered, “he hasn’t said two words since he’s been here. I guess you should try talking to him.” And with that she left Steve to enter at his own risk. He slowly pushed the door open a little further. The room was darkened, and the blinds were closed. He could see two beds, but the one was tidily made suggesting Bucky had a room all to himself.

On the other bed Bucky lay on his back with his legs crossed and his hands behind his head, still staring straight at the ceiling with glossy eyes and refusing to acknowledge Steve.

“Buck?” Steve asked again, just like he did two days ago.

No reply. But Steve wasn’t going to let his friend off this easily again. He decided it might be best to avoid the heavy stuff for now. “I almost crashed my bike on the way here. A dog ran out in the road, but luckily the dog and I were ok.” Steve felt stupid. What was he doing? How were you supposed to talk to someone who you haven’t talked to in 70 some years?

“I guess you never did like bikes, huh? You were always telling me how dangerous they were when we were young,” Steve chuckled, but he knew it sounded fake and awkward, “So, uh. They treating you well? I heard the food tastes like cardboard, is that true?”

Bucky might as well have been a wax figurine, and Steve was starting to feel frustrated. He was more so frustrated with himself rather than Bucky. He wished he could think of something better to talk about. He wished they had something in common.

* * *

 

Later that night Steve sat alone in his little apartment. There was minimal furniture, but it was more homey than Bucky’s place. Steve had little picture frames with black-and-white photos set up on his desk. One of his mother, one of Peggy, one of him and Bucky. There was one picture that was more recent and in full color. It was of him, Nat, and Sam at a bowling alley.

Steve missed his friends, he hadn’t seen them in about a month. He decided to call up Sam.

“Steve, my mysterious man, what’s up?” Sam answered cheerfully.

“Hey Sam,” Steve began, “I was wondering if you wanted to maybe go on a run later tonight. If you’re not busy, it’d be good to clear my head, and the company of a friend would be nice.”

“Yeah! Yeah of course, man. Tonight’s the first night in a while that I haven’t had any mission reports to write, and it’s always good to see you. I’ll swing by at 6:30, that ok?”

“Yeah, Sam, thanks. See you soon.”

As nice as it was for Sam to agree to go running, it was strange. Sam never agreed. Steve began to think that he felt outdone because he couldn’t keep up with the Cap. Steve would keep a reasonable pace tonight, though. Running wasn’t the real reason he wanted to see Sam. Everything with Bucky in the last month was information that he had chosen to keep confidential. Steve was afraid that if anyone else found out where he was, they might have gone after him or turned him in.

Steve also felt that in light of recent events, it might keep him sane to talk everything through with someone he really trusts.

* * *

 

Sam came by at 6:30, as promised. His punctuality was one thing Steve always appreciated. They drove to a nearby park where Steve guessed Sam ran on his own a lot.

When they started running, Sam was the first to pipe up, “Why so human today, Steve?” He was referring to the normal jogging pace.

“I just wanted to catch up with my old friend.”  
“I’ve only been away for a month, Steve, I don’t really think I would classify as an ‘old’ friend just yet,” Sam chuckled.

Steve gave a distracted smile.

“Ok really though, I could tell when you called that something’s on your mind.”

Steve considered changing the topic, but he knew he would be upset at himself if he did, “I found him, Sam.”

Sam slowed to a stop. They hadn’t even gotten warm yet, but apparently Sam had gathered that this really wasn’t about running. “Steve, you can’t go near him. We need to assess the situation before you-“

“I found him a month ago.”

Sam clenched his jaw and looked away from Steve, “ok so what did he have to say to you?” Sam knew Steve too well, and he knew that the first thing he would do would be to go talk to Bucky.

Steve shook his head, “Nothing at all. Mostly I gathered that he wanted to be left alone.”

“But you didn’t leave him alone.”

“No.”

“Damn it, Steve. He could have killed you,” Sam snapped.

“He would never hurt me.”

“That’s not what he seemed to think all that time ago on the bridge, and should I even mention the helicarriers?” Sam was getting frustrated.

“That wasn’t Bucky, Sam.” And this seemed to make Sam go silent for a moment.

“Ok, so say he is the precious Bucky you once knew, what makes you so sure he won’t snap back into soldier kill mode at any second?”

Steve knew he had to tell Sam what had happened, he just wished there was some other way. He knew Sam only wanted the best for Steve, and he knew he wanted everything to turn out ok with Bucky. But Steve also understood that it was usually Sam’s job to be his voice of reason.

Steve started slowly, “Bucky is in the hospital now.” Sam looked concerned and confused, so Steve continued, and soon the story of the last month came spilling out of him in its entirety, “After I found him the first time, he wouldn't speak to me, but he implied that I leave. I wanted so badly to get to him. I kept going back. He was scared Sam; he was scared that one day it wasn’t going to be me that walked through his door. He never tried to hurt me, and he never tried to find a different hiding spot, he just kept refusing to acknowledge me. I think that deep down he wanted me to keep coming back, Sam. I could see the loneliness had taken a toll on him. He was just so scared.”

“It makes sense,” Sam said when Steve had paused for a second, “but how did he get to the hospital?”

“He tried to end his own life,” Steve paused to breathe because his voice started to shake. “I walked in on it, thank god, but I just wish I had gotten there sooner.”

Silence. Sam drew in a deep breath as he stared at something past Steve.

Sam opened his mouth and then closed it again, so Steve tried to keep talking, “he’s in an inpatient program now. I went to visit him today but he still won’t say a word to me. I don’t know what to do. The nurses told me he will just need some time, but I know him, and I know that he wants me there.”

Sam couldn’t deny that Steve might be right, but again, he had to be the voice of reason, “Steve, Bucky has gone through a lot. More than all of us combined, probably.” By us, Steve was guessing he meant the Avengers. “Maybe he really does need some time. I’m sure that in a program like that, he will get better after a while. And for now, it may just be best to wait it out.”

Steve looked defeated, so Sam added, “However, he might enjoy having a friend along the way.”

These last words made Steve feel happier than he’d felt in days. Even if Bucky wouldn’t talk to him, he’s been alone for months, years actually. Maybe he would enjoy someone to listen to once in a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to leave comments and kudos if you'd like! Updates daily!


	3. A Boy And His Book

It was Thursday. In all honesty Steve didn’t expect to walk in on a scene like this. There wasn’t a fight or anything like that, but Bucky was in the common room… _reading_. So he actually did enjoy doing things. Well, Steve thought he didn’t particularly look like he was enjoying himself, but he was reading nonetheless.

“The Life of Pi,” Steve read aloud. There was no response, but he didn’t really expect one. “I heard the ending is really intense, but most say it’s a good book.”

“May I sit?” Steve motioned to the empty couch space next to Bucky. And with no answer, he sat. “I talked to Sam, I’m not sure you would remember him, but he’s been a more recent friend of mine.” Steve thought it best to not bring up the specifics of what they talked about. “He’s doing well. We went on a run for the first time in months. He doesn’t really like running with me, I think it’s because he can’t keep up, but it was fun.” Bucky turned the page.

Steve started to feel the familiar sensation of defeat from last time. How could he go on like this? There was so little to talk about with Bucky, or… to Bucky.

“I also have another friend. Her name is Natasha. I haven’t talked to her for a while either, but I was thinking I could invite her over soon. She’s crazy about rabbits. She’s always wanted one but has never owned one. And hey, her birthday is coming up. I could get her one. She has an actual house so she would have the space for a little rabbit set-up. I’ve always wanted a pet too, but I only have a little one-room apartment so I wouldn’t have the space.” Steve couldn’t tell, but he felt like his rambling might be boring or annoying. He took a deep breath and tapped his feet as he looked around the room for something to do.

“Wow it’s really stuffy in here, don’t you think? We could take a walk outside.” Bucky just flipped another page and his eyes continued following the text. Steve knew he probably wasn’t even listening, so he pulled out his cell phone. He had a few pictures, mostly of him and Sam or Nat.

“Hey, want to see some pictures?” he put his phone out above the book for Bucky to see, but Bucky didn’t even acknowledge it. “Maybe another day, then,” Steve said with a disheartened smile.

* * *

 

Steve walked back outside and headed to his bike. He called Natasha, and after the fifth ring it went to voicemail. “Hey Nat, it’s Steve. I was thinking maybe we could hang out sometime soon. I haven’t seen you in a while, and it’d be nice to not be cooped up in my own apartment. Just call me back when you get this.”

Almost as soon as he hung up his phone started buzzing. “Mutasha” flashed across the screen. She put her name into Steve’s phone as that to be funny. He picked up, “Hello?”

“Steve!” Natasha said, sounding a little out of breath, “I’m sorry, I barely missed your call!”

“It’s fine, I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out later, I haven’t seen you around.” Steve said.

“Yeah of course! I’ll be home in an hour or so. You can come over anytime you feel. I’ll prepare dinner for two!” She said excitedly.

Natasha was always so bubbly these days. Ever since she’s been on her extended vacation, she’s been under a lot less stress.

Steve showed up at her house a little before four o’clock, and Natasha answered wearing baggy grey sweatpants, a white shirt and her secretly favorite bunny hat that she only wore when no one was around. Steve had found out about it long ago though, so she wasn’t embarrassed around him anymore.

“You’re such a badass in the field. What happens when you get home?” Steve joked with her. She just playfully smacked him on the head and smiled.

Natasha didn’t end up making dinner, so they just ordered Chinese and talked late into the night. After a lot of laughter and casual conversation. Steve remembered about Bucky and started to feel a little distracted. Nat noticed almost immediately, and Steve was less hesitant to spill the beans than he was with Sam. He told her everything he had told Sam, but added in the uneventful visit that morning.

“Well,” Natasha said, looking a little stunned, “I agree with you, he probably does need a friend even if he doesn’t admit it. Just don’t push him too much, and everything should be fine. This has to all be really hard on him.”

The fact that both of his friends agreed with him about the Bucky issue took a load off of his shoulders. As he went to head back home, he stopped and turned to Natasha, “By the way, you better not make any plans for your birthday.”

She smiled and rolled her eyes, and Steve closed the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meet Natasha, the bunny enthusiast. Comments and kudos are appreciated!


	4. Not An Ideal Conversation

If it wasn’t for the conversation he had with Nat on Thursday, he might not have come to visit Bucky today. He sure as hell wasn’t panning on stopping completely, but he felt so annoying coming every two days. Then again, how would Steve feel if no one ever wanted to see him. Nat reminded him that it might be just what Bucky needs.

The conversation today wasn’t going much differently than usual. Steve rambled on about what color bunny Nat would like best for her birthday. He had two more weeks to find a nice one. Steve asked if Bucky had finished his book yet, but he just got the same glossy stare.

He remembered back to the first day he came to see his friend. The nurse told him Bucky hadn’t spoken, and he wondered if that was still true. He hadn’t said a word to Steve since the helicarrier incident when he was still brainwashed. He knew Bucky must have had a reason for never speaking, and it was probably tied to some form of PTSD. He only knew vague details about what Bucky had been through in the last few decades, but he already knew it was far more than the average man could handle. Bucky had been brainwashed by Hydra, forced to kill people he didn’t want to kill, and probably tortured. On top of that there were probably dozens more unthinkable horrors that this man had to endure. Steve understood that Bucky’s recovery could take anywhere from a month to a lifetime, and he decided from the start that would by Bucky’s side the whole way. He just wished he could find some way to communicate with his friend.

Steve wondered if he should try a different strategy by asking Bucky about more important and relevant things. He wasn’t sure how to go about it. _Just be casual. You’re his friend. Try not to make him uncomfortable by showing pity._

“So you have to attend therapy here, right? How’s that going?” Steve asked in a tone that suggested he was still talking about something as lighthearted as bunnies.

Bucky didn’t respond, but something changed in his eyes. There was more awareness, and Steve didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing, but he had finally gotten the faintest response, and he couldn’t stop there.

“I would imagine this place could get pretty boring, but is it easier to be here than in that apartment of yours?”

With no warning at all, Bucky stood up and left for his room. Steve felt a bit frightened that he maybe hurt his friend, but he was also somewhat relieved that Bucky could still understand him, at least.

Steve had wanted so badly to follow Bucky, but the Nurses who witnessed the moment asked him to just give Bucky some time and come back on Tuesday.

* * *

 

Steve considered heading to the pet store to browse the bunnies, but he felt to sick to his stomach and unable to concentrate, so he just headed home.

When he plopped down on his bed, he spent a few minutes letting his thoughts consume him before he finally came to again. He turned his head towards the little stand next to his bed. There were only two things on it: a sad grey lamp and a book. _The Life of Pie_. It was brand new. He picked it up at a bookstore yesterday. He wasn’t able to find out if Bucky had finished the book, or if he had even maintained interest, but Steve felt inclined to be a part of anything that Bucky was. Maybe it wouldn’t reveal what was in Bucky’s head, but it would give them something in common.

With his lack of focus, he was still surprisingly able to get through a good chunk of the novel before he realized it was well past dinnertime.

As Steve ate, he wondered why Bucky would want to read this book of all books. The story seemed to very closely parallel how Bucky must have been feeling over the last few years. Alone, never being able to feel safe, just trying to survive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized that my formatting got messed up on the last few chapters so I had to go back and fix it all. My apologies! 
> 
> Please leave comments and kudos!


	5. A Bad Day With A Good End

Steve finished the book by Monday, and he couldn’t wait to talk about it to Bucky. Hopefully Bucky had either finished it or lost interest, because he didn’t want to unintentionally spoil the ending. He figured Bucky would have, seeing as he used to read books a lot when they were younger, and there’s not much at the facility now to distract him from finishing it quickly.

Tuesday morning passed very slowly, but eventually visitor hours rolled around. When Steve entered the common room, he didn’t see Bucky, so he concluded he must be in his room. However, Bucky wasn’t there either. Beginning to worry, Steve asked one of the orderlies.

“He’s been waiting outside all morning. We tried getting him to come in for lunch, but he wouldn’t let anyone near him. Please be careful around him today, sir,” said the man.

Steve hurried out to the courtyard reserved for inpatients only. Compared to the drab common area, the courtyard was especially beautiful. There were several tall purple trees and lush grass and benches everywhere. There was even a little birdbath right in the center.

Steve spotted Bucky almost immediately. He was sitting on a bench watching the sparrows play in the birdbath. Aside from reading, this is the first time Bucky has shown interest in anything. Steve took a moment to just observe him. His face was not wound into its usual angry frown. However, Bucky didn’t look particularly happy either. He simply looked… relaxed. Steve drew nearer very slowly. Even though Bucky had probably noticed Steve the second he stepped outside, he stayed completely fixated on the birds. As Steve got closer, he realized that Bucky looked noticeably better. The purple under his eyes was fading, his hair looked cleaner, and his eyes looked less tired and sad.

Until Steve ruined everything.

“Bucky?” Steve said quietly. This completely threw off the vibe of the moment. Bucky’s eyes shifted back to the ground, and the glimmer that filled them just a moment ago disappeared completely. He clenched his hands together and began quickly rubbing one thumb over the other, and his posture became more rigid.

“Uhm…” Steve’s heart sank. He had no idea Bucky would react so poorly, “Is this your first time outside? One of the nurses told me you refused to go back inside.”

Bucky closed his eyes, and it looked, from the several feet away where Steve stood, as if he was trying and failing to control his breathing.

Steve didn’t know what to do, but the words kept coming out of his mouth, “I read Life of Pi over the weekend. The ending… wow. Did you finish it yet, Bucky?”

Bucky started to scrunch up his eyebrows and his shoulders became tighter. His heavy breathing was more audible now. Steve stepped forward towards him, fearing that he might lash out, but wanting to comfort him. When there was no reaction, he advanced more until he was kneeling right in front of Bucky. The poor man was shaking like crazy now, and before Steve had a chance to place his hand on his friend’s shoulder, Bucky raised his hand in front of him and pushed it outward as if to say “go away”.

Steve had been turned away by Bucky before, but this time hurt so much more. Steve was trying as hard as he could; was he really upsetting his friend that much? The orderly that was supervising the courtyard caught on to Bucky’s state of panic and came over slowly, as not to panic him more. The man turned to Steve and asked him to leave. Steve tried to object, but he realized shortly after that he was the one that caused this, so maybe it was just best to leave.

Steve was saddened because his time with Bucky was cut so short. He didn’t want to leave. He had so much more to talk about today. As he rode his bike through the streets, his thoughts were left to wander freely. _Why was Bucky in the courtyard? No, why was he waiting there, refusing to come inside?_ And then another thought hit him. He had asked Bucky last week if he wanted to walk outside. Had this been Bucky’s way of trying to humor him? Steve didn’t know for certain. Maybe Bucky had just gotten tired of the white walls and horrid green couches, but he couldn’t help but wonder…

* * *

 

Steve really wasn’t in the mood to be out of his apartment right now, but he figured that if he didn’t get the scoop on the available rabbits soon, he might never get to it before Nat’s birthday.

A little bell rang as he entered the pet store. A teenage employee with blue hair welcomed him, and he looked around in awe. There were so many colorful toys and leashes and supplies. Even before he saw the animals, he felt a little lighter. We wandered around the store for a while just to see everything. They didn’t sell cats or dogs directly from the store, but they had an adoption information desk where they coordinated with the local shelter. _Noted,_ Steve thought to himself. There were fish and bunnies and hamsters, and all the toys you could think of. It’s a good thing they didn’t have dogs, because Steve wasn’t sure his self control would be enough today.

“I’m looking into adopting a rabbit, though I wouldn’t be able to take it home until next Friday,” he told the girl with the name badge reading “Laura”.

She smiled and asked him about his life. He didn’t tell her the rabbit would be a birthday gift, because he felt that would come off as irresponsible. He told her several other facts (not all of them were entirely true) about his apartment and friends and passion for small fluffy animals.

She asked if he wanted to pet the rabbits. Steve had never been entirely comfortable with anything other than dogs, but he had to play this off for Nat’s sake, so he put a big smile on his face and said yes.

It turns out it wasn’t at all exhausting to pretend to love the rabbits; in fact, there wasn’t much pretending involved. Who would have imagined they were so soft? And their _ears_. Steve’s heart was melting. By the end, he decided on adopting a spotted black and white one, and he was cleared for pick up next Friday morning.

* * *

 

By the time he got back home, Steve felt finally understood at least a little more about Nat’s bunny obsession. His friend would be so excited. And that brought Steve to another question. Nat’s birthday party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the sadness! But more bunny fluff (literally) to come.
> 
> Do it for the KUDOS (and comments!)
> 
> Thanks for all of you that are still with me this far!
> 
> Updates daily


	6. The Superbowl (Of Punch)

This party had to be the best one yet. Steve had to somehow make up for last year’s bowling alley disaster. Worst idea ever. Who knew so many evil kids liked bowling too? 

Maybe a night in would be the best option? Nat wasn’t a fan of drinking, which Steve admired. It may be cliché, but she had never had a surprise party before, so that was that. Steve took it upon himself to call the others: Tony, Clint, Sam, Phil, Wanda and Pietro, and Banner. Thankfully Bruce hadn’t disappeared again yet, but Thor was another story. There weren’t cell phones in Asgard.  

This would have to do.

They all agreed to come, some had to arrange flights or long car rides to make it, but they all came through, just as Natasha always has for them.

Steve had been holding his composure while on the phone, but the second he heard the last _click_ of Tony hanging up, he jumped off of his bed and opened his laptop.

 _Virgin punch recipes,_ he typed into the google search bar. Wow. There were SO many recipes. Which one would be the best? There was only one way to find out… Try them all! 

After making a very, _very_ long list of supplies, he grabbed his jacket and was on his way to the store. It was only two blocks down, so he preferred to walk. The benefits of living in a tiny apartment in the city. He spent a while shopping around, and also at one point got distracted by cakes. The cake would have to wait, though. He was on a mission. On the way back, he found it rather difficult to carry all the bags at once. _Even supersoldiers get overwhelmed sometimes_ , he thought to himself.

He felt incredibly relieved when he got back to his room, and he started unloading all the fruit punch and other ingredients into the fridge.

The day was passing by too quickly, and he hadn’t even realized, but he didn’t lend a single thought to the Bucky incident since he woke up.

Steve spend the rest of the day making one-serving sized samples of each of the punches. Tonight was going to be a battle royal of recipes, and the single victor would fill the three-gallon bowl at Natasha’s party.

He felt like such a dork, but he loved planning parties just like Nat loved bunnies. _Oh the bunny,_ Steve was reminded of the cute little fluffball he adopted yesterday. He wondered what Natasha would name her. Oreo? No, too cliché for Nat. Maybe she would name it after someone she knows? _Steve,_ he thought, _that would be a perfect name for a… girl… bunny. Never mind._ Steve continued his brainstorming until his phone buzzed from across the room. It was Sam. 

“Hey man, remember how I told you earlier that I got called in for work today?” Sam asked. He went on a lot of missions lately, just small things, but time-consuming nonetheless.

“Yeah,” Steve answered while spilling a bit of punch, “damnit”

“What did you just say?”

“Nothing!” Steve retorted quickly. He tried not to curse in front of others out of courtesy.

“Ok,” Sam said, chuckling, “well the mission was cancelled last minute, so I’m not really doing much tonight. Mind if I stop by for a bit?”

Steve was pleasantly surprised by his friend’s offer, and when he hung up the phone he realized how insane he would seem with 20 different cups of punch in his kitchen.

He looked around and shrugged. _I guess we have a second punch judge._

Sam showed up less than twenty minutes later.

“Steve… What the hell are you doing…” Sam questioned when he came through the door.

“Actually, I already did it. I made twenty-three samples of punch to find the best one for Natasha’s party!”

“Uhhh-“ Sam was lost for words before Steve cut in again.

“It’s perfect that you came tonight. Now I’ll have more than one opinion.”

“We are going to get absolutely wasted if we drink all of these…” Sam said with uncertainty.

“No no. No alcohol. You now Natasha doesn’t like that stuff.” Sam nodded when he remembered, looking very relieved.

“Well we need some food if we’re gonna drink all this. Pizza is on me.” Sam said.

* * *

 

Time passed so quickly yesterday that Steve had no time to dwell on Bucky, and it was a really good day. Now it was time to go back and face his friend. He had to understand if Bucky really wanted him there or not. He couldn’t go on not knowing.

He rode the same route as usual to the hospital, and when he entered the common area, he found Bucky sitting on the couch. He was slowly running his fingers over the cover of _The Life of Pi_.

Steve was ridden with emotion at this sight. Last week, Bucky was waiting outside as Steve had requested. This time he waited with the book Steve so eagerly wanted to discuss. Maybe his friend did want to see him after all.

“Can I sit?” Steve asked, and again after no answer, he sat next to Bucky.

Without any warning or eye contact, Bucky held out the book in front of Steve. Steve flinched a bit. He didn’t expect this, and at first he quite thought Bucky was going to hit him. But this was the first gesture of real interaction, and Steve felt very, very happy.

“Did you finish it? Do you want to talk about it?” Steve asked excitedly.

Bucky continued holding out the book, but he still stared at the floor, his long hair shielding his face from Steve.

“I take that as a yes, so if you’re not done, consider this a formal spoiler warning.”

Steve jumped right in to the story and everything that interested him. He analyzed the ending, the meaning of Richard Parker not looking back, and the carnivorous island. He did all of this while Bucky didn’t move an inch. But this time, Steve was sure he was listening. Bucky’s body looked fairly relaxed (aside from the metal arm that always looked rigid and battle-ready). 

Steve trailed off about the book as he became lost in thought about his friend. There was a moment of silence, and Bucky shifted uncomfortably. Steve interpreted this as impatience because he wanted him to keep talking. 

So he did. He talked about the book, and the rabbit, and the punch. When he mentioned Sam showing up to twenty-three cups of virgin punch, Bucky gave a short snort through his nose. It was quiet, but Steve heard it, and it made him feel like his presence here finally mattered.

“Well, pal, I should probably head out. Visiting hours are over in two minutes.” Steve said. He was hoping for some reaction. Some eye contact, or even a nod of the head. But Bucky just stayed where he was, staring at the floor with his hair covering his face.

As Steve stood to go, he saw a tear fall and splash onto the ground. He became worried that he had hurt Bucky again, but when he shifted to the side he caught a glimpse through all the hair.

Bucky was smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought you all deserved some happy Bucky.
> 
> Comment on your thoughts! 
> 
> Updates daily!


	7. Good Vibes

Steve left the hospital happier than he had been in months. _Ironic_ , he thought, _I’m not even the one getting treatment._ If he felt this happy, he wondered how happy Bucky must feel after today. After years of torture, brainwashing, and loneliness, having one person that cares about you must feel so fantastic. Of course Steve knew it will take a lot more than one good day to help Bucky recover. 

* * *

 

For Steve’s next visit he brought Bucky a surprise.

“The Hobbit is a classic. You’d love it!” Steve said, holding out the brand new paperback copy to Bucky. When he made no attempt to grab it, Steve set it on the bench next to him. “I’ll just leave it here for later!”

The branches of the trees were swaying today due to a light breeze. Bucky was wearing a large dark grey sweatshirt That Steve had never seen before. Bucky didn’t have the largest selection of clothes since they were all lent to him by the hospital. They were all clothes that had been donated. This made Steve realize that Bucky’s clothes were still probably in that tiny apartment somewhere. What kind of friend was he?

“Bucky, I’m so sorry! I forgot I should bring you your clothes from home. That way you can have your own. Would you want that?”

Bucky didn’t say anything but there was a sudden presence of fear in his eyes, and Steve didn’t think he liked the idea. Maybe he just doesn’t want any more memories of the time before the hospital. It was understandable, and now Steve felt stupid for bringing it up.

“Well if you ever need me to bring you anything, just let me know.”

Steve did his best to shift the topic, as he really didn’t want to have their time cut short again. Sure, he was never able to hear from Bucky, but Steve enjoyed their time together almost more than his time with Nat or Sam. At this point, Steve was used to doing all the talking, and he didn’t mind one bit.

Steve leaned back on the bench, and looked up at the sky, “I’ve never had a closer friend than you, Buck. When we were kids, you were like the older brother I always wanted. I’ve missed you so much,” Steve started to choke on his own words, “It’s just good to be here with you again.”

He had so much more he wanted to say, but he didn’t think he could do it without crying, and he didn’t want to upset Bucky, so he refrained. Steve felt something cold on his shoulder, and when he looked up, he saw Bucky’s metal arm resting there as if to say _me too_.

* * *

 

“That is so great, Steve!” Natasha practically yelled, “he’s opening up to you again. You’re helping him so much.”

“Well I’m sure I’m not the only reason he’s doing better. I mean he’s probably seeing a therapist, and that therapist probably had him on an ungodly amount of medication. I just don’t want to get too excited about taking all the credit.”

“Speaking of taking all the credit,” Nat changed the subject before Steve had a chance to overthink it, “You better have something planned for my birthday since you decided to be the party planner for the thirtieth year straight,” she teased.

“Yes, your highness, you deserve only the best,” Steve said in an exaggerated tone.

“You mean like a bowling alley full of angry kindergarteners?” Natasha burst into laughter, and Steve along with her. He had admitted to himself that it was a pretty nightmarish experience. 

After the laughter subsided, there was a moment of silence before Natasha said softly, “you know he really will be ok, Steve.”

“I know.”

Natasha laid her head on Steve’s shoulder and they sat there like that for a while before he headed home.

* * *

 

The next week passed with ease, and it was indeed a very good week. Bucky was doing well, everyone made it safely to town by Friday morning, and Steve got the bunny and the necessary supplies home and prepared to take over to Nat’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for a hella rad birthday party with the best punch in town!
> 
> Comment and leave kudos, and I'll love you forever!


	8. Where Are The Damn Balloons?!

Steve had a group chat with everyone except Natasha, and they all agreed to meet at her house at 6. Phil had a friend of his call her in to her office today to “resolve a mishap in the system” One of the system programmers created an issue with a file that they needed her approval to “investigate”. She called Steve and explained to him the situation. He told her not to worry, his plans for her birthday could be moved to Saturday. When she left her house, it gave the group a chance to basically break in. They were a group of superheroes, after all, they could manage.

Natasha didn’t get back home until around 7:15, and when she walked in the door to everyone jumping out and yelling “SURPRISE!”, she almost had heart failure.

“You set that ‘problem’ at work up, didn’t you?” she demanded, storming towards Steve.

“Um, actually, that was Phil Coulson,” Tony interjected, one arm around Pepper and the other pointing at Phil, “and by the way, where is the rum?”

Natasha gave Tony a glare. He knew the rules of her household.

“Tasha,” said Clint, “I feel like I just saw you last week!”

“You did see me last week,” Natasha said. She was trying to act bitter and angry at everyone for scaring her, but she wasn’t able to hold back the smile.

She went around giving everyone hugs, and finally, when she got to Sam, he burst out, “The psychotic blond in the back made me sample twenty-three different kinds of punch, Natasha. TWENTY-THREE!”

“Oh yeah! I forgot to tell everyone I made punch!” Steve shouted over all the noise.

Nat put on music, and everyone talked and laughed. Most of them hadn’t seen each other in a while so it was especially fun to do all the catching up.

Wanda and Pietro were a bit shy at first, but they had each other to bounce off of, so they got to talking with ease and soon felt like a part of the group just as much as everyone else. Pepper kept an eye on Tony, giving him a friendly but strict glare every time he said something bold. No one else minded. They were all pretty used to Tony’s lack of filter. Steve pulled him aside for a while to ask him how he was coping after New York. Tony didn’t exactly feel like sharing all the details, especially with the Cap, but Steve made him feel like he didn’t have to act perfectly fine.

“I’m dealing,” Tony said, and Steve thought he was going to stop there, but he didn’t. “It does get hard sometimes. I mean falling thousands of feet from a wormhole after fighting aliens and almost being blown up is enough to cause anyone some trauma.” 

“Well, pal, if you need anything, you have my number,” Steve smiled kindly.

“This party would be much better with some damn booze,” Tony added before going back to mingle.

Banner was sitting on the couch talking to Wanda when Steve came back out from the kitchen. Everyone looked so happy. Steve’s family had been dead for decades, but seeing everyone this way made him remember he had a new family. He just wished it was the same for Bucky.

“One day he’ll be standing here with us.” Natasha seemed to have read Steve’s mind. She was talking quietly so that the others wouldn’t hear. “Stop daydreaming,” she added jokingly, “it’s my birthday, come show these kids your moves.”

Just then, there was a loud boom and a bright light from the windows. It took everyone by surprise, and there was a moment where everything went quiet except the music.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATASHA ROMANOV!” There was a shout from the lawn that was unmistakable.

“Thor?” Nat ran to the door and threw it open. Thor picked her up in a hug so tight she could barely breathe.

“Thor!” Steve called, “how did you know about this?”

“I guess I got lucky that there’s a party going on, but I wasn’t going to forget Romanov’s birthday!” Thor chuckled, and everyone piped up again, talking and laughing and occasionally singing and dancing.

No one knew about the bunny, Steve had special plans for that. The party went long into the night. Around 1am, everyone started dancing and taking pictures like it was senior prom again. When a slower song came on, Clint asked Natasha for a birthday dance, and everyone wooed as they slow-danced around the room looking very professional. 

It wasn’t until 3 that everyone started heading out. Clint lived a town over in a small apartment similar to Steve’s, but Nat insisted he stay the night because he looked too tired to drive.

Steve led Nat upstairs into a loft area for her last surprise. Clint came along with an arm around Nat’s shoulders.

“Now,” he said to Nat, “I didn’t want to expose your bunny obsession to everyone who still takes you seriously, but here.” He pulled up the blanket that had been covering a big cage.

Natasha gasped and ran to the cage, immediately opening it and pulling the bunny out. She was in tears; she was so happy.

“Now I technically adopted her under my name, but she’s all yours to name and keep,” Steve informed her.

She looked up at Steve, still crying tears of joy, and said, “her name is Luna.” Clint was smiling at how giddy she had become. 

After carefully putting Luna back in her cage, Nat hugged Steve. 

“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, Steve.”

“Thanks Nat, you’re pretty alright too.” She gave him a glare for that one.

“Now get going,” she told him, “you have to get plenty of sleep before your date tomorrow.” 

Steve rolled his eyes at her and grabbed his jacket.

“Have fun you two!” he yelled back before closing the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luna the bunny. 
> 
> Comments and kudos would be lovely!


	9. Recovery Isn't A Straight Path

Steve woke up very tired after the late night, but he knew he couldn’t miss Bucky today. As soon as he got to the hospital, one of the orderlies recognized him.

“He’s in his room.” The woman said to Steve. He thanked her and headed straight there.

“Hey, pal,” Steve greeted him. He had stopped waiting for responses as he knew they never really came.

Steve sat down beside him, and without hesitation, Bucky held something out to him. It was his copy of _The Hobbit._

“Oh, thanks!” Steve said, taking it back, “did you enjoy it?”

No response. Something about Bucky seemed off. He seemed nervous.

“Everything ok, Buck?”

Bucky pointed to the book, still looking away.

Steve opened it briefly to a random page, but something caught his eye. When he took a second look and flipped through more pages, he noticed that Bucky had written all over most of them. Well, he just circled and underlined and drew arrows. There were no words. These marks continued all the way up until the last sentence.

“So you did like it, I guess.” Steve said, sounding astonished. Bucky’s shoulders relaxed, and he didn’t look nervous anymore.

“Oh! I almost forgot! Nat’s party was last night! It was so much fun, and she loved her bunny. Named it Luna! I took a lot of pictures. You still haven’t gotten a chance to see any of my pictures, would you like to look at some now?” Steve asked excitedly.

Bucky turned his head in Steve’s direction, still not making eye contact. It was good enough for Steve, though. He pulled out his phone and searched until he found one to show him. It was from last night, and in it, he stood with Natasha on his right and Sam on his left. Clint made a joke at Sam just before snapping the shot, so he caught them all mid-laugh. The picture was the happiest one he’d ever been in with his two closest friends.

When he held the phone up for Bucky to see, his eyes went directly to the screen. Bucky sat very still for a moment just looking, but then he began to shake.

“Buck?” Steve asked, pulling the phone away.

Bucky buried his face in his hands and the sound of his breathing became louder and louder. Steve started to panic too, what had he done? Why was Bucky upset?

It hit Steve all too quickly. He felt like an idiot. Bucky probably recognized them from the bridge fight. He probably remembered trying to kill them and not being able to stop himself.

 _Damnit Steve. Damnit all to hell._ How did he not think of this before? He was too excited for Bucky to learn about his friends that he completely disregarded the situation. He had to snap himself out of it. He had to be here for Bucky right now.

“Buck, Bucky I’m so sorry,” he rambled as Bucky began to cry, “I didn’t realize you probably remembered them. You do, right?” Bucky shook harder, he wasn’t helping. What could he do? “I tell them about you. I tell them about my visits. They love you, Buck. They don’t blame you for what happened. They know it wasn’t you, and they’re rooting for your recovery!”

Bucky just sat there, crying and shaking, and two nurses who heard the commotion came to the door.

“Wait, please!” Steve told them, and then he turned back to his friend, “Bucky, that wasn’t you. It wasn’t your fault, all of them know that. You didn’t kill them, Buck. They’re ok, and they’re just glad you’re ok.” One of the nurses had summoned a man who Steve guessed was his therapist. The man was tall and intimidating, and Steve feared that he was going to blame Steve for this.

“You,” the man pointed at Steve, “please leave.” Steve wasn’t planning on leaving his friend, but he couldn’t stand his ground knowing this was his fault.

The man spoke again, more sternly this time, “you need to go.”

But before he could advance towards Steve to escort him out, Bucky held out his hand to the man, as if to say _stop._ Immediately the man did so and took a step back. “James, do you want this man to stay?”

Bucky looked up at the man, tears covering his cheeks, and nodded his head.

“Ok,” he said, “what’s your name, son?”

“Steve, sir.”

The man gave Steve the signal to carry on with Bucky.

“Bucky, breathe. C’mon, pal, with me. In. Out. In. Out. That’s it. Keep going, everything is ok. You’re ok.”

It took a while to calm Bucky down completely. The nurses finally let them be, and the man observed from just outside the door.

“Visiting hours are over in fifteen,” the man called.

Steve made a decision, he had to make sure of one thing before he left.

“Bucky,” he said gently. He went from the bed to his knees and faced Bucky. When he always sat beside him, he would use his hair to shield his face, but now, with Steve looking straight at him, there would be no hiding. “Bucky, look at me, please?”

Bucky raised his head a bit, but his eyes stayed on the ground. Steve dipped his head in an effort to force eye contact. When Bucky figured he wouldn’t give up, he raised his eyes to meet Steve’s. Steve felt something extremely powerful come over him. In Bucky’s eyes he saw all the pain, all the hatred, and all the regret that he had probably kept bottled up for years. Surprisingly, Steve was the first to glance away, but he knew he had to be stronger than that. He had to ask Bucky one last question before he left. 

He raised his eyes again, “Bucky, are we ok?”

Bucky hesitated, and then his face softened and he nodded.

* * *

As Steve rode home, he decided to take a longer route. He needed the time to think. He had an idea, and it was either brilliant or really truly awful, and he didn’t know which one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really, you guys are in for a treat very soon. 
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me this far <3
> 
> Please leave comments on your thoughts!


	10. Easier Done Than Said

The second he walked through his door, he dialed Natasha’s number.

“’lo,” she said.

“Nat!” the volume of Steve’s voice startled them both.

“Shit, Steve.” She complained in a groggy voice. She must have been sleeping. She had a tendency to nap often.

“Sorry, Nat. Hey listen. I have a really bad idea, but I think it might actually be great and I need to see you right now.”

“Ok… well I’m not leaving my house.” She said, still cranky about being woken up.

“I’ll be there in fifteen." 

Click. 

* * *

 

Steve made it to her house in just under nine minutes, and he practically busted down the door. When he heard her unlock it from the inside, he went straight in and started taking his boots off.

“What the hell, Steve. One party wasn’t enough?”

“Natasha,” he said, completely disregarding her bitterness, “Would you like to meet Bucky?”

“Steve, you’re not making sense. Can I please have some context before you ask me to hang out with the kook who almost killed me?”

Steve stopped dead. “What did you just say?” 

Natasha realized her mistake, and she started to take a step backwards. “Steve, I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry. I’m just so tired and you know how I get…” her apologies and excuses didn’t make Steve feel any better about Bucky’s panic attack earlier.

“Steve…” she started to tear up. 

“It’s ok.” Steve said, which came to a surprise to both of them. Steve knew she was truly sorry. He also knew she would never say something like that if she was in her right mind. The new problem was if that was how Natasha felt about Bucky deep down inside. Had everything Steve said to Bucky earlier been a lie? Does Nat really understand that it wasn’t the ‘real’ Bucky that tried to kill her?

Natasha hesitated as she tried to compose herself. “What was that you were trying to ask?” her voice was very soft and cautious now.

“Can we make some coffee first?” Steve wasn’t so desperate to ask Natasha about his idea now, but he knew he still had to.

Nat put a pot to brew, and Steve got two mugs from the cupboard. This place was like a second home to him. He knew it just as well as his own. After they got their fresh coffee, they sat down on the couch.

Steve started, feeling a little less shaken from Nat’s outburst earlier, “Bucky panicked today. I was showing him a picture of you and Sam and I from last night. He remembered you. He remembered trying to kill you, and I think he felt that my best friends almost died because of him.” Steve could see the guilt about her statement tearing her apart now. She started crying again, but quietly. Steve knew she would be ok, so he continued, “I think that maybe if you come with me sometime and meet Bucky, then he might realize you’re ok. He might even feel less guilty. And now that I know how you feel abou-“

“It’s not like that, Steve, I didn’t mean it.” Natasha interrupted him.

“No listen,” Steve said. His voice wasn’t angry, “It’s true. The brainwashed Winter Soldier tried to kill you. It’s ok to be scared, Nat. But that’s why I think this is an even better idea now. It would help you understand that was not the real Bucky.” It seemed to click for Natasha, and she nodded her head in agreement.

“Only if Bucky agrees to it too,” she added.

“That was my last condition,” Steve confirmed.

* * *

 

Steve was really glad to find Bucky sitting on a bench outside today. He liked it so much better out there than inside. Even though he still wouldn’t make eye contact, Bucky nodded his head upwards at Steve to acknowledge him.

Steve smiled at the unexpected greeting, “Hey pal.”

Steve anticipated there to be some level of tension after the last visit, but surprisingly, Steve felt that Bucky was completely relaxed. Maybe it was the effect of the calming aesthetic surrounding them. When Steve sat next to Bucky, he noticed something different. His hair was tucked behind his ear. This was the first time that Bucky had allowed Steve to see his face, and he wondered if it was coincidence. Then again, Bucky had years of training as an assassin, and although he didn’t live that lifestyle anymore, his reflexes and attention to detail were still extremely heightened. Steve figured that nothing Bucky did was on accident.

“How was your day yesterday?” Steve asked.

Bucky leaned his head to the side a bit and gave a tiny shrug. Was he communicating? Steve was overly impressed with the greeting alone, and now this too?

“Well, I suppose most days around here are the same,” he answered with another smile. In an attempt to keep this going, he continued as any normal conversation would go, “My day was pretty good. I didn’t do much, but I did make myself a nice dinner. I cooked some pasta and had garlic bread with it.”

Bucky looked up with something resembling a smile and pointed at himself.

“Is that what you had yesterday too?” Steve asked, trying his best to interpret.

Bucky nodded a little.

“Wow, what are the chances?” Steve chuckled.  He was still in awe. Bucky must be trying so hard to be able to communicate more. Had his therapist had been the cause of this? Steve anticipated very little improvement in the near future as far as Bucky’s speech, but this surpassed his expectations. He hoped Bucky knew how well he was doing.

Steve wondered if this was the right time to bring up Natasha and his idea. He didn’t want to upset his friend and make him shut down again, but at the same time he wanted to take advantage of the situation while he could get actual consent or refusal. It would probably be best to wait it out until the end of visiting hours, and if he still felt today was the right time, he would ask before leaving.

As the minutes flew by, Steve noticed that Bucky was starting to struggle again. His responses and gestures because smaller and more hesitant. All of his was probably taking a lot of energy and will power. Visiting hours were almost over now, and Steve was still not sure whether to ask Bucky about Nat or not.

To his surprise and horror, the words came spilling out of his mouth before he intended them to, “Would you like to meet Nat?”

Bucky looked petrified. His body became rigid, and he seemed to be holding his breath.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so sudden,” Steve was frantically thinking about how to word it correctly. “What I meant to say is, I think it would be good for me to introduce you and Natasha to each other.”

Bucky looked terrified and Steve wanted more than anything to stop talking and let it go, but he had gotten this far, “Natasha already agreed. She would like to meet you. Neither of us want this until you’re sure that you’re ready, but I thought it might help relieve some of the guilt you carry around. I know you feel like you hurt my friends and therefore me, but we know that wasn’t you, and you need to know that Natasha is not upset with you, and that we both trust you.”

Steve had said way too much, and he was afraid he might have triggered a lot of horrible memories in Bucky’s mind. Surprisingly, after several minutes of silence, Bucky’s shoulders finally relaxed, and he gave a little nod.

“Are you sure you’re ok with this? I need to be absolutely certain.” Steve said sternly.

Bucky made eye contact and nodded.

Steve was astonished, but he tried not to show it. Bucky’s stare was no lesser in intensity than it was the last time.

“Ok.” Steve said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do you guys think Bucky is going to handle meeting Natasha??? 0.o
> 
> I don't think I'm going to post the next chapter until tomorrow, it's a little heavy...
> 
> Leave your comments below!


	11. Meeting Of Friends

Since Natasha lived further from the hospital than Steve did, she offered to pick him up on the way. It was a gloomy day, and every now and then it would rain and then stop and then keep raining again. The windshield wipers beat back and forth in a constant rhythm.

“Nice day for a reunion,” Natasha said sarcastically.

“Yeah, this rain really brightens the spirits,” Steve replied in an equally sarcastic manner. He was getting the sense that Natasha, despite having agreed to this, still felt a little tense. She had the right to be, it’s not easy to get over a near-death experience. Steve knew it was completely selfish, but deep down he wished she could just set that aside for now.

They didn’t say much more until they arrived. Steve led them down the hallway to the front desk of the psychiatric wing. After signing both Natasha and himself in, they proceeded into the common area.

“He might be outside,” Steve told Natasha after seeing that Bucky wasn’t there.

They checked the courtyard, but due to the rain it was abandoned.

The door to Bucky’s room was cracked, but not far enough to see inside. Steve asked Nat to wait in the hall for a moment and knocked gently on the door before entering. The lights were off, and Bucky was sitting up on his bed with his back against the wall. His knees were drawn up to his chest, and his fingers were tapping nervously on the bed.

There was no greeting like last time. Bucky looked incredibly tense and uneasy. In an attempt to distract him from his thoughts, Steve tried to make small talk, “Hey Buck,” he smiled. Bucky looked up at him with little hesitation. “I hope your day has been good. I dunno if you’re a fan of rain, but I prefer sunny days, myself.”

Bucky looked towards the window, but his fingers hadn’t slowed their tapping.

“Natasha came along today. She’s in the hall. I can ask her to leave if you changed your mind. I know this isn’t easy for you, and I just want you to be comfortable.”

Bucky’s tapping slowed and he shook his head.

“is that an ‘I don’t want to see her’ or an ‘I don’t want her to go’?” Steve asked in a kind voice.

Bucky pointed to the door, and then to himself.

“You want to see her?”

He nodded.

Steve smiled, but before inviting Natasha in, he wanted to reassure Bucky one more time, “if at any point you want her to go, just cross your hands over your chest like this,” Steve demonstrated the action, and Bucky nodded.

Steve went to the door and summoned Natasha. She entered the room slowly, keeping her eyes on Bucky. He avoided eye contact. Steve knew that Bucky might not have as easy of a time communicating with Nat as he recently did with Steve, but she had been briefed beforehand.

“Hey Bucky,” she said. There was caution in her voice, but as she continued on, her voice became calmer and more even. “I’m Natasha, it’s nice to finally meet the friend Steve always talks about.”

Steve noticed Bucky perk up a little at this, and he wondered if it was because her use of the word _friend._

Natasha started to show signs of the familiar discomfort at trying to keep up a conversation by herself, so Steve contributed to help her out.

“Did I tell you that Bucky read the Hobbit?” he asked Nat.

“No!” she got genuinely excited about this topic, “I love The Hobbit!”

Bucky looked up at Steve, to anyone else, he might look expressionless and bored, but Steve could tell he was a little excited about sharing something in common with his new acquaintance.

Natasha and Steve carried on a conversation for some time about the novel, and Bucky looked increasingly comfortable and happy to listen. He never made any gestures like he did when it was only Steve, but he wasn’t at all ignoring the conversation.

“Natasha, tell him about Luna!” Steve said. He too wanted to hear about how her bunny had been doing.

“Luna is an amazing little cutie!” Natasha babbled, “She is the softest thing I’ve ever touched. I took her out into the yard a few times this week, and she just loves it! I feel like a mother, always worrying about her when I’m away.” Natasha kept talking about the bunny until the was practically out of breath. While she talked, Steve paid most of his attention to Bucky. His eyes were carefully watching Natasha, and the corners of his mouth were turned ever-so-slightly upwards into a little smile. Perhaps seeing someone else so happy made him happy too. All of the nerves from earlier had been completely lifted, and both Nat and Bucky looked completely content. Steve felt lighter, himself. All he ever wanted was for Bucky and Nat to like each other, and it seemed, so far, that they did.

* * *

 

When visiting hours were coming to an end, Natasha said her goodbyes and headed to her car to give Steve and Bucky a moment alone.

“See? I told you her bunny obsession was intense,” Steve said, chuckling.

Bucky let out a small giggle too.

“She wasn’t so bad, right?”

Bucky kept his eyes on the floor, but he smiled. Steve walked over and sat on the bed next to him.

“You scared me really bad, a few weeks ago, Buck,” Steve said. He didn’t mean to end the good day with a heavy conversation, but he felt like something needed to be addressed. He tried to hold back the tears coming to his eyes. “I just kept thinking: what would I do if I lost my best friend? I don’t come see you every other day because I feel obligated to, and I don’t do it because I feel like I have to pamper you. I don’t want you thinking that. I come because I love being with you, Bucky, I do. I love being able to talk to you and read books with you and let you meet my friends.”

Bucky let the hair fall slip from behind his ear to shield his face, just like it used to.

“I want to be here alongside you, pal. I want to share your pain when you can’t carry it all on your own. I want you to know that no matter what happens, no matter what anyone says, I’m with you ‘till the end of the line.”

Bucky moved so quickly that Steve didn’t even have time to flinch. Bucky flung his arms around him and buried his head in the crook of Steve’s neck. He wasn’t trying to be quiet anymore, and his loud sobs shook his whole body. Steve was wrapped up so tightly that he could barely pull his arms up to hug his friend back. They sat there like that for minutes, and Steve just rubbed his back and let him cry. He probably hadn’t touched someone like this in over seventy years. What a lonely life.

Now was different, though. Steve was going to make sure he was always there, and made a promise to himself that he would never let Bucky out of his sight again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your comments and kudos!


	12. The Strongest Man Alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say one thing. The comments you guys leave make me incredibly happy. I've cried a few times because of how sweet you all are. I always used to read fanfiction, but I never imagined I would be able to make anyone this happy with a story I wrote. Thank you all so much. You really are the best, and I love you!

Later that night, Steve found it difficult to sleep. There was a lot on his mind, though not all bad. He rehearsed all the conversations he had that day. The talk he had with Natasha on the car ride home was the beginning of his train of thought.

 _I’m sorry, Steve._ He remembered her saying after a brief silence.

 _For what?_ He had still been trying to steady his breath after his emotional conversation with Bucky. He was so used to sharing everything with Natasha, but this was one thing he wanted to keep between the two of them.

_I’m sorry for assuming he would still be the soldier we fought way back on the bridge. I always supported your visits, but in the back of my mind I still had so much prejudice against him. For that I’m sorry. I can see now how much he resents and regrets the past._

_It’s ok, Natasha. I told you, your feelings weren’t invalid. But your feelings were towards the Winter Soldier, not Bucky. You have to remember that._ Steve smiled at her.

Then Steve’s thought shifted to his last words to Bucky earlier. But more so than dwelling on his words, he replayed the feeling of Bucky’s arms wrapped around him. Bucky had grasped him so tight that it was as if he was afraid of letting go. He repeated the promise he silently made to himself.

_I’ll never let him out of my sight again._

_I’ll never let him out of my sight again._

_I’ll never let him out of my sight again._

What if Bucky had the very same thought about Steve? He did hug him as if he never wanted to let go. Maybe he didn’t want to lose Steve again just as much as Steve didn’t want to lose him.

The more Steve thought about the inner turmoil his friend must be facing, the more he wished he could just take it all away. Bucky must have been hurting so much when he was alone in that apartment. He must still be hurting. That level of pain isn’t something that is healed in a few weeks.

The only thing keeping Steve’s emotions in check was that if Bucky had endured this for this long already, he must be incredibly strong. The resilience it must take to survive decades of torture, solitude, and being stripped of free will. No one had probably ever asked Bucky about his opinion or feelings since he was fighting alongside Steve in the forties. Knowing Bucky had endured all of that gave him confidence that his friend would make it through this too.

With all of these thoughts swimming in Steve’s head, he didn’t get a wink of sleep. At some point in the night, he simply sat up and cried. He hadn’t ever cried that hard, at least that he could remember, not even after he watched Bucky fall from the train. The mixed tears of joy and sadness flowed and flowed until his eyes were completely dry, and around that time, hints of light were streaming through his window from the morning sun.

* * *

The next day was extremely uneventful.

Steve was so exhausted that he spent most of the day lying in bed. He just wanted the day to pass more quickly so that he could see Bucky again. Natasha called, but he let it go to voicemail before falling fast asleep for several hours.

* * *

 

Finally, the time came. Steve grabbed his jacket and locked his apartment door behind him. He arrived at the hospital in a shorter amount of time than usual, and he went straight to the psychiatric wing. He almost literally ran into Bucky as he was coming out of a door off the common area that was unfamiliar to Steve.

Upon their near collision, Bucky flinched and brought his metal arm up to shield himself, but when he recognized that it was only Steve, he smiled and let his arm fall back to his side.

“Hey pa-“

Bucky interrupted him and grabbed Steve’s shoulder, giving it a tight squeeze. He was smiling more vibrantly than Steve had seen in a long time.

“That good of a day?” Steve asked smiling back.

Bucky kept one hand on Steve’s shoulder, but quickly turned to open the door that he had just come out of. Steve followed Bucky inside, and to his surprise, he saw the man that he had once presumed to be Bucky’s therapist sitting behind a desk.

“Bucky,” the man said. His voice sounded much more kind and welcoming than it had before. “And… Steve, right?”

“Yes, sir,” Steve answered him.

“My name is Dr. Baumann. I’m Bucky’s therapist. Please sit, I think Bucky has some exciting news that he would like me to share with you.” He looked at Bucky, and Bucky nodded with a smile.

Steve shook the doctor’s hand and sat in the plush chair just across from his desk. Bucky sat in the chair to his left.

Dr. Baumann clasped his hands together and leaned forward to rest them on his desk.

“Bucky has been doing extremely well lately, he’s been making progress faster than we anticipated, given his situation. I don’t see him fit enough to be completely released from inpatient care yet; however, I do believe he would benefit from temporary release here and there,” the Doctor explained. “What we can do is this: every one to two weeks, depending on both Bucky’s wellbeing and the availability of potential caretakers outside of the hospital, we can grant Bucky up to two days at a time to leave the hospital. It would be a nice breath of fresh air, and it would also help the transition down the line into outpatient care.”

“Bucky that’s wonderful!” Steve exclaimed.

“There are, of course, a few conditions that would have to be met. For example, he would have to have a comfortable place to stay and supervision by a caretaker, usually a family member or close friend.”

“I can provide both,” Steve replied with almost zero hesitation.

“Good, we will just need you to schedule the date and time of release and return at least three days in advance, and also we will ask both of you to read and sign a waiver, just to cover the minor details.”

Steve looked at Bucky. He couldn’t seem to be able to hide how proud he was of himself, but Steve could tell he was trying to remain modest.

After a bit of paperwork and scheduling, Steve and Bucky went back to the common room and sat on their old couch to spend what was left of visiting hours together.

“Just think, Bucky! We will have plenty of time to read all the books we want, go outside to somewhere nicer than the courtyard, and also make real homemade dinners!” Steve was talking so fast that he was losing his breath.

Bucky’s eyes had a little glimmer to them that told Steve he was thrilled.

At the end of their time, Steve patted Bucky’s shoulder, “I’ll be here to pick you up on Saturday!”

He exited through the lobby area, but he heard a voice calling his name. When he turned, he saw Dr. Baumann rushing his way.

“Phew, I thought I was going to miss you.” I wanted to tell you one more thing in private. Before you came today, when I was discussing the temporary release with Bucky, I asked him If he wanted to sign a release waiver so that I discuss with you some small details about his condition. He agreed.”

Steve’s curiosity was growing.

“The one thing I wanted to warn you about, not that I think you would hurt him intentionally, he seems to trust you a lot. I just wanted to make sure and ask you to be careful. Bucky suffers from a very severe case of PTSD. A lot of his history is still kept secret, even from me. On top of that, his selective mutism is a more severe result of his trauma. We are still working on it with him, and we are not sure how temporary or permanent it will be. Just make sure you don’t push him too hard to speak. Many friends and family members of our patients often get frustrated with the lack of communication and resort to anger. I need to ask you to leave the treatment to us. Your job as his caretaker over the weekends is simply to keep him comfortable.”

Steve reassured the doctor that he only had Bucky’s best interests in mind, and with that, he was shortly after free to go. Happiness swelled in his chest as he mounted his bike. Bucky was making him so proud.


	13. Freedom

It was only Friday, and Steve didn’t get to bring Bucky home until the next morning. Steve had just finished washing his plate from lunch when there was a knock at his door. He did the usual look-through-the-peephole-to-make-sure-it’s-not-bad-guys before opening it to see Sam standing there in a navy blue t-shirt and jeans.

“Hey Steve, what’s up?” Sam asked with a smile. He walked inside without invitation, but Steve didn’t see this as impolite coming from him. His friend had always been a bold man.

“I just finished lunch, there’s some chicken leftover. You can help yourself if you’re hungry,” Steve replied.

Sam eyed the chicken, and then walked to the cupboard for a plate.

“You have a bad habit of not texting me back,” he said to Steve. “I had to drop by to make sure you weren’t dead.”

“Well I am an old man after all,” Steve joked.

“Yeah you are,” Sam said before taking a bite of food. He made a face suggesting he was pleasantly surprised about Steve’s cooking skills, and then he went to sit on the couch. “All of you are so lucky to be out of work right now. The higher-ups have me running all around rescuing cats from trees and helping old ladies cross the street.”

“Oh I’m sure it’s not that bad.”

“Ok, it’s not _that_ bad, but I feel like I either need a vacation or a proper superhero mission. You know, the throw-a-man-off-a-building kind.”

“I’m not sure throwing a man of a building would classify as a good deed,” Steve replied with an amused look.

“Yeah, yeah,” Sam looked around at Steve’s pitiful apartment. “How’s your friend Frosty?”

Frosty had been Sam’s more recent nickname for Bucky. He claimed it worked on so many levels, and his constant texts about ‘Frosty’ had been the reason Steve never replied. It was all in good fun, though.

“He’s doing well, really well. He gets two days of temporary leave from the hospital, and he’ll be staying here with me over the weekend.”

“In this dump?” Sam got the _you’re not the one to talk_ look from Steve. “I’m just kidding, man. I’m really happy for him. I’m happy for you too. It must be nice to have your friend back after all these years.”

Steve smiled. Sam was a joker, but he really did care about Steve’s well-being, and that meant he cared about Bucky too.

After he finished lunch, he washed the plate and bid Steve goodbye.

* * *

 

Steve needed something else to pass the time, and he got one idea that he didn’t particularly like, but that fueled his curiosity too much to not act on. He wanted to visit Bucky’s old apartment. He didn’t want to snoop, but he needed to understand more about how his friend had coped between his winter soldier and hospital days.

He took his bike. The apartment was quite a long distance away. When he got there, he parked his bike on the east side of the building, but wasn’t sure how to get in. The fire escape to the window, maybe? That would have to do.

He got up to the third floor window with relative ease, and was surprised to find the window unlocked. When he climbed through, he saw the lock on it was broken anyway. It was odd that Bucky would be able to feel comfortable with a window that didn’t lock. Thinking back, Bucky didn’t always keep his door locked either. This was extremely odd behavior for a former assassin. Maybe he was too confident in his fighting abilities, or maybe he almost _wanted_ someone to come for him. Steve tried not to let the thought consume him. He wandered around the little room. There was a mattress on the floor with a sleeping bag atop it. There was no sign of food in the kitchen except for a sole can of beans.

Steve gave a small push on the bathroom door and immediately wished he hadn’t. Dried blood still covered the floor from that night. He felt sick to his stomach, and for a moment his vision blurred, making him feel weak on his feet. Steve had a feeling that Bucky would never return here, with good reason.

He shut the bathroom door, took a deep breath, and continued looking. He tried not to touch anything, but he observed a small pile of clothes stacked neatly atop a chair. There were two pairs of jeans, three dark colored shirts, a few socks, and a hat. A jacket was hung over the back of the chair. Steve moved to the small wardrobe, he opened its door and found only three things inside: a pair of Black leather jeans, a black vest, and a pair of combat boots. His winter soldier uniform. Given the fact that it was covered in a thin layer of dust, Steve guessed it was hidden away in the closet for a reason. The last item in the room was a small black backpack, but Steve didn’t feel a desire to intrude on Bucky’s privacy any more than he already had. Plus, the sad little room was starting to make him claustrophobic.

He left the way he had come: through the window and down the fire exit. Although the visit hadn’t been pleasant in the least, Steve felt a sense of closure, like that was a life Bucky would finally be able to leave behind.

* * *

 

The next morning, Steve headed to the hospital around nine o’clock to pick up Bucky. Since it wouldn’t be possible to take his bike, Natasha agreed to give them a ride to the hospital and back home. He was beyond excited. He met Bucky in Dr. Baumann’s office. The doctor signed the paperwork that stated Bucky was cleared to leave, and they were off. Bucky climbed into the back seat with only a small duffle bag of clothes.

“Hey Bucky,” Natasha greeted him.

He still didn’t feel comfortable communicating with Natasha, but he did his best to give a little nod of the head accompanied by a tiny smile.

“Thanks again for the ride, Nat,” Steve said after closing the passenger door.

“Anytime,” Natasha replied cheerfully.

* * *

 After being dropped off in front of his apartment, he led Bucky inside and up the four flights of stairs to his room.

“It’s a little cramped,” he commented while unlocking the door and proceeding inside. “You can set your bag anywhere you’d like. I’ll sleep on the couch so that you can have the bed.”

Bucky looked at him with uncertainty.

“Really, I insist,” Steve said with a warm smile. “There’s an extra towel in the bathroom for whenever you’d like to shower, and please help yourself to anything in the fridge.”

Bucky just stood in the middle of the room taking everything in. Steve was afraid it would remind him of his old hideout, but he seemed to look extremely content and relaxed, so Steve tried to stop worrying about it.

Bucky stored his bag under the stand by the bed and stroked the comforter in a way that seemed nostalgic.

“Would you like some water?” Steve asked, pulling two glasses from the cupboard.

Bucky nodded and sat down on the edge of the bed, still running his fingers over the fabric.

When he was handed the class, he subtly sniffed it before taking a sip. Steve noticed, but figured it was an old habit rather than a sign of distrust. After he sat on the couch, he noticed Bucky’s attention was focused towards the desk. More specifically the pictures on the desk.

“You can look if you’d like,” Steve said.

Bucky stood and walked over slowly. He bent down slightly to observe the picture with Sam and Natasha. He smiled and then moved his attention to the picture of a beautiful woman. Bucky ran his pointer finger down the side of the frame as he looked. Steve knew he remembered his mother. She was like a second mom to Bucky when they were young. Next he touched the frame containing the photo of Steve and Peggy. Bucky smiled again and drew his hand away slowly.

The last photo was of Steve and Bucky laughing together before one of their old missions. Bucky hesitated, and his smile faded away as he picked up the small frame. He held it tenderly with both hands, and he studied it for over a minute before giving a sad smile and setting the picture back in its place.

Never again would Steve and Bucky have that innocence of youth. They were a pair of old men now, and Bucky especially had seen and undergone more horrors in his lifetime than an average army of men combined. It was sad, but true.

Steve just hoped that they would have a chance to laugh together again the way the photo portrayed, and he hoped that that day would come soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty satisfied with how this is going. I think it's going to be a lot longer of a story than I originally intended!


	14. Ambush

“Would you like to go outside?” Steve asked. “I know a great place we can go. It’s this little park just down the street. I always go there to run or just spend time.”

Bucky considered it for a moment before shaking his head. He looked nervous.

“We don’t have to if it’s not what you want, but can I just ask you why you don’t want to go?”

Bucky pointed to his face.

“You’re afraid someone is going to be looking for you?”

He nodded, keeping his eyes glued to the floor. Steve had forgotten to consider that going into public might not be the most comfortable thing for Bucky. He had spent such a long time in hiding. However, Steve was sure that in a large city like this, the chances of someone recognizing them in the park was slim. 

“I’m sure it won’t be dangerous. You’re safe here, Bucky,” Steve reassured him.

Bucky shook his head with more frustration. He pointed at himself again and shook his head before pointing at Steve. It was only a simple gesture, but Steve seemed to understand.

“You think I’m not safe with you…” Steve said, feeling his heart ache a little.

Bucky just stared at the floor with watery eyes. Steve wanted to comfort him, so he went and sat on the edge of the bed with him, just like they often did in the hospital.

“You’re not going to put me in any more danger than I’m already in, Buck.” Maybe this wasn’t the best thing to say. “What I mean is… I face danger every time I walk outside. We all do. If someone really wanted to find either one of us, this shabby little apartment sure as hell wouldn’t be enough to keep us safe. I’ve been in this city a long time, and no one has come searching. The government doesn’t feel the need to concern themselves with us lately, and everyone else… well, I just don’t feel that threatened by the average man.” Steve said.

Bucky closed his eyes and nodded. Steve stood and walked to his closet. He grabbed a baseball cap and tossed it to Bucky.

“You can keep that,” he said, “if it’ll help you to feel safer.”

Bucky held the hat up and observed it. It was a dark grey hat that read ‘I heart DC’. At least it matched his jacket nicely. He shrugged and put it on.

“Would you like to try going now?” Steve asked.

Bucky looked up and nodded, seeming a little more at ease.

* * *

When they left the apartment, Steve noticed how Bucky was constantly scanning his surroundings. This was probably another habit that had yet to die hard. He looked left to right, up, and less often behind them. He did all of this with as little movement of the head as possible. His walk was stealthy, and his feet made no sound on the ground. Steve couldn’t even hear the slightest ruffle of his clothes. Seventy years of practice made perfect, he guessed.

“It’s a nice day, I’m glad it’s not too hot out.” Steve said.

Bucky hardly seemed to hear him. He was too focused on the world around him to want to have a conversation. Steve reminded himself to stay patient and to not push Bucky too hard. He decided the best thing to do was just to keep talking as normal, and maybe eventually Bucky would relax.

Steve talked about Bruce Banner. He told Bucky about all of his travels around the world (though he didn’t mention most of it was for hiding purposes). He also described the science-y relationship he had with Tony. He mentioned how everyone else always teased them for being science boyfriends, which was actually sort of true. They had a lot closer of a relationship than most would think.

It wasn’t hot outside, but it was a bit too warm for Bucky to be comfortable wearing his sweatshirt. Steve wanted to ask him about it, but he figured that he might be trying to hide his metal arm, seeing as the left sleeve was pulled almost all the way down over his hand. Only the very tips of his metal fingers were still exposed.

When they arrived at the park, Bucky took his focus off of potential threats to look up at the trees. They were all very tall and green. The park stretched over a large plot of land. It was so big that you couldn’t see across to the other end. In the center of the park was a medium-sized pond. A small sidewalk circled the outer edges, and trees and benches speckled the lawn. It was really a peaceful and refreshing environment. Steve had spent a lot of time there over the last year or so. People always brought their dogs, and it was definitely a perk for Steve.

“Would you like to sit?” Steve asked. “Or we can go down to the pond. Sometimes there’re ducks!”

Bucky seemed to be cheering up now, because he smiled at Steve’s excitement over ducks. However, he walked to a nearby bench and sat down. There were a few people walking and running on the sidewalk, but other than that, the park was fairly empty today. Steve figured that was a good thing. Not as stressful for Bucky.

Steve joined him on the bench. They sat for a while, and Steve watched Bucky become totally fixated on the birds in the trees. He was looking straight up into the branches, trying to locate each bird as they sang to each other.

All of the sudden, Bucky nearly jumped out of his seat. He braced himself with his metal arm, guarding his neck and face. Steve wasn’t startled, however, and he just laughed. A golden dog with long, soft fur had run up to the bench where they sat and was now furiously sniffing Bucky’s feet. Bucky sat paralyzed, and it looked as if he were trying to decide whether to attack or retreat. Steve’s laughter seemed to ease him a little.

“Bradley, no!” a woman’s cry came from the distance, and her efforts to call off her dog grew louder as she approached at a high speed. The fact that she was running directly at Bucky made him tense up once again, and Steve knew he had to act.

“Buck, it’s ok, stay clam. She’s not going to hurt you.” Steve talked quickly in a low voice to Bucky. When it appeared that Bucky wasn’t calming down, Steve placed his hand on Bucky’s arm. “Listen to me. It’s ok, she’s only coming to get her dog.”

The woman finally reached them and was frantically trying to pull her dog away. Bucky was still frozen in place, but his eyes were full of fear.

“I am so sorry!” The woman was clearly embarrassed. “He slipped out of his collar, and started running amuck like he owns the place.”

Steve laughed again in an effort to ease the tension.

“It’s ok,” he reassured her, “I’m a dog person! Mind if I pet him?”

She looked relieved, “oh, of course! Go ahead.”

Steve hopped off of the bench and went to his knees beside the dog. The dog started to calm down as Steve petted him.

“Nice day, huh?” the woman asked cheerfully.

“Yeah, it’s a great day to be at the park.” Steve answered.

“What’re your names? I’m Sarah.”

“Sarah. That was my mother’s name.” Steve said with tenderness in his voice. “My name is Steve, and this is my friend Caleb.” Steve motioned to Bucky. At hearing Steve use a pseudo name, Bucky relaxed a little.

“It’s nice to meet you, I hope Bradley here isn’t ruining your day too much,” she said jokingly.

Steve laughed, “Caleb, would you like to pet the dog?” He didn’t mean to put Bucky in an uncomfortable situation, but honestly Bradley was so cute, he had to offer.

Bucky didn’t respond.

“Excuse my friend, he doesn’t speak much.” Steve tried to explain without being too awkward.

“Oh, no worries!” the woman replied casually. “Well Bradley and I better be on our way, I have to pick my son up from school.”

After a quick goodbye, she was off. Bucky looked stunned and frustrated with himself.

“Don’t worry, Bucky. I don’t expect you to trust anyone right away. It’s ok to get nervous, but try to remind yourself that this is a very friendly city, and that you are safe with me.” Steve reassured him.

“You know, this gave me an idea,” Steve said. “I know where we’re going after this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU GUYS ARE GETTING SUCH A CUTE CHAPTER NEXT.
> 
> Seriously, get ready to cry.
> 
> Comment on your thoughts! I love hearing from you. It makes my day!


	15. Fluffy Friends

“It’s a bit of a walk. We could take the bus part of the way.” Steve said.

Bucky felt nervous about public transportation, but he was trying not to show it. He wanted to trust Steve, it was just so hard to feel safe after seventy years of hiding. Despite his horrible gut feeling, he shrugged.

“Okay then, if we walk down to third street, then we can catch a bus from there.”

Once they left the park, Bucky was back to his observant behavior. They waited for the bus for a little less than ten minutes. When they boarded, Steve was relieved that the few people who were on the bus were minding their own business. Most were looking at their phones or listening to music.

The bus let them out just a few blocks down from their destination.

“You’re going to love the shelter. I sometimes go with Natasha. She’s a bunny person more than anything, but she still loves the cats, and I myself like seeing the dogs. We’ve gotten to know the people there pretty well, so they let us go back and visit the animals pretty much whenever we want,” Steve said.

When they arrived at the shelter, Steve said hello to a woman by the name of Anne and introduced Bucky as his real name this time. She led them into the back area. There was a short hallway. At the left end there was a door leading to the cat room, and at the right end was the door to the dogs. Steve figured it might be easier for Bucky to meet the cats first since they weren’t as loud.

The woman closed the door behind them and left them be. A few of the cats immediately started meowing at them and weaving between their ankles, while others just watched them from boxes or shelves. The room was full of small toys and carpeted boxes.

“C’mon, pal, try petting one, they’re all pretty friendly!” Steve called to Bucky while bending down to stroke a black cat with short hair.

Bucky didn’t seem very hesitant as he kneeled and reached out to a cat with his right hand. The cat sniffed his fingertips and rubbed against them. Steve could see Bucky’s eyes light up. Before long, Bucky was sitting on the ground with his legs stretched out in front of him and several cats in his lap. One cat put its front paws on his chest and nuzzled Bucky’s chin. Steve just watched his friend. He was smiling, and it was always nice to see Bucky so happy.

They stayed with the cats for well over half an hour. Bucky had started playing with them after about fifteen minutes. He flipped around a feather tied to a stick and watched the cats scramble to catch it.

“Would you like to see the dogs too, or have I lost you to the cats?” Steve joked.

Bucky stood and nodded with a smile, motioning to the door. They exited the room to the protest of several cats, and walked down the hallway to the side with the dogs. When they entered the door, they were met by an abundance of barking.

“Hey Gavin,” Steve said to a man that looked to be in his mid-twenties who was cleaning kennels.

“Hey Steve,” he called, “you know the drill. If you want to see any dogs, we can let you take them out into the yard one at a time.”

Steve nodded and proceeded down the walkway with Bucky.

“There’s one dog I especially like. His name is Gunther. Ah there he is!” Steve said, walking up to the gate where a boxer sat, wiggling with excitement.

“How’s my boy?” Steve said to the dog in an exaggerated voice. “Bucky come say hi to-“ Steve turned to see that Bucky was nowhere in sight. He stood and walked around the corner to look down the aisle to the left. He saw Bucky there, walking slowly past the kennels. He didn’t flinch at the barking, and in fact, he seemed fairly relaxed. Steve decided to watch and see what happened. Bucky looked left and right, but something caught his eye. He turned to the right and leaned down at one of the fences, observing.

After a few minutes of this, Steve approached to see what he was looking at. There was a medium-sized dog with short reddish brown fur laying on a towel in the back of the kennel. It looked at Bucky, but didn’t seem interested in getting up. Steve noticed a short stump at the shoulder where his front left leg should be.

Bucky looked up at Steve and pointed to the dog. His expression was hard to read.

“You want to take this one outside?” Steve asked.

He nodded.

Gavin unlocked the gate and approached the dog.

“Time to go outside, buddy.” He said to the dog in a kind voice.

The dog got up slowly and limped out the gate and towards the back of the room. Gavin followed it and opened a door the led to a small yard.

“Have fun, guys.” He said to Steve and Bucky.

The yard was mostly dirt with sparse patches of grass. There were toys and balls lying around, and there was a chair in the corner. The dog didn’t run around like the other dogs that Steve usually brought out to play with. He just roamed and sniffed around. Bucky followed him for a few minutes at a distance. Steve sat in the plastic chair.

Eventually, the dog laid down in a small patch of grass beside a tree. Bucky approached it slowly and bent over to let it sniff his hand. The dog did so, and then lay its head on its paws. Bucky started scratch the dog’s ears gently, and it closed its eyes in pleasure. Steve smiled as Bucky sat down next to the dog and continued petting it.

The way Bucky looked at the dog told Steve that Bucky understood it. His fingertips brushed along the dog’s shoulder where the stump was. Then he proceeded to pull up his left sleeve and reach out with his metal arm, as if to show the dog that they were the same. The dog leaned its head on Bucky’s leg, and Bucky shifted to lay on his side so that he could rest his head against the the dog’s back. They stayed that way for a long while, and Steve just watched with admiration. Bucky could barely touch Steve, let alone anyone else, but the dog was so different. His idea to come to the shelter was a success. Maybe it really had been just what Bucky needed.

Gavin came out to check on them after about twenty minutes.

“What’s this dog’s name?” Steve asked him.

“Her name is Hope,” he told them, “She was brought in by a man a while back. Apparently she was found in an abandoned parking lot. She had been abused and left for dead. Her leg was so screwed up that it had to be amputated. She’s sweet and shy, but a fighter nonetheless. Plus, she’s still young. Barely turned three yesterday. She still has a whole lifetime ahead of her. It’s sad though. No one wants to adopt her because of her story and her leg, and she’s been here longer than any other dog.”

Steve’s heart was aching, and he couldn’t imagine what Bucky was feeling after hearing that. It was pretty much his story too. Steve guessed that even though they had only been together for twenty minutes, there must be some deeper connection that Steve just couldn’t understand. He looked at Bucky, who was looking at Hope with tears in his eyes. Damn it. He told himself he would never let this happen, he usually had the self-control to say no.“What if we could give her a home?” Steve asked Gavin, although the question was meant for Bucky too.

Bucky looked up in shock. Gavin smiled.

“I think she would like that very much,” he replied.

“Can we have a moment?”

Gavin nodded and went back inside.

Bucky looked at Steve, his face conveyed a dozen different emotions: shock, uncertainty, joy, you name it.

“You like her?” Steve asked.

Bucky nodded quickly.

“I could keep her in my apartment. She doesn’t look like she needs a huge house anyways.” Steve said. “You could see her every weekend until you get out of the hospital, and then she’d be yours. You can even adopt her under your name if you’d like.”

Bucky wiped his eyes, but he was smiling as he nodded to Steve.

“Well I guess we’re gonna need a ride to the pet store,” he said, chuckling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve gives Bucky Hope. <3
> 
> Please leave your comments! I live off of them!


	16. Good Things Come in Threes

“Hey Nat, it’s Steve,” the call had gone to voicemail, “uh, if you get this, could you call me back?”

Steve hung up and turned to Bucky, “I hope she’s not busy or we’ll be walking all night. I really should look into getting a car of my own.”

Bucky didn’t seem to mind waiting around. The air outside started cooling down again, and he just sat on the curb petting Hope. After he signed all of the adoption papers, the shelter brought Hope out with a brand new purple collar and leash and handed her over. She didn’t seem to have a problem getting around on three legs, but Steve wondered if Tony would jump on the opportunity to make a prosthetic. Well, if he ever met Hope, that is.

After about five minutes, Steve’s phone rang.

“Hello?” he answered.

“Hey Steve, you called? What’s up?” Nat asked casually.

“Are you busy?”

“Not at all, I just got out of the shower.”

“Thank goodness, I have an odd question,” Steve said.

“Shoot.”

“Would you mind a dog in your car?”

“What do you mean a dog?” Nat said, sounding confused but also amused.

“Well… Bucky and I kind of adopted a dog.” He said in a guilty tone.

“Wow on his first day out? Isn’t that moving a little fast? What’s next, kids?” Natasha laughed.

Steve chuckled and blushed a little. _Wait_ , he thought to himself, _why am I blushing?_

“Anyways,” Steve continued, “do you think you could give us a ride to the pet store and then home?”

“Yeah sure, I’ve been needing some new bedding for Luna anyways.” Nat said.

“Thanks! I’ll see you in a few, then.”

Click.

Bucky was no longer focused on his surroundings like he had been on the way there. His focus was now completely consumed by Hope.

* * *

Natasha arrived in roughly fifteen minutes, and Bucky lifted Hope into the backseat. Steve climbed into the front. After Nat had finished obsessing over the new dog, she drove them to the pet store.

The same girl was working that had witnessed Steve adopting Luna. She still recognized him.

“Oh hello, sir.” She said, “how’s your bunny?”

“Great! Now we have a dog too!” he motioned to Hope.

She gasped and asked to pet her. Bucky looked concerned, but then nodded. She scratched behind Hope’s ears and along her spine.

“Such a cute doggy,” she said in a higher pitched voice.

Nat vanished into the aisles to find bedding, and Steve also started browsing for food, bowls, a dog bed, etc. After they had all found what they needed, they loaded it all into the car, and rode back to Steve’s place. He thanked Natasha for the ride and carried the supplies up the stairs. Bucky followed behind, gently carrying Hope.

Steve placed the bed in the corner of the room beside his desk, and the bowls beside the kitchen counter after he filled one with water. Hope wandered for a few, sniffing everything, especially Bucky’s duffle bag. She finally laid down at Bucky’s feet.

He absent-mindedly stroked her head as he listened to Steve.

“We should make sure and take her out every few hours, and we can feed her once in the morning, and once in the afternoon.”

Bucky nodded.

“Speaking of food, we should make dinner!” Steve remembered it was already getting to be six thirty.

Steve started preparing pork chops, and Bucky came to the kitchen insisting that he help. Steve walked him through the steps, and in between he made conversation about other things.

“Are you happy we brought Hope home?” Steve asked, although he already knew the answer.

Bucky smiled and nodded, looking over his shoulder at her with tenderness in his eyes. She was fast asleep on her bed.

“You two just looked too happy together, I couldn’t resist making the offer. Plus, you deserve someone who probably understands you better than I do-“

Bucky had grabbed Steve’s hand. He looked into Steve’s eyes and gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

“I’m glad she makes you happy, Buck, you deserve that.” Steve said.

Before he could say anything else, Bucky embraced him. He held on so tightly. It was the same feeling that Steve got from their last hug at the hospital, like Bucky didn’t want to let go. The hug was long, and it felt so good. Steve breathed it all in. Bucky’s hair felt incredibly soft against his cheek. He wished they could stay that way forever.

* * *

Dinner was delicious, and it was more fun eating with a friend than by himself. Bucky seemed to enjoy the not-hospital food immensely.

Later that night, Steve made up the couch with some blankets and a pillow and laid down. Bucky came out of the bathroom with wet hair and wearing a pair of sweatpants. He did one last thing before he crawled into bed. He dragged Hope’s bed to the side of the bed he would be sleeping in. When she laid down on it, he too laid down and turned out the light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BuckyBerry asked me a really good question after the last chapter that I think everyone needs to hear. They asked if Hope was based off a real dog.
> 
> The answer is that Hope is actually based off of Bucky himself (you may notice similar physical and behavioral characteristics between the two). I thought it would be interesting to play on Bucky being for the dog what Steve is for Bucky. That way Bucky isn't solely a victim. He gets his chance to be a savior/caretaker too, and that helps with his healing process. Plus, ya know, interacting with animals can reduce stress and can help with recovery from all sorts of mental illness. :)
> 
> Please leave comments and questions below! I love hearing from you!


	17. A Very Long Night

Steve awoke to a loud sound. His mind was fuzzy, but after he came to, he realized it wasn’t yet morning. The clock on his desk read 2:23am. The streetlamp outside the window illuminated the room enough that it was easy to see everything. _Bucky._ He looked over to the bed, and saw that it was empty. Hope let out a little whimper, but she was out of sight too.

Steve jumped off the couch, and when he was standing, he was able to see over the bed. Bucky was scrunched up in the corner of the room, and Hope was standing next to him looking alert. His knees were drawn to his chest with his head hidden between them. He was shaking and breathing heavily. Hope let out another small whine and licked the fabric over his shin.

Steve was unsure of what to do. Had Bucky suffered a nightmare? Was it safe to approach him?

He decided to try.

“Bucky?” he called softly, “it’s me, Steve.”

He approached slowly, and kneeled next to his friend, leaving about two feet of space between them.

“You’re safe here. Everything is ok.” He touched Bucky’s knee. Big mistake. Bucky lashed out with a yell, and grabbed Steve’s wrist with his metal hand. Steve felt an extremely powerful blunt force to his chest that knocked him backward. Hope was crying loudly now. The sound she made was truly awful to behold, like a mix between howling and a screeching. Bucky was on his feet, and his eyes looked wild, and it reminded Steve of the day he fought the Winter Soldier on the bridge. His chest was heaving, and he pressed his hands over his ears, slamming against the wall and sliding down to the floor once again. He made a gasping sound followed by some sort of guttural groan.

There was a knock at the door and some muffled voices, but Steve needed to calm Bucky down first and foremost.

Bucky was now rocking back and forth with his hands still over his ears and his eyes squeezed shut. Steve felt scared and helpless. He had no idea what he could do to get through to his friend.

After pacing back and forth nervously, Hope slid to her belly beside Bucky, and reached her head out to lick his fingers. Steve’s stomach twisted in fear that he might attack the dog, but he didn’t give the slightest indication that he even felt her there. Hope inched closer, and nuzzled her head under Bucky’s arm.

“Buck, pal, you’re safe. Your name is James Buchanan Barnes. You are here with me, Steve, in my apartment. Your new dog Hope is laying beside you to your right. Can you feel her fur, Bucky?” Steve remembered Tony once mentioning a technique called grounding. It was supposed to help someone having a panic attack because it helps them to focus on their surroundings and come back to reality.

Bucky’s fingers uncurled, and he started gently stroking the fur on Hope’s shoulder. His breathing was starting to even out.

There were more knocks on the door.

“Bucky, I’m going to go speak to the people outside. They are my neighbors; they aren’t here to hurt any of us. They are just concerned. I am going to tell them that everything is ok, and they will go away. I’m not leaving, I’ll be right back.”

Steve stood slowly, and walked to the door. When he opened it he saw three people. A man named Tim and his wife from the room to the right, and a sweet woman named Liu from across the hall. They asked about the commotion, and Steve reassured them that everything was fine. He told them he had just awoken from a nightmare and scared his dog on accident.

After hearing this, they wished him goodnight and went back to their rooms, and Steve relocked the door and returned to Bucky’s side.

Bucky had regained his composure, but he looked exhausted. His eyelids were half shut, and his head was leaded back against the wall. He avoided eye contact with Steve and looked a little embarrassed.

Steve knew we was talking to a coherent Bucky again, “it’s gonna be alright, pal.” He said.

Bucky reached up, and Steve flinched a little. He hesitated, but then proceeded to rest his hand on Steve’s shoulder. Steve responded by placing his hand on top of Bucky’s and giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Would you like to try and sleep again?” Steve asked.

Bucky shook his head.

“Alright, that’s ok, I’ll stay right here with you,” Steve replied as he shifted to sit against the wall beside his friend.

Bucky looked over at Hope, causing her to wag her tail and wiggle even closer to his side. He scratched her head, and her tail wagged more quickly.

They stayed that way for several hours. Hope fell asleep first. Steve occasionally dozed off, but snapped back awake when his head started to fall forward. Bucky showed no signs of movement, and Steve figured it would be best to stay quiet. Eventually, the tiredness overtook him completely, and he fell asleep.

* * *

 

When he woke again, he was still slouched against the wall with Bucky beside him. Sunlight was streaking through the semi-sheer drapes, indicating that it was morning. He could hear soft snores coming from his friend. Suddenly, he realized that he was leaning on Bucky’s shoulder. He could feel the weight of Bucky’s head resting on top of his own. Steve blushed, but didn’t want to sit up. Bucky needed the sleep after last night. He probably didn’t fall asleep until long after Steve did.

He closed his eyes and continued resting there for about an hour. At around nine, Bucky finally stirred, pulling Steve out of his daze as well. Bucky didn’t seem embarrassed about the way they had been leaning on each other. They both sat up straight again. Steve could feel the stiffness throughout his body from sitting on the hard wooden floor.

“Good morning,” he said in a groggy voice.

Bucky finally seemed to be at ease again after the events of last night. He reached over and lightly scratched Hope’s exposed belly, waking her up. They fed her breakfast and took her out, and afterward Steve began rummaging through the fridge for something to cook.

“We can have eggs and fried potatoes,” he offered.

Bucky nodded with a tired smile.

It was raining again today, so they decided to stay indoors until it stopped. At one point, Steve turned on his laptop and started searching for a something to watch to pass the time. They decided on renting and watching the Hobbit movies online, since they both read the book.

Steve propped the laptop on his desk chair, and they stretched out on the couch to start their marathon.

Halfway through the first movie, Bucky seemed to be getting uncomfortable, as he kept shifting his body around every few minutes.

“Here,” Steve said, grabbing one of the pillows from his bed and resting it on his leg. Bucky laid on his side and rested his head on the pillow. About twenty minutes into the second movie, he was fast asleep. Steve just smiled and finished the movie on his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the rough chapter! I threw in a little fluff at the end to cheer you up. <3
> 
> I know some of you are probably missing Nat, but she'll return soon, I promise!
> 
> Leave any comments or questions below!


	18. A Mess Of Bubbles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shorter chapter!

Bucky woke up shortly after the movie ended. He sat up and yawned. When they started making sandwiches for lunch, Steve’s phone rang.

Bucky picked up the phone and showed it to Steve, looking confused. The screen read ‘Mutasha’.

“Oh, that’s Natasha. She did that as a joke,” he explained to Bucky before answering the phone on speaker.

“Good morning, doofus,” Natasha said cheerfully.

“It’s almost noon,” Steve replied.

“Almost, but still morning.”

“You got me. You’re on speaker because my hands are full,” Steve replied. “What’s up?”

“You two have any special plans for today?” She asked.

Steve looked up at Bucky before answering, “We were just hanging around my place, how come?”

“It’s International Bunny Day, losers.” She said in a playful tone.

Steve had forgotten… again.

“Oh… yeah,” he said.

“I’m holding a party for Luna. I invited Clint and Sam, but you should come as well if you can.”

“Nat, Clint doesn’t know about Bucky, does he?” Steve asked, a little worried.

“No, no,” Natasha said quickly, “I wouldn’t tell anyone. But Clint is very good at keeping secrets, so if you wanted to come, it wouldn’t be a big deal.”

Steve looked at Bucky, “I think it would be good for you to get to know my friends, Buck, but I don’t want to rush you into anything. If you want to go, we can, but if you don’t, we won’t.”

Bucky looked a little anxious, but he motioned to Hope.

“Could Bucky bring Hope?” Steve asked Natasha. 

“It’s _Bunny_ Day, not dog day,” she said in an exaggerated voice, “but as long as you can keep her from mauling Luna, I’m sure it would be fine.”

Bucky weighed his options for a moment, but finally he nodded to Steve. Steve knew that had it been anyone but his friends, Bucky probably would’ve refused. He seemed to be trying very hard to make Steve happy, and Steve appreciated the extra effort.

“I guess that’s a yes from us,” Steve said, “What time does your party start?”

“Sam and Clint are showing up around five. You better not be late.” She said, but Steve knew she was joking… probably.

“Don’t worry, we’ll make it on time for the bunny mask-making event,” Steve joked back, getting a chuckle from Bucky, “I’ll see if Sam will give us a ride.”

* * *

Sam agreed after only a little protesting about having a dog in his car.

“We should probably give Hope a bath before we take her over,” Steve told Bucky.

Bucky agreed, so after lunch they pulled out a towel and some soap, and filled the bottom of Steve’s tub with lukewarm water as Steve put on music from his phone. Bucky lifted hope into the bath, and they began wetting her fur. She didn’t seem to mind at all, in fact, she looked to be enjoying it quite a lot. With her short coat, the process went pretty quickly, but Bucky used far more soap than necessary. Steve suspected it was because he liked all the bubbles it made.

Halfway through the bath, there were bubbles everywhere. Bucky and Steve were solely responsible for the mess, as Hope did nothing but sit in the tub calmly. Giving the dog a bath had turned them both into five-year-olds again. They blew fluffy chunks of bubbles at each other, and slopped water everywhere in the process. Bucky scooped up a pile of bubbles and fashioned a little Elvis Presley hair-do on top of Hope’s head. This made Steve laugh, and Bucky laughed right along with him. Steve started singing along to Boogie Wonderland, and they giggled even more.

After doing a rather horrible job of matching the pitch, Bucky made a jokingly disgusted face and splashed him with water. Hope barked in excitement, and when she stood and started wagging her tail, it threw even more bubbles up into the air. All of this took Steve back to his younger years, when he and Bucky were innocent and carefree. God, he missed those days.

After Hope was all clean, they drained the water and towel-dried her coat. She wagged her tail furiously and started prance-hopping around the apartment happily. Bucky dropped to his knees and hugged her around the neck as she tried to lick his face.

“Man, I guess she really likes bath time,” Steve giggled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> International Rabbit Day is actually a thing. I looked it up!
> 
> Also, if anyone *cough* likes to draw, here’s some pretty adorable things I would loooove to see:
> 
> \- Bucky in his new ‘I heart DC’ hat  
> \- Bucky, Steve and Hope  
> \- Natasha in her bunny hat with Luna  
> \- Bucky and Steve giving Hope a bath  
> \- and literally anything else you could think of
> 
> If anyone draws anything, feel free to email it to me or submit it via tumblr (I won’t share it publicly without your consent)
> 
> Email: rixtide@gmail.com  
> tumblr: not-nearly-sane.tumblr.com


	19. International Bunny Day

Sam arrived at Steve’s apartment a few minutes before five. Seeing as he had not been introduced to Bucky yet, he wanted to be polite, so he stepped out of the car and walked around to the curb. Steve and Bucky came out the door. Bucky set Hope down next to him. He was holding onto her purple leash.

“Bucky, meet Sam,” Steve said casually, “Sam, Bucky.”

Bucky approached cautiously, and to Steve’s relief, Sam didn’t try to shake his hand.

“Hey man, what’s up? Cute dog.” Sam said in a friendly tone.

Steve could see how much effort it was taking, but Bucky looked up at Sam and gave a nod of his head. He was already doing so much better than he had the first time he met Natasha.

 _Maybe today won’t be so weird after all,_ Steve thought to himself. He had faith that Bucky would keep doing better and better as he became more comfortable in public and around Steve’s friends. He was already showing exponential improvement.

Sam had laid out a towel in the back seat so that Hope wouldn’t get fur all over the seat. He was neat like that, especially when it came to his car. Bucky sat in the back seat next to his dog, and Steve claimed the front. Sam and Steve made conversation to pass the short car ride. Mostly they talked about Natasha and Clint. They had a very subtle relationship lately, but it was still obvious to everyone.

When they arrived, Bucky lifted Hope out of the car and let her roam and sniff around a little. Natasha and Clint had been waiting on the porch. After greeting Sam and Steve, Natasha walked up to Bucky.

“Hey Bucky, how’s Hope doing?” She asked cheerfully.

Bucky smiled as she bent down to pet the dog.

“C’mon! I want you to meet Clint.” She motioned for Bucky to follow her, so he did.

She must have briefed Clint beforehand, because he didn’t try to shake Bucky’s hand or ask him questions that needed a reply.

“See? I told you his dog was adorable.” Natasha called to Clint. He chuckled and walked out to meet them.

“Hey Bucky, it’s nice to formally meet you. Steve used to never stop talking about you, so I feel like I practically already know you!” Clint said in a cool and welcoming voice, “I would offer you a beer, but Nat doesn’t allow anything good in her house.”

Nat jokingly punched his arm for the comment, and Bucky smiled at them.

They all went inside, and Nat informed Bucky that Hope was fine anywhere except on the furniture or within a few feet of Luna. Steve was shocked when saw the inside of the house, but in reality, he didn’t expect much less from Natasha.

There were streamers in the doorways and lining the fireplace. A homemade banner that read ‘Happy Bunny Day!’ hung on the wall. She had also moved Luna’s cage into the living room for the special occasion. Steve brought a few liters of soda from his apartment, Sam brought chips and salsa, and Clint and Nat had prepared a whole dish of pasta and breadsticks.

“Wow, ok. When you called, I thought the Bunny Day thing was a cover so that you could just have some time with friends. I didn’t know we were actually celebrating the existence of rabbits,” Sam said in disbelief.

“Clearly,” Steve interjected with a giggle, “you don’t know Nat well enough.”

“I almost forgot!” Nat exclaimed, grabbing her bunny hat from the kitchen table and putting it on.

“You have… a bunny hat,” Sam said slowly, “please tell me you aren’t gonna release a hundred rabbits into your house halfway through the afternoon…”

Everyone chuckled, even Bucky, who stood off to the side with Hope still on her leash.

Most of the evening consisted of them all chatting away about their friends and interests. Clint talked a lot about a car he was trying to get his hands on, and Sam talked about his Falcon suit undergoing repairs after a run-in with a private jet.

Steve sat on the small couch beside Bucky. Hope was laying at their feet, and Bucky sat upright with a stiff back. Steve could tell he wasn’t able to totally relax.

He leaned closer to Bucky and asked him if he wanted to meet Luna. Bucky gave a tense nod, so Steve walked over to the cage and asked Nat permission to hold her bunny.

He pulled out the little ball of fluff. Upon seeing Luna, Steve was reminded of how much he had fallen in love with her a few weeks back. He held her close to his chest, cupped safely in his hands. She was smaller than the average bunny, so she fit perfectly into his palms.

“Bucky, do you want to hold her?” Natasha asked.

After a moment of hesitation, he nodded. Steve carefully handed her over, and Bucky cupped her as gently as possible, afraid that he would hurt her. First, he held her close to his chest, just as Steve did, but after a minute or so he held her up in front of his face so that he could look at her face. She was so calm about being held and touched, probably because Nat spent at least seventy-five percent of her time with the bunny. Bucky nuzzled his nose against Luna’s soft fur, and he smiled warmly.

After offering the others to hold her, Bucky set her in his lap and let her fall asleep there. Something about animals brought out the gentlest side of Bucky’s personality, and that was Steve’s favorite trait of his. If there was one thing Steve wouldn’t tolerate, it was people who mistreated animals.

* * *

 

Being with his friends was a lot of fun, but Steve had to take Bucky back to the hospital in the morning, and he needed to make sure they had plenty of time to make up for lost sleep. Sam and Steve said their goodbyes, and Steve gave Natasha a pat on the head to tease her about her height. After giving him a death look, she offered them a ride back to the hospital in the morning. Steve accepted and thanked her.

Sam dropped them off at Steve’s apartment, and by the time they got back up to the room, the clock told them it was 11:14pm.

They took turns showering, and Steve made up the couch with blankets again.

Hope’s bed was still beside Steve’s, and she was laying there already when Bucky came out of the bathroom. He climbed into the bed, smiled at Steve, and turned out the light.

Steve hoped with everything he had that Bucky would be able to get a solid night of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this last chapter wasn't as eventful, but the next chapter is really good, so just hang in there!
> 
> Leave any comments or questions that you have for me!


	20. A Friend's Duty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think you guys are gonna like this chapter.

Steve woke again that night. It was still dark outside, and he heard heavy breathing and small whimpers coming from Bucky. He jumped up off the couch, but saw Bucky was still in bed this time. He must have still been asleep because he was twitching like he was having a nightmare. Steve needed to wake him up, but he didn’t want to get hit like the previous night.

“Bucky,” he said in a quiet voice, but this did nothing. “Buck!”

Bucky wasn’t waking up. What should he do? He thought about shaking him awake. He would be more prepared for a blow this time, and maybe he could restrain Bucky. However, he didn’t want Bucky to feel that he was being attacked, and he didn’t want to startle the neighbors again. Hope was at the side of the bed with her ears back, wagging her tail nervously.

Hope let out an unexpected bark, and Bucky shot straight up. He looked wild and soldier-like, with his back as straight as a pole and his hands clenched into fists.

“Bucky, everything is ok, you are safe,” he repeated his mantra from the night before and approached slowly.

Bucky hurried out of the bed in a panic, and held his hand out in front of him to stop Steve. Steve stood still, but tried to keep talking him down.

“You don’t have to be afraid anymore, pal. No one is going to hurt you or me or Hope. We are all safe, and you are my friend.”

Bucky became frustrated with himself and couldn’t stop tears from coming to his eyes. He walked to the door and unlocked it.

“Bucky, where are you going?” This was bad. If he ran away, Steve would be held accountable, but more than anything, Steve just didn’t want to lose his friend again. He decided it would be best to follow Bucky down the stairs and out the door. He didn’t try running, but he walked out into the street frantically. Steve tried to step off the curb to follow, but Bucky put his hand out again, this time more aggressively. He gave Steve a dangerous look, and Steve became fearful of what would happen if he got any closer.

“Bucky, please, come back inside,” he called from the sidewalk.

Bucky was entirely consumed by panic. He put his hands over his ears and dropped to his knees, letting out a long and terrible yell. His breathing was so out of control that Steve could hear his gasps from fifteen feet away. He was worried about a car coming. It was relatively dark and Bucky would be hard to see in time. He pleaded with his friend to get out of the street, but Bucky just stayed there, rocking back and forth with his hands still pressed over his ears. Steve heard the engine of a car in the distance, and he began hollering more loudly and frantically. He no longer cared about startling neighbors. The car drew nearer at a rapid speed, and Steve could now see headlights. He didn’t care if his friend was uncomfortable at touch, he wasn’t going to let him get hit by a car.

Bucky let out a loud grunting/screeching sound as Steve collided with him. They flew a few feet and hit the ground so hard that all the air was knocked out of his lungs. Steve stood quickly and dragged his friend to the opposite sidewalk.

Steve couldn’t keep his composure this time.

“What the hell were you thinking, Bucky?!” He yelled. Immediately, he regretted raising his voice. He had always tried to stay calm and collected with Bucky. Plus, he knew he shouldn’t blame Bucky for his spells of panic and lack of control, it wasn’t his fault.

Bucky looked startled, but the wild look in his eyes was gone. His face contorted into a painful look of guilt.

“Buck… I’m sorry, I just got scared.” Steve’s voice was now much softer. “Everything’s ok, I’m not mad. I just want you to come inside with me. Can you do that?”

Bucky didn’t respond, he just stood and crossed the street to the door with his head hung low. Steve followed him. Thankfully, no one had come outside to investigate the yelling, although he knew they had probably been watching from their windows.

When they arrived back in the room, Steve locked the door, and Hope greeted them whining anxiously. Bucky walked straight past her without any acknowledgement, and sat on the edge of the bed facing away from Steve, his head still hung low and his shoulders slumped over.

Steve felt awful and guilty and a million other emotions. He had let the happiness of the last two days trick him into thinking Bucky was ok. He had excused the nightmare the first night as if it was just one mishap, and he let himself believe that Bucky was well enough to leave the hospital for good. He selfishly started to think that Bucky would be better off living with him for a while. How foolish. He was reminded that, just as the therapist had said, Bucky really wasn’t emotionally stable enough to leave inpatient care yet. What he often saw of Bucky was only during visiting hours. Those were probably some of Bucky’s best moments. He had to keep in mind that Bucky wasn’t always doing as dandy as he seemed. Steve knew him pretty well, but he couldn’t see through him. Only Bucky would ever know the true intensity of his feelings, and Steve had to stop making assumptions.

He walked to the bed, and sat down beside Bucky. His long hair shielded his face.

“I want to apologize, Bucky. Not just for yelling, but also for being so selfish. I know going into public and to the party was not easy. I guess I just assumed that because you’ve seemed so happy this weekend, that you were magically cured somehow, and that it would be easy for you to go to Nat’s. I know you’re trying really hard to meet my friends and go places with me because you know it makes me happy. I really do appreciate all of your effort, but I feel like I’m pushing you too hard. I got so wrapped up in having fun, that I sometimes forgot to consider your emotions and limits. From now on, I want you to be honest with me if something is too much. I know you’re strong as hell, but I understand that recovery takes a very long time.”

Bucky looked Steve in the eyes. He looked sad and embarrassed, but Steve saw a hint of relief in his eyes as well. Steve opened his arms, and Bucky embraced him. Bucky went through a few seconds of steady breathing, and then he shook a little, and then he became calm again. After about three minutes of this, it became clear that neither of them wanted to let go. Steve slowly pulled Bucky down to the mattress with him, and they laid there like that until morning, falling in and out of sleep.

* * *

 

After the sun came up, Steve was the first to rise. He fed Hope and got himself put together for the day. When he was brushing his teeth, he looked up into the mirror to see Bucky standing in the bathroom doorway behind him. He looked tired, but at ease.

Bucky finished gathering his things and gave Hope a heartfelt goodbye. Natasha picked them up at the curb outside. She was in a good mood, but the ride was pretty silent. Bucky checked himself back in, and Steve signed the necessary forms saying that everything went ok. He was also asked to fill out a survey about Bucky’s behaviors and moods over the weekend.

Bucky looked relieved to be back in his little room, and Steve didn’t take any offense from that. He understood the feeling of needing some space and solitude.

He bid Bucky goodbye and promised he would be back for tomorrow’s visiting hours. With that he left.

The weekend had, over all, been pretty good, and despite a few mishaps, he was still undeniably and unconditionally proud of Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm literally so emotional after writing this. I make even myself cry sometimes...
> 
> Please leave comments, I really really want to know what you think!


	21. The Incredible Dr. Banner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourselves.

When he got home, he noticed that Bucky had neatly made his bed before they left. He thought back to the events of the night before, and felt sick thinking about Bucky’s breakdown. At least he was back in better hands. There was no doubt that the time away from the hospital benefitted Bucky, but Steve was just glad he was under proper care again.

The apartment felt so empty without Bucky there. He walked slowly to Hope’s bed and sat down beside her. She thumped her tail against the ground and nuzzled his hand.

Steve felt lonely. Very lonely. The silence of the room was overwhelming. He really wanted to talk to one of his friends, but one that he didn’t see as often. He wanted to talk, like really have a nice calm conversation. Natasha joked too much, Sam tried not to drag out conversation, and Bucky… well, didn’t talk back.

Steve scrolled through the contacts in his phone. There were only a few, but one stuck out to him. The kindest and most understanding man Steve knew: Bruce Banner. Steve clicked on his number and the phone started ringing.

“Hello?” Bruce picked up after the second ring.

“Hey Bruce,” Steve said, unsure of what exactly he wanted to say. It was a little awkward to call Bruce because he had only done so once before for Nat’s party. “Uh, I was just calling to ask if you’re still in the area. I know it’s been a while since Nat’s party, but I was curious.”

Bruce sounded a little confused, “I’m not too far,” he answered vaguely to be safe. “How come? Is everything alright?”

“Look, I know this is an odd request coming from me, but would you like to maybe grab a coffee or something sometime? I just feel like I need to talk, and you’re a nice guy. Plus, I feel we didn’t get the time we needed to catch up at Nat’s party.”

“Well, I’m about an hour and a half from you. I’ve been sticking around to work on a research project.” Bruce answered. He was always very careful about giving away his location.

“I don’t want to ask you to drive all that way, and I think some time out would be good for me too. I could meet you somewhere halfway?” Steve offered.

“Yeah, ok. I’m available tonight or Thursday night if one of those works for you. Have you heard of a place called Lucile’s diner? It’s along highway 62.”

“I haven’t heard of it, but I will find it, and I can do tonight. What time?” Steve asked.

“Is seven ok?”

“Yeah, seven sounds great. Thanks for this, Bruce.”

“Sure thing! I’ll you then.” He replied before hanging up.

Steve wasn’t expecting Bruce to be in the area, let alone available. He smiled and flopped down on his couch.

It was still early in the day, and Steve figured he could take Hope to the pet store and pick her up something fun.

He caught a bus that dropped off only a block down from the pet store. There was a woman riding the bus with her five-year-old daughter sitting across from him, and the little girl asked if she could pet the dog. Steve smiled and ensured the mother that Hope was very friendly and calm. The little girl made Steve giggle. She patted Hope’s head and hugged her around the neck, and she kept saying “pretty doggy, pretty doggy” as she did so. When she discovered that Hope’s leg was missing, she turned to her mother and asked “What happened to the doggy’s arm, momma?”

The woman looked up at Steve with an embarrassed smile.

“It’s ok, really,” he told her, before looking back down at the girl, “when she was a puppy, her leg got hurt pretty badly in an accident. She decided that she didn’t need it to be strong and beautiful, so she’s been living without it ever since.”

The little girl smiled and looked back at her mother, saying, “Mommy, she’s just like sister!”

“Kayla’s older sister lost her arm after a car accident a few years ago,” the woman explained to Steve.

Steve smiled sadly and turned to Kayla, “wow, your sister must be as brave and strong too!”

The little girl nodded happily, and her mother smiled. _Thank you,_ she mouthed to Steve. Unfortunately, Steve’s stop had come up, and so he said goodbye and helped Hope out of the bus.

They got to the store a few minutes later, and Steve began browsing the toys and treats. One toy called ‘The Puzzle Ball’ was designed so that an owner could put treats inside, and the dog would have to roll it around and figure out how to get the treats out. There was also a whole array of stuffed toys with squeakers inside. Steve ended up purchasing more than he intended to. In total, he bought the puzzle ball, a stuffed frog, a bag of treats, and a bag containing a few large bones.

“Somebody’s getting spoiled today,” the cashier said cheerfully as he rang up the items.

Steve couldn’t wait to get home and let Hope have her new toys. They rode the bus back again, and when they got back inside, Steve started taking tags off of the frog and stuffing treats into the ball. He tossed the frog to Hope first, and she excitedly grabbed hold of it and started hopping around squeaking it. The more noise it made, the more excited she got. She kept tossing her head up and down as if to show off. A few times she dropped it at Steve’s feet, but when he bent down to pick it up, she would quickly nab it and start showboating again.

Hope continued playing with her toys as Steve pulled out his laptop to look up the location of the diner. The map said it was roughly a forty-minute drive from his apartment, so he decided to leave around six fifteen.

To pass the time before he had to leave, he decided to take a nap. He was still pretty tired from the last two nights.

* * *

 He slept for a surprisingly long while, and thankfully he woke just in time to start getting ready.

A while later, he set out one of the bones for Hope, and grabbed his bag and jacket. On the way down the staircase, he said hello to a woman named Otella who lived a floor below him.

He mounted his bike and remembered he would have to stop for gas before the highway, but he still had plenty of time. He always ended up leaving earlier than planned or necessary because he took punctuality very seriously.

The ride was incredibly relaxing. One thing Steve liked about motorcycles was that he always felt closer to nature. Being out on a two lane highway like this always gave him time to relax. The cool night air on his face felt so good after spending most of the last few weeks in his stuffy apartment. Riding across longer distances was almost therapeutic for Steve because it gave the brain time to wind down.

He pulled into the dirt parking lot of the diner after what felt like only ten minutes. This was the type of diner you would see in movies. It was in the middle of nowhere, and a little lit up sign read Lucile’s Diner. It was build out of old wood, and looked like it had been around since the nineteen thirties. It was a cute and welcoming little place, and Steve could see why Banner picked it as their meeting place.

He went inside and got a booth by the window. He was a few minutes early, and he figured Bruce would be along shortly.

Sure enough, Bruce came through the door less than three minutes later. He looked over and saw Steve.

“Hello, Steve,” he said as he slid into the booth.

“Hey, how was the ride?” Steve asked.

Before he could reply, a waitress dressed in a yellow shirt with a white apron came to the table to take their drink order and hand them menus. Steve ordered coffee, and Bruce asked for apple juice.

“My ride was good, no traffic at all,” Bruce continued after the waitress left.

“That’s always good,” Steve replied.

Bruce looked a bit different than at Nat’s party. He was dressed nicely, but he looked tired. The kind of tired that results from days of no sleep. Knowing him, though, Steve figured it was probably the result his research project. When Banner got into something, he wouldn’t take a break until someone told him to. He had always been passionate about his work.

“So, I’m not going to lie. It caught me a little off guard that you asked me on a date like this,” Bruce joked, making Steve chuckle.

“Well to be completely honest, I just think you’re very pretty,” Steve joked back.

They laughed quietly before Bruce got a little more serious.

“No, really, what’s up?” He asked.

“Well,” Steve wasn’t sure where to start. He knew he wanted to talk, but he hadn’t given any thought to what he wanted to talk about. “I know you and I aren’t particularly close, but I know you’re a good friend.”

Bruce looked slightly worried, “is everything ok?”

“Yeah. But, uh… I found Bucky a while back.” Steve didn’t mean to be so sudden. Banner already looked tired, and he didn’t want to dump all of this on him right now. It was too late, though. The cat was out of the bag.

“Oh, how did that go? Does anyone know?”

“Not the best. It’s a long story. He’s in the hospital now. Nat and Sam know, and yesterday Clint found out too.”

“Well, we’re grown men and we don’t have a bedtime, so I think we have time for this long story if you wanted to share. If not, I understand.” Bruce said.

Steve started with the day he found Bucky’s old apartment hideout. He talked about Bucky’s unwillingness to acknowledge Steve, and then the night he went to the hospital.”

“Wow…” Bruce said after a deep breath. “Steve I’m so sorry.”

Steve reassured him that he was ok, and continued on with his story. He talked about visiting hours, Bucky’s muteness and PTSD. He talked about reading the books and Nat’s visit. He was trying not to leave out any details, and this was becoming more of a novel-length story than a quick summary, but Bruce was a good listener, and he absorbed every word Steve said.

Steve went on to talk about how Bucky began opening up. He told Bruce about their first hug, which made him blush a little. He then started going into detail about Bucky’s time away from the hospital. The story about the park and adopting Hope made Bruce smile. Steve tried to describe Bucky’s first panic attack. He wasn’t sure why he kept including the details about them falling asleep on each other and Bucky laying in his lap the next morning. Normally he would keep that to himself.  Lastly, he told Bruce about Nat’s bunny day party and Bucky’s breakdown the second night.

“I took him back to the hospital this morning,” Steve finished. “I’m sorry that was long and had a lot more info than necessary.”

“Please, don’t apologize,” Bruce replied. He seemed to be genuinely invested in the story.

“I don’t really know why I felt like telling you that,” Steve admitted.

“Well, I think it’s because there are some things that are bothering you. It’s good to work through it, and I am a doctor after all,” he chuckled.

Steve gave a little smile, “Ok, but what exactly is bothering me? I don’t feel like I’m under any stress. I feel good. I’m really glad Bucky is back in my life!”

“For one, becoming someone else’s caretaker comes with a lot of stress. Sometimes it’s hard to recognize the toll it takes because you also get the joy of helping them and seeing them improve.” Banner said.

“But I’m really not stressed, Bruce.” Steve argued.

“You are. You look like crap, Steve. Admit it, you’re always worried about him. And by worried I don’t mean you think he’s going to crumble again. I mean you worry that he’s comfortable, or you hope he’s having a good day when you don’t see him. Hell, you don’t have to be worried to be stressed. It takes a lot of energy to be constantly invested in others, and that can drain you more quickly and cause stress.”

Ok, that made sense. Steve had never thought about it before, but he realized that Bruce was right…

“I’m not trying to say it isn’t worth it or that you shouldn’t help others, I’m just trying to say you need to take the added stress into account so that you know how to properly take care of yourself too.” Bruce said.

Steve just sat there for a moment, sorting out Bruce’s points in his head, trying to make sense of it all.

“The other thing,” Bruce regained Steve’s attention, “is that you’re falling in love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll post the next chapter asap, I won't leave you hanging like that for long!
> 
> Leave me those comments! I looooooove themmmmm!


	22. You're My Mission

_What the absolute fuck?!_ Steve looked at Banner like he was insane. He wanted to retort back, but he was speechless, and he felt blood rushing to his face again.

Bruce started laughing. _Really_ laughing. He caused others in the diner to look their way, and Steve felt even more embarrassment piling on.

“I can’t believe… you didn’t… recognize that,” Bruce gasped, still laughing so hard he could barely breathe.

“Bruce, he’s my best friend.” Steve said seriously.

“Oh?” Bruce still couldn’t control himself, but he was trying to quiet down a little for the sake of the people around them. He had gone from forty-year-old philosophical therapist to a seven-year-old child in .4 seconds.

Steve wanted to be mad at him for saying something so absurd and then making a scene, but all the laughter was getting to him. He began giggling too, despite trying to keep his face angry.

Bruce was wiping the tears from his eyes, and Steve finally gave in to the smile that had been pushing its way to his lips.

“You have no proof.” Steve said, still trying to counter his argument.

“Steve, you just sat here and told me a completely serious story on the mental and emotional state of Bucky, and still managed to include every detail about hugging and falling asleep together. For God’s sake, Steve, you adopted a dog with him.”

“I adopted a dog _for_ him.” Steve objected, but he knew any of his counter arguments would be weak. Although he didn’t want to admit it, very deep down he knew Bruce was right.

Bruce could see straight through him. _Damn doctors,_ Steve thought to himself. He sighed, there was no use denying it any more.

“Ok, so what am I supposed to do? Bucky is nowhere near ready for an emotional relationship, and to be honest I don’t think I want that yet either. Plus, I don’t think he’s even into men.” Steve said, defeated.

“Then don’t do anything,” Bruce said. His voice had become much more calm and warm again. “Just keep going on as normal. Keep visiting him and letting him stay with you over his next leave. Take it one day at a time, just like you’ve been doing. If something is going to develop, it will happen naturally.”

It was so good to hear Bruce validate his feelings and advise him without being pushy. Everything with Bucky seemed so natural and so… _right_. The world was a much better place with Bucky Barnes. He wondered if Bucky felt more between them too. He never seemed awkward about hugging or laying together.

Steve thanked Bruce for helping him understand, and that was right about the time the waitress came back to take their orders. Steve had forgotten how hungry he was. He ordered chicken fried steak with corn, and Bruce ordered a turkey club sandwich.

As they waited for their food, Steve asked Bruce how he had been. Bruce described his most recent research on a new virus outbreak. He talked in a lot of terms that Steve didn’t fully understand, but he tried to be as avid of a listener as Bruce had been for him.

Steve asked if he was planning on leaving the country again anytime soon

“You know,” Banner replied, “I’ve been pretty well left alone lately, and I really enjoy being at least a little closer to my friends. I guess until someone or something gives me a reason to run, I’m planning on staying put.”

Steve wondered if by being closer to his friends, he meant Tony, but he chose not to say anything about it. Instead he replied with, “that’s really good, Bruce. It’s a rare thing for us superheroes to feel comfortable and safe, so you might as well soak up all the freedom while it’s available.”

Bruce nodded with a hint of sadness in his smile.

“So you say your new dog has only three legs?” he asked.

“Yeah, she gets around ok, but it’s too hard on her to go on a lot of walks and whatnot. I read that it could give her arthritis because of all the extra pressure on her right leg now.”

“You could always ask Tony-“

“To make a prosthetic,” Steve finished the sentence, and they both chuckled. “You know that’s the first thought that comes to everyone’s mind. Tony would be like a kid in a candy store.”

There was a pause.

“Do you think you’ll ever tell the others about Bucky?” Bruce asked.

“Well, I don’t want to put any more pressure on Bucky until he’s ready, and I know some of the others might be a little skeptical about his intentions. I imagine telling the others eventually, but probably one at a time.”

“Well, there’s no rush.” Bruce’s voice was compassionate and understanding.

Their food came, and they ate slowly as they discussed more light-hearted topics such as Phil Coulson’s new promotion and Pietro and Wanda’s chance to finally go to school and experience a more normal life.

By the end of dinner, it felt as if they had been long-time friends. Steve had never had a real opportunity to spend time with Banner, but now that he did, he appreciated his friendship even more.

They walked out to the parking lot, and Steve thanked him for going so out of his way. Before mounting his motorcycle, he told Bruce, “Next time you’re in the area, give me a call! It was really good to catch up with you.”

Bruce smiled and assured him he would.

* * *

 

The ride home seemed much longer because he had so much more to think about. Mostly he thought about Bucky. He thought about the feel of his soft hair against his cheek. He thought about the look in Bucky’s eyes whenever he looked at Hope.

Steve just wanted to be home and sleep so that he could see Bucky again as soon as possible.

Steve walked into the hospital. He wished he had been able to bring Hope, but only service dogs were allowed here. He checked in at the desk, and entered the common area of the psychiatric ward. Bucky wasn’t in the commons, so Steve checked outside before concluding he must be in his room.

As he walked down the hallway, he saw that Bucky’s door was wide open and the light was off. When he knocked and entered, the room was empty. Totally empty. Bucky’s duffle bag wasn’t in sight, and the bed was neatly made.

Steve started to feel nervous, “excuse me,” he called to the nearest nurse, “did Bucky Barnes move rooms?”

The woman just stared at him with a confused expression.

“James Buchanan Barnes, he was in that room right over there yesterday, did he move to a different room?” Steve asked, starting to feel frustrated.

She just shook her head and shrugged, “I don’t know a James Barnes, I’m sorry.”

A lump formed in his throat as he ran to Dr. Baumann’s door and began knocking furiously. A male orderly approached him.

“Dr. Baumann isn’t in today, sir. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” He said to Steve.

Steve’s heart was racing. He ran outside and started his motorcycle. He drove straight to Bucky’s old apartment and ran up the stairs to his door. The door had been broken down from the outside, and everything inside was a mess. The table had been tipped over and the mattress shredded. All the cupboards were left open and a few were hanging on one hinge. The smell of old blood from the bathroom made Steve nauseous, and he turned to leave in a hurry.

When he spun around, Bucky was standing there blocking the door, in his full Winter Soldier uniform, mask and all. Steve’s stomach twisted, and he called out to him.

“Bucky, what are you doing… wh- why?”

“Who the hell is Bucky?”, Bucky said, taking four steps towards Steve so fast that he could barely react. Something hit him in the face and sent him flying backward.

His body convulsed, making it feel as if he had slammed backwards into his bed. He woke in a cold sweat, and kicked the covers off. He stood and began pacing, running his shaking fingers through his hair.

 _Calm down, Steve, breathe. It was only a dream,_ He thought to himself. He went to the kitchen and filled a glass with water, chugging it down all at once before filling it again. He tried to shake the feeling that something had happened to Bucky, but he was so shaken by the dream that it was hard to relax.

There was nothing he could do until visiting hours. Even if he tried calling the hospital, the nurses weren’t allowed to give any information on the patients there.

He sat at his desk, still trying to steady his breathing. The first thing that caught his eye was a silhouette of a small picture frame. He turned on the lamp on the corner of the desk, and picked up the little picture of him and Bucky. They looked so happy. Somehow, seeing Bucky caught mid-laugh helped to calm him down.

He wasn’t able to fall back asleep, but it was already six in the morning, so his loss of sleep wasn’t too dramatic.

He tried searching for something to read online to distract himself while he waited for visiting hours. Hope came over and laid at his feet after demanding a few scratches behind the ears.

He only saw one book that interested him. It was titled _The Things They Carried._ He remembered Sam recommending it to him a while back, and so he started reading.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.
> 
> Please leave your reactions below! I want to know x) I'm sorry if I scared some of you... <3


	23. An Artistic Frenzy

Steve showed up to the hospital twenty minutes before visiting hours started. They wouldn’t let him go into the ward until it was time, so he remained in the little waiting room, nervously tapping his leg, until they would.

When he entered, he was extremely relieved to find Bucky standing in the courtyard. He was so thankful that he wanted to grab Bucky in a crushing hug, but he knew that would be uncomfortable for him if he wasn’t expecting it. Steve’s anxiety began to melt away as the two of them sat down on a bench together.

Bucky watched Steve as he began talking.

“Hope misses you,” Steve told him. “I took her to the pet store to get her some toys yesterday. There was a little girl on the bus who had an older sister that lost an arm. Hope was her new hero. I’m sure she would have been really star-struck if you were there,” Steve said, and Bucky had a sad smile on his face.

Bucky seemed to suddenly remember something. He stood up and motioned for Steve to follow him. After leading them to his room, he picked up a book from his bedside table and flipped to a page where a piece of paper suck out. He pulled out the slip of paper and handed it to Steve.

His jaw dropped. Amazing. It was a perfect pen rendering of Steve sitting beside Hope. It was extremely detailed, down to the fur on Hope’s chest. Steve looked at it in amazement for a while before looking back up to Bucky.

“I didn’t… know you could draw, you did this from memory?” he asked, perplexed. Steve had never seen Bucky even pick up a pencil when they were young. Steve was always drawing, and he was alright, but _wow._ Bucky was really, really good.

Bucky just looked at the paper. He flicked his hand towards Steve a little.

“You want me to keep it?”

He nodded.

“Wow, Buck. Thank you so much,” he paused, looking down at the paper again. He squinted and brought it closer to his face. “Aw, Bucky. You forgot something.”

Bucky looked at him confused, and reached for the paper. When Steve handed it back to him, he inspected every centimeter of the drawing, and then he just looked back up at Steve with his eyebrows creasing in the middle.

“Look, I’ll show you, it’s the most important part. I don’t know how you missed it,” Steve reached for the paper again and motioned to the blank space up and to the right of Hope. “You forgot yourself.”

Bucky looked down at the floor just in front of his feet. Steve couldn’t tell if it was just the lighting in the room, but Bucky’s cheeks looked a little rosy for a moment.

“We should draw now!” Steve said. “We can both try drawing the same things, and then in the end we can compare!”

Bucky looked excited about this idea. He smiled and nodded. He scavenged some paper and pencils, and they sat across from each other at a table in the common area.

“What’s the first challenge, Barnes?” Steve asked.

Bucky pointed to a man who was asleep on the couch, and they both started sketching away. After about fifteen minutes, they had both finished. They set the drawings side-by-side in the middle of the table, and examined them together. It was clear that Bucky’s drawing resembled the man more so than Steve’s.  
  
“Yours is based a lot more in realism. I tend to exaggerate the features a little. It’s a part of my style. I think yours looks overall better.” Steve said in an overly-dramatic judge voice. “What do you say, Simon? I say the winner of this round is Bucky Barnes!”

Bucky shook his head and chuckled quietly.

“Again?” Steve asked. They ended up drawing until the end of visiting hours. They drew everything from other patients to the trees outside the window. According to judges Steve and ‘Simon’, Bucky won every round.

Before Steve could leave, Bucky took back the drawing of Steve and Hope. Steve suspected he really was going to add himself in.

* * *

The following day, Steve went on a mission. He visited the nearest bookstore and browsed their collection of journals and sketchbooks. He found a very nice Sketchbook that had a paper cover with no design. He also purchased a nice set of pencils and a Micron pen.

When he got back to his apartment, he sat at his desk and pulled out the sketchbook and pen. He worked for hours on making this drawing perfect, and when he finished, he was pleasantly surprised about how well it had come out.

He couldn’t wait to show Bucky.

* * *

The time since the last visiting hours had passed so quickly. Steve walked into the common room and found Bucky at the table. It felt like he had never even left.

“Bucky, I have something for you!” Steve sat at the table and reached into his bag, pulling out the sketchbook and the pack of nice pencils. On the cover of the book was a drawing that depicted two young men mid-laugh.

“I used a reference. It’s the picture I keep on my desk,” Steve said. “It’s yours to keep and fill with whatever you desire. You don’t even have to show me what you draw inside if you don’t want.”

Bucky took it carefully from his hands and held it as if it was some delicate golden treasure. He smiled at Steve and hugged it to his chest. Less than a moment later, he slid across the piece of paper from last time. It now depicted Steve, Hope, and Bucky too.

“Ah, it looks so much better now!” Steve replied. “I know just where I’ll keep it!”

The visit went by far too quickly, and towards the end, Dr. Baumann came out to inform Steve that Bucky had been cleared for another weekend out.

“I guess I’ll see you Saturday morning, then!” he said to Bucky happily.

* * *

 

Steve woke up to a very excited Hope licking his face.

“Ahhh, Hope!” he complained.

She took a few steps back and started wagging her tail. Her ears were perked up.

“What, kiddo?”

As soon as Steve said the words, she turned and pounced at her frog toy, picking it up and squeaking it excitedly. She even shook it and performed her signature toss of the head.

“Ok, ok we can play a lot today,” Steve said, looking at the clock, “after I pick up Bucky, I’m going to be late!”

He hurriedly brushed his teeth and changed into a pair of jeans and a cotton t-shirt.

“I’ll be right back, girl,” he said to Hope, closing the door behind him.

He ran to the bus stop, and thankfully the bus came within only a few minutes. It was already ten minutes past his scheduled pick up time. Being late made him anxious, but making other people wait made him feel extremely uneasy. This bus dropped off right in front of the hospital, and so all he had to do was wait for the elevator and walk to the psychiatric wing.

Bucky was sitting calmly in the waiting area, and when Steve came through the door, he began apologizing profusely.

“I’m so sorry I’m late, Buck. I didn’t imagine I would sleep in this late.”

Bucky just smiled and shook his head.

Steve and Bucky signed the forms, and since this was the second leave, there were slightly fewer forms to go through. Bucky had his little duffel bag, just like last time. They left the hospital and had to wait about twenty minutes for the next bus to come by.

“I think Hope is really looking forward to seeing you. She was in such a playful mood this morning, like she knew you were coming home or something.” Steve said.

Bucky smiled at him. He was pretty excited to see his dog again too.

“Hey so if you wanted to finish the Hobbit movies, we could always re-watch the second one, since I know you fell asleep last time.” Steve offered.

Bucky shrugged and nodded. The bus picked them up, and they were back to the apartment before they knew it. Hope practically tackled Bucky when he came through the door, and he just smiled and hugged her and played with her for a few minutes. Steve offered to make lunch while Bucky got settled in, and he cooked them two burgers.

They ate and took Hope outside for a little while. When they came back inside, they settled in to watch the second Hobbit movie. Bucky seemed to like it even better than the first one, and afterwards he wanted to start the third one. The two movies alone took up a good portion of the day, and by the time they were over, it was already dark outside.

“I wanted to offer you something,” Steve said. “And if you would rather not go, just say so, but there’s this little bookstore café down the street. Usually it’s not very busy, and it’s easy to find a little space to have all to yourself while you drink tea or coffee and find a book to read. I thought you might like it since you like reading.”

Bucky considered it for a moment before nodding with a smile.

“Are you sure?” Steve asked to make certain.

Bucky nodded again more enthusiastically.

They grabbed their jackets, and Bucky pulled out the ‘I heart DC” ball cap that Steve had given him. They didn’t have to take the bus, since it was fairly close. The cool night air felt so good to Steve, and it seemed to relax Bucky too. He still kept close watch on their surroundings, but his body wasn’t so tense anymore. When they walked through the door, they were greeted by a young lady asking them if they would like any tea or coffee cakes. Steve ordered a green tea, and when he asked Bucky what he wanted, Bucky nodded as if to say _I’ll have that too._ It only took a few minutes for their drinks to come out, and they walked back through the aisles, browsing the shelves. The store was such a cozy place. The walls and floors were made of old wood, and the shelves were stacked from floor to ceiling with old books. The warm lights were dimed slightly, although it was still bright enough to read with ease, and all around there were squishy chairs with floor lamps and tables.

This was Steve’s favorite place to come and sketch during the winter. It always felt so comfortable and relaxing. Steve began pulling out several books, and formed a little stack on a table between two chairs in a corner. Bucky was more hesitant to find a book of interest, and he ended up pulling down just one. Steve didn’t get a glimpse of the cover, but he wasn’t all that curious. The two of them sat and delved into the novels until their tea was gone.

Steve looked up over the top of his book and watched Bucky. He was so concentrated on reading that he didn’t notice. His face was soft and content. Steve remembered back to when he first found Bucky. His face had looked so tired and worn back then. He remembered the dark purple circles under his eyes and the way his eyes were always glossy and sad. The way Bucky looked now was like he had transformed into a whole new person. Steve could think of only one word to describe him. _Beautiful._ He smiled to himself, and looked back down at his own book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to make the chapters a bit longer, so I may not put out as many a day, but who knows!
> 
> Please leave me comments, I miss hearing from ya'll! T-T


	24. The Pain Of The Innocent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made myself cry writing this, so good luck

Bucky slept soundly that night. Steve wasn’t sure if that had been the general trend in the last week, but he was happy for him nonetheless. When they woke in the morning, Bucky looked especially tired. His hair was sticking out in all sorts of directions, and his eyelids were half shut. He sat up in bed and stayed there with his shoulders slumped over. He had been asleep for about nine hours. Steve knew what he needed. He got up and started brewing a pot of coffee for the both of them.

Bucky’s head kept falling forward and then bobbing back up. Steve thought it was incredibly cute how he couldn’t manage to stay awake. When the coffee finished, he poured two cups and added a little sugar to Bucky’s. That was how he used to like it all those years ago. He carried the cup to the bed, and after a little nudge to wake up his friend, he handed it to him. Bucky gave a sleepy nod of his head to say thanks, and began to sip the hot coffee.

Steve sat at the foot of the bed and proceeded to start a conversation.

“How’d you sleep?” He asked.

Bucky tilted his head and shrugged.

“You didn’t wake from any nightmares, that I heard. Have you always been sleeping that well lately?”

Bucky shook his head.

No wonder he was so drowsy. He probably hadn’t gotten more than four hours of sleep in months. Maybe even decades.

Steve let him finish his coffee in silence. He grabbed his laptop and checked his email. Nat was always sending him chain emails about cute animal videos. He always wondered who sent them to her. _Probably Phil,_ he giggled to himself at the thought. He opened the link to one video and watched as a cat furiously batted at a feather toy, falling off of the table in the process.

He went back to his inbox and noticed a new email from Dr. Banner.

_Steve,_

_I hope all is well with Bucky. Thank you again for inviting me out the other night. It gave me the break I’ve been needing. I’m going to be down in your area soon for a meeting about my research. I’m not sure of the date yet, but I’ll let you know asap. Maybe we’ll have a chance to get together again. I would love to stay updated on everything with Hope and Bucky. Plus, I have exciting news too._

_Sincerely,_

_Bruce_

Steve was thrilled, and he wrote a quick reply saying he would love that. He looked up from his computer and saw Bucky, looking slightly more awake now.

“I found this good article on keeping your three-legged dog healthy. I thought you might like to hear about it,” Steve told him.

Bucky nodded his head before setting the cup on the bedside table and leaning over the edge of the bed to scratch Hope’s head.

Steve found the article he had bookmarked, and began reading it aloud. The article covered fairly basic things like watching out for slippery floors, keeping your dog healthy to avoid extra stress on their other limbs, and watching for elbow hygroma.

“It also mentioned that you should try and raise their food bowls, so that’s why I propped them up,” he motioned to Hope’s bowls, which now sat atop a sturdy-looking cardboard box.

Bucky slid out of the bed and to the floor beside Hope. He got her excited, and now she was playfully nipping at his fingers and licking his face. Steve rolled his eyes and sighed jokingly.

 _I never thought I would have kids, and now I have two,_ he thought to himself, _great._

* * *

 

For the day, they hung around the apartment. Bucky pulled out the sketchbook and pencils Steve had given him and began drawing. He didn’t offer for Steve to see, so he didn’t ask. Steve went online and was browsing for music to play.

“Do you ever listen to music?” he asked Bucky.

Bucky shook his head.

“Do you know any music at all?”

Another shake of the head, but this time his eyes were sad.

When they were young, Bucky was always listening to the radio and asking girls to dance when they were in public. It made Steve sad that he had been deprived of something he loved for so long. It wasn’t just music either. _Everything_ had been taken from him. Steve tried to stop thinking about it. He wanted today to be a happy day.

“I’m going to put music on. If you hear a song you like, let me know, and I’ll keep choosing music like that. The songs that you like I’ll add to a playlist for you!”

Steve began playing songs. He really didn’t know what type of music Bucky would like nowadays. He tried music of all kinds: disco, heavy metal, rock, country, and pop. None of these seemed of particular interest to Bucky, and he just kept sketching away as each song played. Did he lose his passion for music altogether? Steve started getting into less common types of music. He tried techno, house, dubstep. Bucky cringed and violently shook his head when Steve tried putting on a screamo song.  Next he tried R&B, which Bucky looked up at.

“Do you like this?”

Bucky gave a more hopeful shrug.

“Should I add it to your playlist?” Steve asked.

He thought for a minute and then shook his head.

Steve went back to searching. Finally, after few hours, Bucky caught Steve’s attention and started nodding at the song that was playing. This caught Steve a little off-guard. By this time, he had stopped fully paying attention to what songs he was choosing, and he had half-expected to discover that Bucky hated music in general.

The song Bucky liked was a piano composition.

“You like this? Do you want me to start a playlist of piano music?” Steve asked.

Bucky nodded quickly with a smile.

At first, Steve was a little shocked at this preference, but after some thought, it made perfect sense. It probably helped him relax. It also contained a lot of emotion, and it probably helped Bucky to feel less soldier-like and more like a man capable of expressing emotion.

They went through about twenty more songs, and Bucky wanted all of them added to his playlist. He was getting very enthusiastic about it, and that made Steve happy. Bucky was finally starting to find things he loved again: a dog, reading, drawing, and music. He wasn’t the Bucky that Steve used to know, but he was starting to become a new, even better person with independent thoughts and feelings. All of these things he had been denied the right to while he was being tortured and used, but now he was getting his life back again.

* * *

Despite not doing much, it was a really great day. Steve knew that this was probably what Bucky enjoyed most: a quiet and relaxing day in with a friend. Steve had started boiling some water to make tea, when Bucky stood and looked out the window. The music was still playing in the background, and the sunlight was fading away.

“Would you like some tea? I have black or green,” Steve asked Bucky.

Bucky nodded vacantly without turning to look at Steve.

“Is everything alright, pal?” He asked, starting to walk towards his friend. When he was halfway across the room, Bucky turned. His eyes looked a little watery, but he smiled and nodded.

“Ok,” he replied with a hint of doubt. He couldn’t tell if his friend was brought to the edge of tears because of happiness or sadness. “I’m having black tea, is that ok with you too?”

He nodded, this time looking more aware. He walked over slowly and sat on the couch.

After the tea had finished brewing, Steve brought him his mug and sat down on beside him. He noticed Bucky’s hands were shaking slightly.

“Bucky, you would be honest with me if you weren’t feeling ok, right?” Steve asked in a quiet and concerned voice.

Bucky didn’t reply, he just lowered his head. His shoulders began shaking along with his whole body.

“Oh, Buck” Steve set down his tea and reached down, gently taking Bucky’s mug from his hands and setting it out of the way. Bucky’s hands went to his face, and he started to cry. Steve placed one had on his back, and the other on one of Bucky’s forearms. He wanted to let Bucky know he was there, and since this didn’t seem like a panic attack, he figured that touch wouldn’t startle him. Steve slowly rubbed his back and talked in a slow, calm voice.

“I’m right here, Bucky. It’s gonna be ok. Just let it out, I’ll be here as long as you need.”

Bucky cried quietly, but his body continued to shake. Steve wondered if he should try hugging him. He scooped one arm around his abdomen and tried to gently tug Bucky in his direction. Bucky slumped sideways into Steve’s chest, his hands still covering his face. Steve just wrapped his arms around his shoulders and held him.

“I know, Buck, I know,” he said.

Bucky slowly pulled himself upright and pointed across the room. Before Steve could ask, he stood and grabbed the journal off of the bedside table. When he brought it back, he handed it to Steve.

“Bucky, you want me to look at your drawings?”

Bucky stared at the ground and nodded.

Steve slowly opened the cover and looked at the first page. It was an extremely detailed drawing of an older man. Steve hadn’t even seen very many professional drawings that were this detailed. He could see the creases in the skin and the pores on his cheeks. He flipped the page to find another similar drawing, this time of a woman. It was equally as detailed. He flipped the page again, and then again. On every page, there was a drawing of a different person. They were all of the same orientation: straight forward. Steve saw a picture of a young girl, maybe twelve years old. The next page made Steve’s stomach twist. He knew this woman. This was Tony Stark’s mother. He finally understood, and he wanted to throw up. The drawings continued until the very last page of the sketchbook.

Steve stared past the book at the floor, but he wasn’t really seeing. He opened his mouth but no words came out. There was a long silence.

“Are these all people you’ve killed, Bucky?”

More silence.

He looked up at his friend to see that tears soaked his cheeks and stained his shirt. Bucky was staring at the ground still, but his eyes looked glossy. Steve had been given a glimpse of what Bucky had to go through every day, and still, he felt further than ever from understanding the level of pain Bucky suffered. He remembered everyone. Every single person that he was forced to kill. Not only did he remember them, but he memorized every detail of their faces. Even while he killed them as the brainwashed Winter Soldier, there must have been some part inside of him that felt the overwhelming pain and guilt.

Steve felt sick. How could one man bear all of this? Why should one man _have_ to bear it? It was so unfair. It was so cruel. It was sickening. Steve had never wanted to kill anyone, but in this moment, he wanted to do worse things than kill the men that did this to Bucky. His head was spinning.

 _Keep it together, Steve._ He took several deep breaths. Bucky’s head was hanging low as he stood in front of Steve. Tears were splashing to the ground. Steve stood to face Bucky and embraced him. He hugged him so tight that he was afraid of preventing him from breathing. He held him there for so long.

“That wasn’t you, Bucky. It wasn’t your fault. Do you hear me? It wasn’t you. Please don’t blame yourself for the crimes of the wicked.” Steve said through his own tears.

He pulled away for a moment and held Bucky’s face in his hands. Bucky looked up and made eye contact. His eyes were swollen and pained. Steve choked on his tears, but tried to continue.

“You are Bucky Barnes. You are my best friend. You are worth so much more to me than your story. I lo-“ he couldn’t continue. His sobs were making it impossible to speak clearly.

He took a very deep shaking breath to try and get one last sentence out, “I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry to do this to ya'll...
> 
> I'm so emotional about Bucky Barnes
> 
> Pleaaaase leave comments, without them I don't know if you guys like the story or not.


	25. Even The Best Of Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *gross sobbing*
> 
> Seriously though, thank you to everyone who is still reading on and keeping up with this story! Some days it's hard to write, but all your love and comments and reactions make it worth it to keep going. I want to hug all of you beautiful humans.

Bucky looked back at him. Steve couldn’t make out what Bucky was feeling from his facial expression.

Bucky opened his mouth a little, and after a moment he closed it again. Then, looking defeated, he embraced Steve once more. He was still crying, and Steve held him tight. After a long while, Bucky pulled away. His eyes looked puffy and tired.

“Would you like to rest, Bucky?” Steve asked gently.

Bucky gave a very tiny nod. He laid down in Steve’s bed, still wearing his day clothes. Steve picked up a book to read, but noticed Bucky motioning him over. He pulled out his desk chair and set it beside the bed. Bucky reached out towards him. Steve wasn’t sure what he was doing at first, but after a moment, he reached up and laced his fingers with Bucky’s. Bucky pulled their hands towards his face and rested his cheek against them.

Steve smiled and flipped his book open to where he left off.

* * *

Steve woke in the morning before Bucky. His neck and back were stiff from sleeping in the chair. Bucky’s face looked so peaceful the way he slept. Steve memorized his face and the way a few small strands of hair fell over it.

Bucky opened his eyes slowly when he woke up. The sadness from yesterday had not left them, and that made Steve worry. His eyes looked almost vacant now. He didn’t try to sit up or look up at Steve or even move.

“Bucky?” Steve asked. His voice was rough and quiet.

Bucky didn’t give any signs of response. Steve’s heart sank.

Hope stood from her bed at the sound of Steve’s voice. She walked around the bed, and gave a small whine at Bucky. He didn’t even seem to hear it.

Steve wasn’t sure what to do. He reached his hand out for Bucky to take hold of, but he still didn’t move.

“Buck…” his voice broke a little. He was getting scared. Was this back to square one again? He was trying to choke back the tears, but it wasn’t working. He leaned forward and pressed his face into the mattress beside his friend. After a moment, he felt a hand on his head. He looked up, and Bucky’s metal hand glided from his hair, down the side of his face. The cool metal fingertips stroked his cheek. Bucky was looking at Steve’s face, but not into his eyes. As he did this, he opened his mouth a little, just like the day before. Time was passing in slow motion, and Steve’s heart was beating in his throat.

“I love you too.”

The four words came out so quietly that they were barely audible. Steve was paralyzed with shock. However, he didn’t feel happy or warm, like he should’ve after hearing those words. Bucky’s voice was scratchy after not being used for lord knows how long, but there was something in it that scared Steve even more than if he had stayed quiet entirely.

There was a tone in Bucky’s voice that said _goodbye._

Bucky wasn’t waiting eagerly for Steve’s reaction, and Steve could tell by his face that he wouldn’t be speaking again. Bucky’s expression remained vacant, his eyes became unfocused, and his metal hand fell to the bed again.

“Buck…” Steve repeated with growing pain in his voice. His heart was racing. He knew Bucky needed help. He needed to get him back to the hospital now. Although Bucky’s body was practically lifeless, Steve had a very bad feeling that he was about to do something entirely stupid.

He grabbed his cellphone and quickly dialed Natasha’s number. He didn’t even give her time to say hello when he heard her pick up.

“Nat, please. _Please_. We need a ride to the hospital right now.”

Nat heard the fear in Steve’s voice and didn’t even have to ask.

“I’ll be there in ten,” she said. She sounded like she had just woken up, but she understood that something was very wrong.

“Bucky. Pal. Please. Nat is going to take us to the hospital. I don’t know what’s going on in your mind right now, but it’s going to be ok,” Steve’s voice was shaking.

Bucky got out of the bed very slowly. Steve gathered his things and shoved them into the duffel bag.

“C’mon Buck,” he said, grabbing ahold of Bucky’s arm and leading him to the door.

They made it down the stairs and out the door. Nat was at the curb within seconds of them walking outside. Steve sat in the backseat with Bucky. Natasha didn’t ask any questions, and when they got to the hospital, Steve walked with Bucky back up to the psychiatric ward. He signed Bucky back in, and Steve asked the woman at the desk if Dr. Baumann was in, saying it was urgent. She waked them to his office, and the doctor greeted them with a smile that quickly turned to a look of concern when he saw the state of them.

Steve realized now just how bad they looked. Bucky’s hair was ratted, and his eyes were still swollen from the previous night. Steve could feel bags under his own eyes, and his shirt was wrinkled and sweaty from his nervous state.

“Bucky, I’m going to have you go with Laudia for a while. She’s going to perform a wellness check.” He called in a nurse to escort Bucky to another room. Steve became even more anxious when Bucky was taken from his sight.

“Sir,” he turned back to the doctor, speaking quickly, “please be careful with him. I’m so scared.”

“Son, relax.” Baumann said in a calm voice. “Tell me what happened.”

“Bucky had a bit of a rough night. Usually he can shake it off by morning, but he woke up completely unresponsive, sir. I’m afraid for him.”

“Nightmares?”

“No,” Steve said. He felt like he would somehow be betraying Bucky if he told the doctor everything from the previous night. “I haven’t seen him like this in weeks. What if he tries to kill himself again?”

Steve started to choke on his own words.

“Steve,” Baumann’s voice was so calm. How could he be calm right now? Was he not even slightly concerned? He repeated himself, “Steve, listen to me. Look at me.”

Steve looked up with tears in his eyes.

“Everyone has bad days, Steve. And some bad days are a whole lot worse than others.”

That made Steve both furious and relieved at the same time. Why couldn’t he focus? His head was buzzing. Did the doctor seriously just dismiss this as a ‘bad day’? But what if Steve was overreacting? Maybe this was just a bad day. Ahhh Steve couldn’t think straight. Everything was spinning. He heard the doctor’s voice growing more and more distant.

“Steve, breathe. Steve?”

Steve stood from his chair and immediately the floor was pulled from underneath him. He felt a horrible pain, and everything went dark.

When Steve came to, he was on the floor with Baumann and a nurse standing over him.

“Nice of you to join us again, Steve. Here, put this on your head.” He said, handing Steve a small bag of ice.

Steve touched the bag to the spot at the corner of his eyebrow where he felt a huge welt forming. He winced at the pain.

“What happened to me?” Steve asked.

“You were panicking and hyperventilating. When you hyperventilate and stand up too quickly, you can pass out. You hit your head on my desk on the way down. Just be glad you won’t need stitches.”

Steve sat up. He felt noticeably calmer, and he turned to the doctor, “Bucky.”

“He’s going to be fine, Steve. Your emotions were causing you to read too much into his actions. It happens to the best of us. But you need to recognize that he will be fine. We performed a wellness check, and he’s only having a bad day. Bad days are just as big of a part of recovery as good days are. It’s normal.”

Now that Steve looked back on the situation, he realized that the doctor was right. Bucky’s actions really weren’t that dramatic.

_Wait!_

“Doctor! Bucky spoke to me this morning,” Steve blurted out.

Dr. Baumann looked at Steve with shock on his face, “What? What did he say?”

Steve turned beet red. He didn’t think this through…

“He just said… ‘I love you too,’” Steve wanted to hide under a rock, he was so embarrassed.

“Ah,” Baumann smiled a little, “this explains a lot.”

Steve wished he could stop blushing on command, but it wasn’t that simple

“Thank you for sharing that with me, Steve. We’re going to have you fill out the survey on Bucky’s attitude over the weekend. It’s the same one you took last Monday. After that you are free to go,” he said with a smile. “Just remember Bucky is ok, and he’s safe here with us, so try to relax, alright?”

Steve nodded.

As he took the survey, he tried to answer as honestly as possible, not letting his emotions cloud the truth. He can’t believe he let his feelings freak him out so much earlier that day. Dr. Baumann’s statement ‘ _this explains a lot’_ triggered a realization for Steve. Now that he was so aware of his love for Bucky, all of his worry was exponentially multiplied. He should have recognized this earlier. At least he knew now that Bucky was going to be ok.

* * *

Now that he wasn't busy panicking, he had time to process what had happened that morning. Bucky spoke to him. Not only did he speak, but he said the words that Steve had wanted so desperately to hear. Unbelievable. Steve's stomach twisted with excitement as he walked back out to Nat's car. She asked him if everything was ok and offered for him to go over to her house for the day. He told her they could talk everything out when they got there. She didn't ask him any more questions on the way home, and he was glad to have the time to keep organizing all of the prior events in his head. He just wanted to sort out the truth from his overreactions, and so he went through the whole morning, bit by bit, trying to see everything as it had really happened.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DAMNIT I'M SORRY FOR SO MUCH SAD. HAPPY TIMES ARE COMING SOON I PROMISE PROMISE.
> 
> Please leave me comments cause I'm sad and if we're all sad together, it'll be easier.
> 
> (In all honesty this chapter was kind of a shitstorm, but the next chapters will be better ok)
> 
> Hang in there.


	26. Friends All Around

When Steve went back out to the parking lot, he saw that Natasha had been waiting for him in her car. After he got in and closed the door, she turned sideways in her seat towards him.

“Is everything ok?” she asked with concern in her voice.

“Yeah,” Steve replied. “It is now, at least. It’s a long story, and basically I just misjudged the whole situation and made everything worse.”

“But you’re sure you’re ok?”

“Yeah. I talked to Bucky’s doctor, and I feel much better now,” Steve said.

Natasha gave Steve a suspicious look, but she turned towards the wheel and started the car.

“How about you come over for the day? We can order pizza and watch Disney movies!” she said in an excited voice.

“That doesn’t sound half bad,” Steve replied. “I need to check on Hope first, though.”

“She can come over too!” said Nat.

* * *

Steve walked Hope in through Natasha’s front door. Her place was pretty tidy, as usual. He sat on the couch as she offered to brew some coffee. When She brought out two cups for the both of them, Hope wiggled with excitement, thinking it was something for her. Nat bent down to give Hope a bunch of scratches and love, and Hope was happy as a dog could be.

Steve sipped his coffee, as Nat sat down next to him, immediately pulling her feet up into his lap. That was the great thing about Nat. She was the one friend that Steve felt entirely comfortable with. They had only known each other for a few years, but it felt like they were childhood friends.

She offered to talk about what had happened with Bucky if he needed, but he knew she wasn’t pressuring him. He decided it would be best to just enjoy the time with Nat instead of dwelling on the previous night.

After several friendly debates over which Disney movie was best, Nat finally got her way, and put on Mulan. Steve secretly loved Mulan, but knowing that Nat would win the choice anyways, he argued that they should watch The Lion King. At least Nat had promised they could watch that next. Her enthusiasm about Disney movies always put Steve in a better mood. She always sang along to all the songs, even though she never quite knew all the words. About ten minutes into the movie, she pulled out two fairly large blankets and handed one to Steve. It felt like they were twelve again, but Steve didn’t care. He enjoyed the time thoroughly.

After Mulan, they took Hope outside to play with her. Hope’s spirit had brightened so much since the first day in the kennel. She was generally much more excited about life, and she was always bouncing around playfully. She reminded Steve of Bucky. Despite this morning, Bucky was making incredible progress in his recovery. Steve felt proud, and he smiled to himself as he sat on the steps by the door. He laughed as he watched Natasha pretend to fall to the grass when Hope ‘tackled’ her.

It was a really nice day, despite being a bit chilly. Fall was starting to move into winter, and although Steve did prefer sunny weather, winter was a change up that he could appreciate.

After the short break, they watched The Lion King. Steve enjoyed it even more than Mulan, and after it was over he jokingly asked if they could watch it again. Nat laughed and got up to go retrieve Luna.

While she was gone, Steve got a sudden urge to tell her about Bucky speaking. The problem was that she would want to know what he said. Steve wasn’t sure if he was ready for anyone but Bruce to be aware of his love for Bucky. It was almost as if Bruce had read his mind from miles away, because Steve’s phone rang, and ‘Dr. Banner’ flashed across the screen.

He picked up, “hello?”

“Hey Steve, it’s Bruce. I’m sorry this is such short notice, but my meeting got bumped forward, and so I’m going to be down in your area on Thursday,” Bruce talked quickly but calmly.

“Oh, ok,” Steve said, “were you still wanting to meet up?”

“Yeah, the meeting is in the afternoon, but my whole evening is free, starting at five.”

“That’s perfect! I’ll figure out a good place to meet, and I’ll text you the location. Sound good?” Steve asked.

“Yeah. Again, I’m sorry for the short notice.”

“No, no. Don’t worry about it.”

They said their goodbyes, and Steve hung up.

“Who was that?” Natasha said, carrying Luna to the couch.

Steve told her that Bruce and him had recently become closer friends. Natasha seemed very happy about this, as her and Banner got along pretty well too.

“He’s a nice guy,” Steve said, and Natasha agreed.

Nat pet Luna and talked to her like she was just another person. Hope was asleep at Steve’s feet, so Natasha wasn’t too worried about having Luna in her lap. Steve didn’t think that Hope would be the type to go after Luna anyways, but then again, he had no proof of that yet.

Steve was incredibly grateful that Banner had called when he did. Knowing that he would be able to talk to him about Bucky soon took away the urge to tell Nat. Not that he was keeping secrets, but he didn’t feel ready to tell her yet. He didn’t feel ready to tell _anyone_ yet. Plus, now that he had a better understanding of Bucky’s feelings too, he felt that he would be betraying Bucky’s trust if he went around blabbing to everyone about what he said.

The rest of the day was well spent relaxing and eating pizza.

* * *

When Tuesday morning rolled around, Steve got himself put together to be ready for visiting hours. When he got to the hospital a few minutes too early, he went across the street and bought two teas. He then signed himself in and found Bucky at a table in the common room. Bucky looked noticeably better than yesterday, and Steve hoped he was feeling better too.

The first good sign was that Bucky looked up and gave Steve a smile when he approached. The smile was tired, but Steve knew he was probably exhausted after yesterday. He handed him one of the cups of tea, and Bucky’s gestured to say ‘thank you’.

Steve was grateful that Bucky had spoken those few words to him the previous day, but he didn’t expect his friend to be speaking again, at least for a long while. He just wanted Bucky to open up at his own pace, and even if he never spoke again, Steve wouldn’t love him any less.

Bucky took a few drinks of his tea, and Steve observed his face. He was truly handsome. Whenever Steve looked at Bucky, he felt the need to protect him. It was clear that Bucky wasn’t the type who needed protection, but Steve just wished he could stand between Bucky and every bad thought, feeling, or memory that Bucky had to endure. It hurt to see Bucky suffer the way he did.

“Do you like this tea? It’s chai.” Steve asked.

Bucky nodded pretty enthusiastically, given how tired he was.

“I got it from a little place across the street called Teatopia. I think you’d like their other drinks too!”

Bucky smiled. Steve asked him if he preferred coffee or tea. He shrugged, looking very conflicted, but finally pointed to the tea he was holding. Steve had a slight preference for tea too, but he liked coffee a lot as well. Steve had grabbed a couple napkins with the tea, and they now sat on the table. When a nurse passed by, Bucky motioned to her and made a gesture that Steve didn’t understand. She must have, though, because she pulled a pen from her pocket and handed it to him. Bucky began drawing on one of the napkins. It was hard to make out the drawing at first, especially since Steve was viewing it upside-down. As he drew, Steve started chatting.

“Natasha and I watched a few movies yesterday. I spent pretty much the whole day at her house. Man, I can’t believe how much I miss that stupid bunny. I spent one day holding it when I first adopted her for Nat, and now I actually miss the fluffball.”

Steve talked and talked, mostly about the movies. When Bucky admitted he had never heard of Disney movies, Steve tried to explain the plots of The Lion King and Mulan. Bucky seemed really interested in hearing about them, even though Steve was horrible at describing the plots efficiently.

Bucky’s drawing was finally finished, and it was a picture of a dragon. It was very good and detailed, but Steve wasn’t surprised one bit about the quality.

“Is that Smaug from The Hobbit?” Steve asked in wonder.

Bucky nodded with a smile.

“Holy cow, Bucky, you’re so good! It amazes me every time.”

Bucky took the napkin back and added a little signature in the corner.

“Ah, ze artist’s signature,” Steve joked in a hilariously poor accent.

Bucky chuckled, and then they sat there for a moment in silence. Bucky was smiling and looking down at the napkin. He reached his hand out across the table, and Steve understood. Steve took hold of it, and Bucky rubbed his thumb over Steve’s knuckles. His hand was so warm, and his touch was soft. Whenever they touched, Bucky was always extremely gentle. It was hard to describe, but even if he grabbed Steve in a crushing hug, there was something about it that still felt tender, like Steve was some precious and delicate object to be handled with care.

They stayed that way for a while, and after a bit, Steve started talking again.

“I hope you’re feeling a bit better today. You seem to be, but I don’t want to assume your feelings.” Steve said in a warm tone.

Bucky nodded and smiled, raising his eyes to meet Steve’s. He gave Steve’s had a gentle squeeze, and then pulled away slowly as Dr. Baumann approached.

“Good morning, Steve. Bucky,” he said cheerfully, stopping by their table.

“Hello, sir,” Steve replied with a polite smile.

“I hope you gentlemen are having a nice day. Bucky, you look better today. That’s good.” Something in the doctor’s voice was overly cheesy, like a father’s voice when he was talking to his daughter’s new boyfriend. _Great,_ Steve thought to himself with a hint of humor.

Baumann was gone as quickly as he had arrived, and Bucky looked a little embarrassed, but he was still smiling.

The visit ended, but it had been a wonderful time. Steve felt so relieved that Bucky was having a better day today, and he headed home in a cheerful mood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter made me so happy to write :3 A little fluffy relief after all the pain of the last few chapters was much needed!
> 
> Leave me some comments! They keep me alive lol.


	27. The Hardest Part Is Letting Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love all of you who leave me such sweet comments <3 Ya'll are so great and wonderful.
> 
> I've been writing way ahead, because in a week I'm gonna be traveling for my best friend's wedding, and I still gotta somehow get a chapter up a day. So I've literally been stocking up chapters to put out on the days when I don't have time to write. Lemme tell ya the story gets real good. It's taking a lot of self control to not just publish all of the chapters now, because I can't wait to share x)

The next day, Steve and Sam decided to meet up in the park. Steve brought Hope along, so they couldn’t run, but they still walked along the sidewalk that circled the grass. Steve didn’t divulge a lot of information, but he updated Sam on Bucky’s well-being. Sam talked about his new Falcon suit. Along with the repairs, it came with new improvements to help stabilize his flight in more extreme conditions, and it also came with a little droid that he named Redwing. Sam seemed especially happy with the droid. He claimed it was the best update on his suit yet. Steve smiled at his enthusiasm. Hope seemed to be wearing out quickly due to all the hopping and extra stress on only three legs. Steve stepped off into the grass to let her rest.

Just then, there was a loud honking, and a very, _very_ expensive car rolled up to the curb.

“I thought I saw the red, white, and blue fireworks when I got to town.”

The voice belonged to none other than Tony Stark. He stepped out of his car and walked towards them.

“Good morning Cap,” he said before turning to Sam, “and hello to you too…” he motioned as if he was about to remember Sam’s name, but then just gave a quick smile and turned back to Steve.

“What brings you through town?” Steve asked. It was a bit odd for Tony to show up out of nowhere.

“I like showing up unexpectedly and ruining people’s days. It gives me joy,” he said.

Steve made a face and didn’t really know what to say, but when he opened his mouth, Tony continued talking.

“No, actually, I was headed to Natasha’s place. I needed to talk to her about a possi- Since when did you get a dog?” Tony was all over the place, as usual.

Steve turned to Hope, “oh, a few weeks ago I adopted her.”   
  
“She’s not gonna eat birdboy, over here, is she?” Tony asked. Coming from anyone else, Tony’s conversation might have seemed rude, but to Sam and Steve, this was just a normal chat with him.

Sam smiled, “By the way, thanks for the suggestions on my new suit, Tony.”

“Sure thing. See Steve? Even he has a pet droid now.” Tony was still trying to avoid using Sam’s name. “What’s the dog’s name anyways? Please tell me it’s not Lucky.”

“It’s Hope, actually,” Sam informed him.

Tony snorted, “No disrespect, but was she named that before or after she-“

He was cut off by a stray frisbee flying at him. He ducked quickly, and when he resumed talking, he started a new thought completely.

“Can I look?” He asked Steve, pointing to Hope.

Steve shrugged, and Tony dropped to a squat beside the dog. He looked a little nervous and said “easy there, beastie” before leaning in to examine the shoulder. He pulled out something resembling a phone and scanned it.

“Man, the dog is so clam, no wonder she’s so great for Bucky, ” Sam said, immediately realizing his mistake.

Tony’s head turned and Steve’s stomach twisted.

“Did he just say- did you find Barnes?” Tony asked.

Steve nodded.

“Aw, guys I feel so left out,” he whined. “How long ago?”

“Only a few weeks,” Steve answered. He was waiting for Tony to get angry or make a statement about how Bucky is dangerous and should be locked up, but it never came.

Tony shrugged, “hmm, Natasha made it sound like it was longer ago.”

“Wait what?” Steve was confused. Why was he acting like he didn’t know if he did know, and why the hell would Natasha have told him that?

“Please don’t be mad at Natasha. She let it slip to me at the party, and then I practically dragged the rest out of her. The only reason she told me anything more was to make sure I wouldn’t try to kill the guy. Which,” he pointed at Steve, “you should be grateful for, because had she not talked me down, I probably would have gone after the son-of-a-bitch right there and then. But she told me a few… things… to change my mind about the fella.”

Steve had been furious at first, but after thinking it through, it was probably for the best that Nat told Tony. Had Steve tried to explain it to him, he would’ve just claimed that Steve was blind to the danger because of emotion.

“So you’re going to leave him be, just like that?” Steve asked.

“Look, Steve, I’m… ok I’m not always an honest man, but I’m trying to be right now. The bastard killed my mom, and yes, I’m pissed, and yes I think he’s dangerous. But the world doesn’t _always_ revolve around me,” he paused, “well it does ninety-nine percent of the time. However, Nat spent a lot of time convincing me that the Winter Soldier was the threat, not Bucky. I’m doing the best I can to set aside my opinions, ok? It’s an agree-to-disagree type of situation, and if you can deal with that, then so can I.”

Steve couldn’t believe his ears. Tony was actually setting aside his ego. He still didn’t admit he was wrong, but it was good enough for Steve.

“Tony, thank you.”

Tony pretended he didn’t hear that.

“You said this was Barnes’s dog?” he asked casually.

Sam nodded.

“Okie dokie,” he replied in a humorous tone before turning back to Steve, “Please don’t give me some speech about how you’re proud of my efforts to make peace, blah blah blah, but I have some ideas for the rodent, uh, dog.” Tony was trying to hide it, but he looked really excited to have a new project to work on.

They exchanged a few more words before Tony got back in his car and sped away.

“That dude is… wow.” Sam said.

“You get used to it,” Steve replied.

* * *

 

The next day, Steve walked into the common area to find Bucky asleep on one of the horrid green couches. The couch was only two cushions wide, so Bucky had to curl up a bit to fit. His right hand was under his head, and his metal arm was tucked into his chest. Steve blushed a little at how cute he thought he looked.

“Bucky,” he said quietly.

Bucky opened his eyes, and when he saw Steve, he sat up, yawning.

“You tired today, pal?”

Bucky nodded slowly. Now that he was awake, he looked a little rough. His eyes were puffy and there were dark circles underneath them.

“Hey, is everything ok?”

Bucky shrugged, but he definitely didn’t look as cheerful as he usually did when Steve came for visits.

“Do you need to…” Steve realized that asking if he wanted to talk about it wasn’t the most brilliantly helpful question. “Do you need to share anything? Or do you just need a hug or some tea? I could even let you get back to rest if you’d like.” Steve offered.

Bucky shook his head and motioned for Steve to follow him into his room. When they got there, Bucky turned on the light and sat on his bed. Steve looked up. The room had changed a lot since he had last been inside. There were drawings of all sizes taped to the walls.

More drawings of people.

Some of them were of the same people he had seen in Bucky’s sketchbook. Others were of new people. The new ones were mostly male, and some of them appeared in multiple drawings. Some of the drawings had exaggerated features, and some featured the men with angry facial expressions.

Steve wasn’t sure what to say. He had a lot of questions, but he wanted to ask them in a way that wouldn’t upset Bucky or trigger another panic attack. When Steve looked back down at Bucky, he saw that he had been focusing on Steve, maybe waiting for a reaction.

“Has Dr. Baumann seen these?” Steve asked.

Bucky nodded his head, looking ashamed.

“Does the doctor know who they are? Did you help him understand?”

He shook his head.

Steve walked to the wall and pointed to one of the new men that seemed to appear the most. He wasn’t sure if he should do this, but he figured Bucky had kept the truth from his therapist because he trusted Steve more. He wouldn’t have shown Steve if he didn’t want him to know.

“It this one of the men you killed?” Steve asked.

Bucky hesitated and the color drained from his face. He shook his head. Steve began wonder if these men were who he thought they were.

“Bucky… Is this man one of the the ones who hurt you?” Steve was almost afraid to know the answer.

He lowered his head and didn’t respond.

“Bucky, you need to help me understand. I assume that’s why you brought me in here. Is this one of the men who hurt you?”

Bucky nodded very slowly. Steve looked at his friend. So much pain. _No,_ was all he thought. It was quite impulsive, but suddenly, Steve was ripping down all of the drawings of the new men. He left the ones he recognized from the sketchbook.

Bucky looked up in terror and shock, but Steve kept violently ripping them down, one after another. He stacked them all into a messy pile in his hands, and then he spun around to Bucky. He shoved the pile of about fifteen papers towards his friend and held them out.

“Take them, Bucky. Tear them up. Throw them. Step on them. Do whatever you want, and be as violent as you need.”

Bucky was frozen for a split second, but then his face turned from fear to anger. He snatched the papers out of Steve’s hands and began shredding them apart. He did it very dramatically, throwing the tiny slivers into the air and chucking them in every direction.

“That’s it, Bucky. Just like that, keep going!” Steve encouraged him.

Bucky began hollering as he ground them into the floor with his feet and ripped the pieces into smaller and smaller scraps with his hands. Steve hadn’t seen Bucky express this much emotion since they were little. The nurses came to the door, but Steve argued with them, insisting that they let him keep going. When Dr. Baumann was summoned, he saw the spectacle and smiled a little, asking the nurses to leave. He himself just stood in the doorway and told Steve to carry on.

Bucky continued in his mad fit until the pieces of the drawings were too damaged to even recognize. When all the tiny torn papers settled to the ground, he fell to his knees amongst them, sobbing. It wasn’t a sad sob or a happy sob or even an angry sob. Steve approached him slowly and bent down to put a hand on his shaking shoulder. Immediately, Bucky spun and threw his arms around Steve’s neck. He was crying loudly now, and Steve just sank to his knees as well to hug Bucky back. He hugged him until he stopped crying, and then he pulled away and helped Bucky to his feet again.

“Is there anything you would like to do with the others?” Steve asked, motioning to the rest of the drawings.

Bucky walked to the wall and carefully peeled one of them down. He continued doing this with the others, handling each one with care. After he had them all in a neat little stack, he brought them and handed them to Steve. He made a motion that looked like striking a match.

“Would you like to burn them?” Steve asked.

Bucky nodded with a sad smile.

“Do you want to burn the sketchbook too?”

Bucky thought for a moment before retrieving the book from his drawer. He carefully tore the cover from the rest of the book, and set the cover carefully on his bedside table.

“Doctor,” Steve said, turning to Baumann, “permission to go outside and burn these papers, sir?”

Dr. Baumann found a small box of emergency matches in his office, and escorted Steve and Bucky down the stairwell and out to a little courtyard that he said was for staff, but was barely used after they added on a nicer area a few years back.

He handed Bucky the match box, and he pulled out one match stick. Steve set the papers on the ground so Bucky could do what he wanted. He struck the match and touched it to the stack of drawings. They burned slowly, and as they did, Bucky watched the smoke rise to the sky and disappear. The longer he watched this, the more his face transformed until it was a small smile.

All of the souls of the victims captured in his drawings were free now. And with them, Bucky was a victim set free as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If your heart hurts and you know it, clap your hands!
> 
> Haha talk to meeeeee! <3


	28. Love Is Pain

“Don’t expect this to mean that Bucky will automatically be ok,” Dr. Baumann told Steve in the waiting room before he could leave. “Bad days still exist, and at times he will still feel trapped by his memories and experiences. He may still be plagued with nightmares and spells of panic. This was only one more step on the long path to recovery.”

Steve looked to the floor.

“In saying that,” the doctor continued, “It was a very large step, and for that, I thank you.”

“None of that was me, doctor. It was all Bucky,” Steve said.

“Bucky showed incredible strength today, but thank you for giving him the support and helping him find the courage to face his fears.”

Steve nodded and tried to hold back a tear.

“Now go on, son. Remember Bucky’s pick up time is Saturday morning,” Baumann said cheerfully.

“How could I forget?” Steve said smiling before he turned to leave.

* * *

 

Steve had spent a long while playing with Hope, but soon he had to get ready for dinner with Banner. Yesterday he decided on going to a quiet little place with really good Italian food. He texted Bruce the location as he had promised, and they were set to meet at six o’clock.

When the time came, Steve got on his motorcycle and headed to the restaurant. It was only about a ten-minute ride from his apartment.

Banner beat him there this time, and Steve joined him at the table. They made small talk while the waitress took their orders, and finally Bruce asked about Bucky. Steve told him about all of the recent events including the good weekend, his overreaction, and the drawings. He left out the ‘I love you’s’ until the Bruce was caught up.

“That sounds like a really intense two weeks,” Bruce admitted.

“Well, I haven’t even told you everything yet,” Steve replied.

Bruce raised his eyebrows and leaned in.

Steve continued, “You know how I told you about the night were he let me see his sketchbook?”

Bruce nodded.

“Well in the midst of trying to assure him that he was worth more than his story, I kind of told him I loved him.”

Bruce looked shocked. He looked like he wanted to ask a lot of questions, but he was speechless.

“He didn’t do anything at first, but after a while he fell asleep and he wanted me to sit by the bed and hold his hand while he slept. The next morning when he woke up was when he was completely unresponsive. After a while though, he spoke, Bruce. He spoke to me. He said ‘I love you too’. He hasn’t spoken again since, but he said it.”

Bruce looked even more in shock now. He looked excited and amazed and confused and saddened all at the same time.

“That’s good, right? You’re happy about that?” he asked Steve, not wanting to react the wrong way.

“At first, I thought his voice sounded so… final. That’s why I panicked. But I realized afterward that it was just me overreacting. Now though, I’m really really happy to know it’s mutual.”

Bruce’s face relaxed into a smile, “that’s great to hear, Steve. I’m so happy this worked out in your favor.”

After talking for a while longer, their food came.

“Tony told me he’s making a prototype for Hope’s prosthetic leg,” said Bruce before taking a bite of lasagna.

“When did you talk to Tony?” Steve looked a little confused.

“Well after he talked to Natasha yesterday, we spent some time together since we were both in town for the night.”

Steve couldn’t tell if Bruce was blushing a little or if it was just the lighting in the room.

“I was surprised to find out that he knew about Bucky, but when he told me the story of Nat slipping up, it made more sense. Never in a billion years did I think you would tell him yourself.” Bruce admitted.

“So you met up?” Steve had seemed to completely ignore the last bit and was smiling like an idiot.

“Yeah?” Bruce said. Now he was blushing for sure.

“Natasha owes me fifty bucks!” Steve said giggling.

“It’s not like that. Tony has Pepper, anyways.” Bruce said, sounding sad and bitter.

Steve’s stomach dropped at the way he said those words. He had never imagined…

“Bruce I’m sorry. The thing is that it’s been kind of a joke between Nat and I, you know, about you and Tony getting together. You guys just always seemed compatible. So compatible that sometimes I forget Pepper is still in the picture.” Steve felt more and more stupid the longer he talked. The things he was saying probably weren’t helping. “And… I didn’t actually know that you had feelings for Tony.”

Bruce looked looked incredibly sad, and he stopped eating and put down his fork.

“It’s really ok, Steve. I know your intentions would never be to hurt anyone. And besides, I’m coming to terms with the fact that I can never be with him. Even if Pepper wasn’t in the picture, I don’t think he’s into guys.”

Steve wished he could do something to take back all of his stupid words about the fifty bucks.

“Does anyone else know?” Steve asked.

“No. Just you now. And it’s probably best if it stays that way, if you don’t mind.” Bruce said.

“Of course!” Steve replied quickly. “I’m sorry again, Bruce. I just didn’t know…”

“It’s not your fault,” Bruce said, trying to force a smile.

“If you ever need to talk, I’m here.”

Bruce nodded.

* * *

Bruce didn’t touch much more of his food, and Steve insisted on paying the bill. He didn’t want to head home right away, though. He still wanted to cheer Bruce up before he left him alone again.

“Well you drove all this way, I might as well show you around before you head home!” Steve said with enthusiasm as they walked to the parking lot.

“It’s ok, Steve, it’s getting a bit late, and-“

“It’s only seven o’clock. You’d just go right back to your research, and you need a break anyways. Let me at least show you the art museum? It’s even free.” Steve pleaded.

Bruce took a deep breath and agreed. Steve’s insistence to be a friend seemed to cheer him up a little.

* * *

“I never did understand art,” Bruce said, looking at a sculpture of a giant saggy fan made of what looked like stuffed vinyl.

“Yeah. I draw sometimes, but this stuff just confuses me,” Steve replied.

They roamed the many galleries and rooms of the museum. Bruce seemed to really enjoy the photography section. The painting collection had always been Steve’s favorite. More than anything, Steve enjoyed the feeling of museums. They were always peaceful and calm, and he never left without being in a lighter mood than earlier. That was why he decided to bring Bruce here.

By the time they left, Bruce had practically forgotten about Tony. Or at least that was what he was letting on. Maybe he was only acting happier to satisfy Steve, but Steve decided not to question it.

“I’ll see you later, then?” Steve asked.

“Yeah definitely. I’ll let you know when I have more free time,” Bruce replied with a kind smile.

Bruce was always so kind and considerate. How had he fallen for an egomaniac like Tony? It really was none of Steve’s business, but he just felt bad for Bruce, and the more he wanted to protect his new friend, the more he wanted to kick Tony’s ass. That wasn’t justified by any means. Tony was just living his own life; it’s not like he was going out of his way to purposefully hurt Bruce. But emotions have no rules and regulations, and sometimes they don’t have to be justifiable to be present.

Steve reminded Bruce that he was always a phone call away, and they said their goodbyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I included a reference to Claes Oldenburg's 'Giant Soft Fan'. I was hoping one of you would recognize the sculpture! You can google it, but you'll see that it's currently installed in the Museum of Modern Art in NYC. That's not where this story is set! I'm not sure where it takes place, but not in NYC lol.
> 
> Anyways, I'm sorry I hurt Bruce. He is my son, and I feel bad putting him through this :/
> 
> (unrelated) I have finals tomorrow and Thursday, so wish me luck!! Hopefully I won't fail hahahahahahahaha  
> (I've spent 90% of my time writing rather than studying oops)
> 
> Leave me lots of comments so I can cry with you! <3


	29. A Pair Of Dorks

Saturday came so quickly. Steve spent most of the previous day cleaning his apartment. He had dusted and organized the few things that needed organizing. The shower was nice and clean, and he did his laundry and put fresh sheets on the bed.

Steve followed Bucky inside through the door, and Hope almost tackled him on sight. She always seemed to get more and more excited to see Bucky on the weekends.

“She was pretty restless without you here this week,” Steve told him. “She chewed up her brand new frog toy while I was out a few nights back. I came home to a mess of stuffing.”

Bucky plopped down in the middle of the floor and let Hope maul him with kisses and love. She was so excited that her whole body shivered and wiggled. When Steve looked back at Bucky, his hands were covered in dog slobber, and his shirt had little red hairs all over.

Steve went to the kitchen and started toasting some bread.

“Would you like any? I’m pretty hungry,” he called to Bucky. Bucky shook his head and broke into laughter again as Hope came at him from the side.

Steve rolled his eyes jokingly and waited for his toast.

He eventually asked Bucky what he would like to do with their day. After a short round of charades, Steve gathered that Bucky wanted to go… ice skating?

“I don’t even know if there’s a rink around here,” Steve said, giggling, “is this your way of asking me on some cheesy date like we’re in middle school?”

Bucky acted like he was thinking hard and then nodded.

“Well you’ve really outdone yourself this time,” he laughed.

Steve looked up the nearest ice rink. It was about a twenty-minute bus ride away, and it was open for public skating from five to eleven that night. It was official. Two ninety-year-old men were going to go on a gay date at an ice rink. 

* * *

 

“I don’t own any tights, so do you think these sweatpants will be ok?” He asked Bucky jokingly.

Bucky giggled and nodded.

Steve had never been ice skating. It looked easy, though, so he wasn’t concerned. They showed up around seven thirty, and after renting two pairs of skates and spending a while lacing them up, they walked to the little gate. Bucky stepped onto the ice and glided out towards the center of the rink. _See?_ Steve thought to himself, _easy pea- WHAM!_ Steve hit the ice so hard and so fast that he didn’t even have time to holler out. He looked up, and Bucky was laughing like a child. He bent over to and pointed at Steve, gasping for air.

“It’s not funny!” Steve tried getting to his feet, but he just kept slipping and sliding all over. Bucky skated back to his side and offered him a hand. Steve must’ve looked pathetic trying to climb his way up to his feet, tugging at Bucky’s clothing and arms. When he finally got to his feet, he held onto Bucky’s arm for dear life. He was Captain fricking America, for Christ’s sake! Why was this so much harder than taking down space aliens?

Steve wasn’t particularly enjoying the ice, but Bucky was getting a thrill from watching Steve repeatedly humiliate himself. _I hope you’re happy, you twat,_ he thought to Bucky. Deep down, though, he knew he was just happy to see Bucky smiling and laughing so much, and he would fall and crash a thousand more times if it meant giving Bucky a good night.

After a good hour of misery… uh skating, they got off the ice to rest, and Steve bought them a hot chocolate to share.

“You probably think this is fun, don’t you?” he giggled to Bucky.

Bucky snickered and nodded his head.

“Yeah, well it is pretty fun, I’m not gonna lie,” Steve said. “You should really teach me how to skate properly, though.”

Bucky stood up and tried to demonstrate on solid ground.

“Oh, so you kind of push off with one foot at a time?” Steve asked, receiving an enthusiastic nod from Bucky in reply.

“That makes more sense. That way you can keep your balance on one foot at a time. I guess I always assumed you could do this weave thing, but that hasn’t really worked out for me so far.”

After they finished their drink, they got back out on the ice, and Steve tried the new method. He still fell a few times whenever he let go of Bucky’s hand, but it was noticeably easier that way than what he was doing earlier.

He couldn’t believe Bucky’s patience. He was so good at skating that he probably wanted to just get out there and go, but he stayed right by Steve’s side, inching forward ever so slowly. Maybe this was sort of how Bucky felt in his recovery.

* * *

 

They didn’t end up leaving until the rink closed for the night, and even then they didn’t go straight home. They wandered around the downtown area. It was pretty brightly lit, but most of the little shops had closed two or three hours ago. They found a heated patio, and sat at a small table with an umbrella.

“I haven’t done anything like that in so long,” Steve laughed.

Bucky shrugged and smiled.

They sat and Steve chatted for a while. It was finally getting a bit cold, and Steve requested that they find a bus home.

When they arrived back at the apartment, they tended to Hope, and Bucky showered.  He came out of the bathroom in his usual sweatpants and cotton tee.

Steve had made up the couch with blankets, and lay there, reading. Bucky crawled into bed and turned out the light.

* * *

 

He was awoken in the morning by Bucky shaking his shoulder. He sat up quickly.

“Are you alright?” He asked, assuming something was wrong. Bucky held out a steaming mug of tea.

“Oh thanks, Buck!” He said happily. “Sleep well?”

Bucky shrugged and sat on the couch beside him. He looked pretty tired, and Steve hoped he hadn’t slept through one of his nightmares.

“Want me to put on some music?” He asked, and when Bucky nodded yes, he asked if he should put on Bucky’s new playlist. Bucky shook his head and pointed to Steve.

“You want me to put on music I like?”

Bucky nodded again with a smile.

Steve didn’t know exactly what would be good music for right now. He was pretty bad at choosing music to fit certain moods. After a bit of browsing, he decided on Al Green. Bucky didn’t seem to dislike the music, which was good. Before long he was subconsciously bobbing his head a little to the music.

After about a half hour, there was a knock at the door. Steve got up to answer it. There was a UPS man standing there with a fairly large box.

“Package for Mr. Rogers?” the man asked in a deep voice.

Steve signed for the package, and when he took it, it was lighter than he expected. He read the shipping label and discovered it was sent by Tony.

“Bucky, I forgot to tell you, but a few days ago I ran into Tony Stark. Bucky’s shoulders tensed a little. “Hope was with me at the time. He informed me that he found out about you, but he’s not after you. If anything he just wants peace with you.” Steve was trying to make Tony sound as friendly as possible.

Bucky didn’t relax.

“I think this is for both of us, would you like to come open it with me?” Steve offered.

Bucky just sat there frozen, staring at the box as if there was a bomb inside.

“I can open it and then I’ll show you what’s inside, ok?”

He cut open the tape on the top of the box. The inside was full of packing peanuts. Steve dug through them until he left something cold. He pulled the object out. It looked exactly like Bucky’s arm, except shaped like a dog’s leg. It even had a red star on the side.

Bucky squinted skeptically. He got up off of the couch and slowly walked over. He reached out and took the prosthetic leg from Steve. He discovered that the leg hinged at the joints, just as a normal leg would. It looked very high-tech, and the part that was supposed to connect to Hope’s shoulder looked very comfortable. There were a few adjustable straps that could go around Hope in a way that would secure the leg well, and Bucky assumed that there was some kind of technology that would read the dog’s movements to hinge and move as necessary.  Tony really was a genius.

“There’s a note addressed to you, Buck,” Steve said, pulling a small envelope from the box.

Bucky took the envelope, setting the leg down gently. He carefully ripped it open and began reading the letter.

_Bucky,_

_This is a prototype for Hope’s prosthetic. If it doesn’t fit, or if you can think of any improvements it needs, please let me know._

_Best wishes,_

_Tony Stark_

When Steve read the letter after Bucky, He thought it didn’t sound like Tony at all. He probably had Pepper write the letter, and that was a good thing.

“Should we try it on Hope?” Steve asked excitedly.

Bucky picked up the leg and approached Hope. She had been laying on her bed observing from afar. He held out the leg to show it to her, and she sniffed it. Bucky got her to her feet, and Steve held her still while Bucky fastened the straps in place. It fit more perfectly than Steve imagined it would. The leg didn’t slide around, and it was able to bear the weight it needed to. Hope obviously felt extremely awkward and wasn’t sure how to walk with it at first. She hobbled around, and then just stood still, looking up at Bucky as if to ask, _what the hell am I supposed to do?_ Bucky giggled and walked to the opposite side of the room. He then clapped a few times to summon her over. She hobbled to him, and the leg worked just like a normal leg would. Hope still walked awkwardly, but she seemed to slowly figure out that it was just another one of her limbs.

Bucky spent a good thirty minutes walking around the apartment, getting Hope to follow him so that she could get used to the new leg. When she finally decided to lay down, the leg functioned just as it should, bending to lay out in front of her beside her right paw.

Bucky looked happy to see Hope accept it, and Steve was happy that he had a chance to get a good first impression of Tony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY THEY'RE SO CUTE!
> 
> LEeave me those comments pleeeeaaaase :)


	30. It's A Love/Hate Relationship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a question about how Hope looks. Copy and paste the link below into your browser to see how I picture her :)
> 
> http://not-nearly-sane.tumblr.com/post/145695492180/hope-from-all-alone-sort-of-by-rixtide

Steve looked down at his shoulder. Bucky had fallen asleep on it halfway through their third episode of Whose Line Is It Anyway. He reached up with his left arm and began twirling and stroking strands of Bucky’s dark brown hair. It was so soft. He let his mind wander back to the morning that Bucky had said those four words to him. God, he wished he could hear his voice again.

“Bucky?” Steve said softly.

Bucky didn’t stir, and Steve tried one more time, a little louder.

“Buck.”

Again, there was no response. Bucky was fast asleep.

Steve continued to play with his hair, and suddenly he had the urge to touch Bucky’s face. He reached over with a slightly shaky hand. The second his fingertips made contact with Bucky’s skin, Bucky jumped and grabbed a hold of Steve’s wrist. He was holding on so tightly that Steve felt like his hand was going to snap off.

“Ow, Bucky. It’s ok, it’s just me. It’s Steve.”

Bucky’s grip loosened, and he looked at Steve with guilt in his eyes.

“It’s ok, pal. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” Steve said in a gentle voice.

Bucky didn’t look all too shaken, and he just leaned back against Steve’s shoulder again. 

“You getting tired? It’s already past eleven.”

Bucky nodded, and stayed there for a moment more before standing to retrieve his sweatpants. After he changed, he climbed into Steve’s bed and sat up against the wall. Steve finished making up the couch and turned, expecting to see Bucky already laying down.

“Everything alright?” Steve asked when he saw the conflicted expression on Bucky’s face.

Bucky had his mouth hanging open a little, and he just nodded, avoiding eye contact.

“Alright. Well you know I’m here if you need me.”

He laid down on the couch and smiled at Bucky, wishing him goodnight. Bucky turned out the light.

Steve lay there awake for a while. He could tell that Bucky wasn’t asleep yet either. He debated asking him again if everything was alright, but before he got the chance to, he heard a soft sound.

“Steve?” Bucky’s voice came softly through the dark, making Steve’s heart skip a beat.

“Yeah, Buck?” He replied, sitting up on the couch.

Silence.

“is everything alright? Would you like to turn the lamp back on?” Steve asked.

There was a rustling sound, and the light came on. Bucky’s face looked focused and frustrated.

Steve stood from the couch and went to sit on the edge of Bucky’s bed. Bucky sat up with his back against the wall again.

“Did you want to try and talk about something?” Steve wasn’t sure if that was the best question to ask. “You can take your time, and just say what you can. If you can’t say any more right now, that’s ok too.”

Bucky sat still for a moment, looking at his lap. Then he spoke again. His words were slow and barely audible.

“I’m afraid,” he said.

Steve shifted and pulled his leg up so that he could face Bucky, “of what, pal?”

Bucky took a deep breath, and Steve feared that he would stop there.

“Myself.”

Steve’s heart ached a little. He wished there was something he could do to help Bucky see himself as James Buchanan Barnes rather than the Winter Soldier.

“It’s going to be ok, Bucky. You don’t have to be afraid of yourself anymore. You’re you again. You won’t hurt anyone.” Steve told him. 

Bucky looked sad, “you don’t understand.”

“Then help me to,” Steve responded, trying to keep his voice as kind as possible.

Bucky went quiet again and looked towards the window. About ten minutes of silence passed, and then he turned his head back to Steve.

“I want to kill you…” He said slowly, and Steve heard him choke up a little when he said it.

Steve felt another pain to his heart.

“They made me want to kill you,” as Bucky continued, his voice went from slow to frantic, like he was trying to justify what he just said before Steve could get angry or upset, “they put it in my head, made me want to kill you, made me hate you. And some of the things they put there, I can’t get rid of. I’m trying, I’m trying so ha-” he huffed and tried to control his tears.

“Hey, hey. It’s ok, Bucky,” Steve said. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me. It makes sense that you would still have some of those thoughts and feelings in your head. You just have to remember that those aren’t _your_ thoughts.”

A tear fell and traced a path down Bucky’s cheek. He sniffed and wiped it away as he looked back towards the window.

“I don’t know what to do,” Bucky’s voice was shaking so much now, and it had gotten even quieter. Steve was struggling to make out his words. “How can I love you if I want to kill you?”

“Well isn’t that what most relationships are like anyway?” Steve chuckled in an attempt to take away some of the heaviness in the air. He could tell that Bucky appreciated the humor, but he was too upset to laugh at the moment.

He stayed quiet, but his tears kept coming.

“Look. I know that _you_ don’t want to kill me. Sure, maybe they shoved some shit in your head that is too stubborn to leave right now, but that doesn’t make me afraid of you, and it sure as hell doesn’t make me love you any less. I know how strong you are, Bucky. I don’t ever doubt your ability to fight all this shit that you’re forced to deal with. Maybe you can’t shake the thoughts just yet, but with time they will fade away, just like everything else that already has faded away. You’re not just some brainwashed maniac, and you will make it through this.”

Steve’s words and reassurance seemed to put Bucky a little more at ease, because some of the sadness on his face had gone. Steve scooted closer to him and held his arms open. Bucky sank into his chest and wrapped his arms around Steve’s torso.

When they pulled away, Bucky was smiling a little.

“You look tired, would you like to sleep now, or are you still too awake?” Steve asked.

Bucky sat back and rested his head on the wall. Steve could tell he was done talking for now, and he looked like he wanted to sleep. Steve got up and gave Hope a quick scratch before returning to the couch.

“Sleep well, Bucky. Thank you for helping me understand, and just remember what I said.”

Bucky gave Steve a tired smile and turned out the light for the final time that night.

Before Steve drifted off, he thought not about Bucky wanting to kill him, but instead about the fact that he had spoken again. Steve hadn’t expected him to speak as much as he did. It must have taken an incredible amount of energy from him, not to mention the courage it took to admit his thoughts to Steve’s face. He was probably terrified of what Steve would think or how he would react. It just went to further prove how strong of a person Bucky really was.

Steve felt the familiar sensation of pride over how far Bucky had come since the first day they met in that awful old apartment. He knew Bucky’s future was promising.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys so I'm going to be traveling for the next few days. I'm a bridesmaid for my friend's wedding and I'll also get to spend a few days with my best friend in the world. I only get to see her about once every two years, so I'm going to do my best to update on time, but if my updates are a little late, please bear with me... I will try really hard to post new chapters in a timely manner.


	31. It's Called Fashion

In the morning, Bucky got ready to go back to the hospital. Before they left the apartment, Bucky sat on the floor next to Hope’s bed. She inched towards him and placed her head on his leg. He scratched behind her ear, and she leaned into his hand. When he tried to get up again, she stood and followed him to the door, waiting expectantly.

“Sorry, girlie,” Steve said. “Bucky’s gotta go, but he’ll be back soon.”

Hope looked sad when they closed the door behind them, and Steve too wished that Bucky could stay longer. They took the bus back to the hospital, and Bucky got settled back into his room with ease. The fact that he only had one little duffel bag made it simple to travel. Steve said goodbye and gave him a hug before leaving.

When he got back to his apartment, he texted Nat asking if she wanted to help him pick out a doggy sweater for Hope. He wanted to get one for multiple reasons. It would keep her warm in winter, and it would cover up the straps of the prosthetic. Most importantly, though, it would be cute.

Nat replied with a very excited yes. About an hour later, she picked up Steve and Hope, and they drove to the pet supply store. There was a whole rack inside that had dog jackets, sweaters, and jerseys of all sizes. Steve liked one of the sweaters that was purple, blue, and white, but after Natasha found a cute army green vest with a little fur-lined hood, it was all over. The vest fit Hope perfectly, and the look of it complimented the metal prosthetic. Nat pulled the hood up so it sat on top of Hope’s head, and she giggled. It was really adorable. They didn’t even take the vest off of her to buy it.

“Now Hope is the most fashionable dog in town,” Natasha joked. She took off her sunglasses and balanced them on Hope’s face while proceeding to take a hundred pictures. Hope was an incredibly well-behaved dog, and Steve was grateful for that.

On the way home, Natasha asked if they could stop by the park. She was meeting Clint at noon, and she wanted to blow some time with Steve and Hope. They walked down to the pond in the center of the park. Steve noticed already that it was immensely easier for Hope to walk.

Natasha started talking about Clint and how they’ve started thinking on moving in together in the future.

“It won’t be anytime soon, but we see it as a possibility,” Nat said.

Steve nodded, and was reminded that he still hadn’t told Nat a lot of the more recent happenings with Bucky. She still had no idea about their romantic interest in each other. She was gonna freak out when he brought it up. She didn’t know that Steve was bisexual, not that she would mind. To be honest, Steve didn’t even know until Bruce helped him understand his feelings for Bucky.

He wanted to tell her, he just didn’t know how.

“Steve?” she had realized he wasn’t paying attention anymore. “You all good there, buddy?”

“Yeah, sorry! Carry on,” Steve said with a smile.

“Well now I’m kinda interested to know what you were daydreaming about,” she said with a smug look on her face.

“Uh…” _oops._ Had he not hesitated and blushed, he probably could have talked his way out of this one. “Well um…”

“Ok, Mr. rosy cheeks, spill the beans. Who is it?” Natasha was too keen.

 _Damn it,_ Steve thought. Before he could even formulate a good way to start, the words were spilling out of his mouth, “It’s Bucky, actually.”

Natasha’s eyes widened, and her jaw dropped open into a wide-mouthed smile. She had a devious look in her eyes.

“N- no. No. Whatever you’re about to say or do, no,” Steve pointed a finger at her and took a step back.

Too late. She lunged at him and flung her arms around his neck chanting, “I knew it! I knew it!”

She pulled away and took his hands, “Ok, mamma Nat is listening. Tell me all about it. Has anything happened, or is it more like just feelings, or what?”

“Well…” this was the hard part about telling Nat. Not that he didn’t enjoy her enthusiasm, but she always went out of her way to embarrass him.

He dove into the story about how he started to realize his feelings. He told her about his talk with Banner, and then about the exchange of I love you’s.

“He _talked_ to you?” Natasha practically squealed with excitement. She was even getting Steve excited.

“Yeah!” Steve said before continuing. He told her about the drawing Bucky did for him, and the hugs, and the ice skating date. She especially enjoyed that part. Steve was trying to leave out the less happy parts of the story. Not because he didn’t want to tell her, but because he was just trying to tell a cute and happy tale right now.

Natasha was so happy by the end that she was crying.

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?!” She asked, wiping her eyes.

“I wasn’t really ready yet,” Steve admitted.

Natasha hugged him tight.

“I’m so happy for you, Steve!” She said. “Can I tell Clint? Please? Pleeeeaaaase?”

“I mean I would rather he found out from you than me,” Steve said. That reminded him about the whole slip up with Tony. “By the way,” he said in a more serious tone.

Natasha must have realized what he was about to say, because she glanced at Hope’s arm, and it hit her that it was Stark-made.

“Why would you tell Tony, Nat?” He asked. He was trying not to be too accusatory, because he already knew it was a mistake, but he just wanted her to know he expected her to be more careful with his secrets.

“I’m so sorry, Steve. It was an accident. I didn’t mean it! I talked him down though. I made him promise he wouldn’t touch Bucky or tell anyone else,” she talked at a rapid pace.

“I know, he told me all about it. I’m not mad. I just wish you’d be a little more careful with sensitive info,” Steve said.

She looked guilty, “I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t dwell on it. Like I said I’m not mad,” Steve said. 

* * *

 

Natasha dropped him and Hope back off at his apartment, giving him one more excited hug, and drove away to meet Clint.

Steve got back up to his room and got an idea. He brewed a cup of green tea and started digging one of his old sketchbooks out of his closet.

When he flipped through the pages, he found a lot of drawings that he didn’t remember. The sketchbook had been found and kept by Peggy Carter for seventy years while he was lost under ice. When she found out he was alive again, she returned it to him. In the sketchbook, there were a lot of drawings of birds. There were a few of Peggy, although they weren’t very good. There was even an old piece of scrap paper that had been tucked into the pages depicting a monkey with a patriotic shield. The sketchbook had only been about halfway filled up, and so he flipped to the first blank page and pulled out a pencil from his desk drawer.

He started drawing Bucky the way he remembered him form the morning he was asleep with a few strands of hair falling over his face. The drawing was going fairly well, but it was nothing compared o the quality of Bucky’s drawings. Nonetheless, Steve thoroughly enjoyed drawing it.

Maybe one day he would show it to Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave comments :3 I apologize ahead of time for the next chapter...


	32. History Repeats Itself

Steve tossed and turned in his bed that night. He wanted to be with Bucky, and his excitement for the next day was keeping him up. The night passed slowly, minute by minute. He finally fell asleep sometime after three thirty.

In the morning, he woke to an alarm on his phone. Thankfully he had set that, or he may have been late to visiting hours again. He showered and fed Hope. Shortly after eating a bagel for breakfast, he left the apartment for the hospital. Seeing that he still had about fifteen minutes, he went across the street to buy two teas.

He signed in at the front desk and entered the common room. He started to proceed to the hallway on the opposite side of the room when he didn’t see Bucky. As he passed Dr. Baumann’s open door, he was stopped.

“Oh, Steve,” Baumann practically jumped up from his desk and hurried to Steve.

Steve opened his mouth to greet the doctor cheerfully, but he saw that his face was concerned.

“Is everything ok?” Steve asked.

“Uh,” the doctor hesitated. “Bucky… well, he snuck out last night.”

Steve’s heart jumped into his throat, “What do you mean he snuck out?”

“I really don’t know how it happened, Steve. We had nurses on watch, but in the morning he was… gone. I’m sorry.”

Steve rather aggressively pushed past Dr. Baumann and hurried to Bucky’s room. The door was open and the lights were off. Any trace of Bucky had been wiped clean. The bed was neatly made, and the bedside table was empty. Steve’s head started spinning. Was this another dream? No. This was too real. The hot cups of tea were burning his hands. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling at the moment. In fact, he didn’t really feel anything.

He turned and hurried out of the psychiatric ward and threw the cups of tea in the nearest trash can. He could feel a sickness in his stomach. Was this going to be the day he lost his friend for good? When he got back to the parking lot, he mounted his bike. Should he go to Bucky’s old apartment? It was worth a try.

The apartment was very dusty and untouched, just as it had been the last time he came. He stood inside for a moment before noticing one difference. The small black backpack was gone. 

* * *

 

Steve drove back to his own apartment. No sign of Bucky there either. He didn’t know what else to do, or where Bucky would go. He felt scared and helpless and hurt and numb.

Numb.

Steve felt the world closing in on him. He knew he should have been feeling something more. He knew he should be desperately searching, calling people, worrying. He _should_ be. What was wrong with him? All he felt like doing was laying in his bed and sleeping. Maybe if he slept, he would wake up and everything would be normal again.

Through the numbness, Steve couldn’t feel the pain. He couldn’t feel the anger. Why would Bucky leave him like this without a word? Had he not done his all to be there for his friend? Had he not sat through every long night and ever bad day? Had he not made his love clear? These were the questions that the numbness kept him from asking himself.

It felt surreal. He couldn’t accept it. He just wanted to sleep. He wanted to be alone. He wanted…

The very second that Steve awoke, the feelings hit him full-force. He jumped up from his bed and looked at the clock, which read 4:23pm. So it wasn’t a dream. Bucky was gone. Steve began to cry. He wanted to find Bucky. He wanted to go outside and search behind every building and in every alley. In reality, this would be pointless, and he knew it. What else could he do except wait? If Bucky truly didn’t want to be found, Steve stood no chance. _What if he’s…_ the thought crept into Steve’s mind, but he pushed it away. _No._

The tears wouldn’t stop coming. He picked up his phone and hovered his finger over Bruce’s number. He took a deep breath and clicked it. He put the phone to his ear, listening to it ring.

“Hey Steve,” Bruce picked up, sounding tired but cheerful.

“Bruce,” Steve’s voice was shaking. “Bucky, uhm.” His voice gave out.

“Hey, talk to me, it’s ok,” Bruce said. Concern was heavy in his voice.

“Bucky’s gone.”

There was a silence. Steve realized that the word _gone_ could be interpreted in more ways than one, so he added, “missing. He escaped the hospital and disappeared.”

He heard a sigh from Bruce, “Steve, I’m sorry. Have you already looked for him?”

“Yeah. It’s no use. I don’t even know where he would be,” Steve said hopelessly.

“Do you know if anything happened that would cause him to want to leave so suddenly?” Bruce asked in a careful voice.

“I mean I don’t think so.”

“He probably needs some time to himself to think. What he’s going through is not easy, and maybe he felt a bit trapped at the hospital. I’m sure he’ll turn up within a few days,” Bruce said.

Bruce’s words did make Steve feel a little better. He of all people would understand sudden disappearances best. He was always vanishing and turning back up in another place.

Bruce expressed a few more words of comfort and told Steve that if he needed anything, he shouldn’t hesitate to ask. Steve thanked him and hung up the phone.

For the rest of the day, he lay in his bed with thoughts running through his mind. He kept waiting for a knock at his door or for his phone to ring, but none of that ever came.

 _Bucky will be back when he’s ready._ Steve kept repeating the mantra to himself, but no matter how many times he said it, he still felt sick and helpless. Deep down, he didn’t believe that Bucky was ever coming back. 

* * *

Natasha tried calling him the next day. He let it go to voicemail. He hadn’t moved from his bed, even to eat. Sleep wouldn’t come to him that night, and so he just stared at the ceiling, feeling nothing.

Natasha left a voicemail, but he didn’t listen to it.

Two more days passed. Steve had only gotten out of bed to drink a small glass of water here and there, to tend to Hope, and to use the bathroom. The longer he waited, the longer the days grew. He felt like a zombie. He just wished that he could fade out of existence.

On Friday, there was a knock at his door. His heart skipped a beat. He thought he had imagined it, so he didn’t get up. Seconds later there was another knock, and this time he jumped out of bed and ran to the door, throwing it open.

But it wasn’t Bucky.

He regretted opening the door now. Natasha stood there, and when she saw the state of him, she gasped a little. Steve wanted to close the door and go back to bed. Why did she have to disturb him?

“Steve…?” She asked in a quiet voice. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Now isn’t a good time, Nat,” Steve’s voice was scratchy and harsh.

“Steve, you need to tell me what’s going on. I’ve called you seven times. You look like your wasting away. Please talk to me. Sam and I are scared.”

Anger boiled inside of Steve. He just wanted to be left alone. However, he figured that the more he turned her away and ignored her, the more she would pester him. He huffed and let her in through the door.

“Is everything ok with Bucky?” she asked.

“He’s gone, Nat. He left, and he’s not coming back,” Steve’s voice was angry and frustrated.

“What do you mean, Steve?”

“Did you not hear me?” He yelled, and immediately he closed his mouth. He didn’t sound like himself. He wanted to take it back.

Natasha didn’t look phased, “how long has it been since you’ve slept?” She looked him up and down, “or eaten?”

Steve began to cry in frustration with himself. He sat on the edge of the bed. When he spoke again, his voice was quiet and vulnerable.

“I haven’t slept or eaten in days, Nat. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell.”

She was so patient with him, and it made him regret snapping at her even more.

“You said Bucky’s missing?” she asked.

“I don’t understand why he left,” Steve began choking up. “Why hasn’t he come back yet? I’m so scared… I’m so scared.”

Natasha crossed the room and wrapped him in a hug. He cried as he leaned into her. Her embrace felt so good, and he wanted to stay there, protected forever from his fear and pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry :( 
> 
> Free hugs?


	33. A True Friend

Natasha stayed with him for the day. She made him lunch and dinner, and she even put on one of his favorite movies. At around eleven o’clock, she asked if he wanted her to stay. He said she should go home and get some proper rest, so she left after a heartfelt goodbye.

Steve was finally able to get a few hours of sleep, but he woke several times due to nightmares. He dreamt of Bucky, mostly. After three awful dreams, he decided not to let himself fall back asleep.

He got up out of his bed, trying not to trip over Hope in the dark, and walked to the window. He wasn’t sure how long he spent standing there looking out. His body ached from the lack of sleep, and he felt nauseous. He didn’t even care if Bucky came back or not; at this point Steve would be ok just knowing he was still alive. That was a lie. He wanted Bucky back more than anything.

* * *

Three miserable days passed by. Nat had been spending a good portion of each day at Steve’s. She even offered him to stay at her house, but he refused to leave his apartment. He felt sick at the thought of going out. What if he left when Bucky tried to show up again? He couldn’t leave. He could barely take care of Hope. Natasha had begun tending to her as Steve’s motivation disappeared.

He barely touched the food she brought for him, and she had to force him to even drink water. Most of Steve’s time was spent in his bed. Nat brought him a new sketchbook and tried to encourage him to draw. The two drawings he did were only to make her stop nagging him, and they were completely awful compared to his normal creations.

Steve just wanted all of this to be over. He wished he never found Bucky. It would have spared him the pain. That was completely selfish and he knew it, but apparently his efforts to help Bucky were totally pointless anyway. He was beginning to feel bitter, but at the same time he just wanted to feel Bucky’s touch one more time. He craved the hugs and the feeling of his hair. And his _lips…_ why did Steve keep putting himself through this? Laying here dwelling on the happy times would only make him sadder.

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. It wasn’t Natasha’s type of knock, so it couldn’t be her. He decided to ignore it.

Until he heard the voice.

“Steve, I know you’re in there. Please open up, buddy,” Bruce said in his usual kind and warm voice.

Steve still felt like ignoring it, but Bruce was probably one of the only people he would be ok with being around at the moment. He got out of bed and unbolted the door.

“Hey Steve,” he said warmly. His face looked a little sad, but at least it wasn’t a look of pity.

“Hey,” Steve’s voice was rough.

Bruce asked to come in, and Steve let him through. Bruce looked around the little apartment as Steve walked over to sit on the edge of the bed. Bruce sat on the couch to face him.

“How’re you doing?” Bruce asked in a gentle voice. The sound of it seemed to put Steve at ease.

“I’m alright.”

“You don’t have to do that with me,” Bruce said, “I came here because I know you aren’t alright.”

Steve bit his cheek and nodded emptily. Bruce waited in silence, but Steve didn’t feel pressured to talk like he did around Natasha. He knew that Bruce didn’t come to get a story, he came to be here for his friend.

“It’s been a few days now,” Steve said quietly, “I can’t help but think that he’s dead.”

“I don’t think so. If Bucky was going to do anything drastic, he would’ve done it back when he still had nothing to lose,” Bruce said.

“He still has nothing to lose. He left me, Bruce. He doesn’t need me or want me.”

“Bullshit. I didn’t have to meet him to know how much he cared about you, about Hope,” Bruce’s voice was stern now, but still not unkind.

Steve looked away. Maybe he was being a bit dramatic.

“Then why did he leave?” Steve asked. His voice was shaking and barely audible.

“People make rash decisions when they’re scared. He has every reason to be terrified, Steve. Not just of his past but of his future with you too. He hasn’t felt love in seventy years, and he is absolutely terrified of himself and what he might do. He was an assassin. For years he didn’t have control over who he killed or what he did, and now he is trying to be himself again. Love is always scary, but for him it’s probably a whole new level of horrifying. I don’t mean to say it’s bad, but he probably just needs some time.”

Steve was lost for words. Bruce always read the situation from an angle Steve couldn’t see. He felt selfish for thinking the way he did about Bucky’s disappearance. He just wanted him back.

“Don’t blame yourself, Steve.”

He couldn’t help it. He wanted to cry, to scream, to run outside and just keep running. His heart was breaking in two, and he didn’t know how to deal with it.

He felt two hands on his shoulders, and they pulled him back to reality. Looking up, he saw Bruce there. His face was comforting and his hands were gentle. Steve hadn’t wanted to talk to anyone in days, not even Natasha, but he was so glad that Bruce was here now.

Bruce stood and asked if Steve needed anything. He offered to get water or make food. Steve wasn’t particularly hungry, but Bruce insisted, saying he needed food to function. He was right, of course, the only time Steve had even touched food in the last few days was when Natasha made him eat. Bruce felt uncomfortable making food in Steve’s home, so he went down the street and brought back food for the both of them.

Steve’s stomach was uneasy the whole time he ate, but he felt inclined to not waste the food Bruce brought him. After lunch, Bruce took Hope out for him and asked if he needed anything else before wishing Steve the best and heading out.

* * *

Steve could never sleep with ease anymore. His nights were plagued with dreams of Bucky. He would often wake suddenly in a cold sweat, jumping out of bed and pacing around his apartment while trying to catch his breath. He wondered if this is what every night felt like for Bucky.

The night after Bruce came, he had a particularly bad nightmare in which Bucky was drowning and he could not reach him. The water was dark and murky, and he kept swimming downwards, reaching out for Bucky’s extended hand. The faster he swam to retrieve his friend, the faster Bucky sank. He felt himself running out of air, and he shook awake.

Immediately he wished he could fall back asleep. His whole body ached from the lack of sleep, and a headache began setting in. However, he just sat up in his bed. As much as he wanted and needed sleep, he couldn’t handle another nightmare that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently I don't deserve free hugs lol
> 
> I love all of you guys!
> 
> Leave comments <3


	34. A Place Called Home

Several days passed, and then several weeks. Steve began to get back into the swing of normal life again. He tucked away Hope’s prosthetic so that he wouldn’t have to keep being reminded of Bucky. It was selfish, but he couldn’t stand to look at it. He had missed Bucky for long enough, and now he was bitter. He wished he didn’t, but he resented Bucky for leaving him alone. He was angry at the world for robbing Bucky of his life, and for robbing him of their future together. He spent more time than usual with Nat or Sam, and occasionally Bruce. He was starting to forget the pain Bucky had caused him. He was starting to be happy again.

Steve had just come home from game night at Nat’s place and tended to Hope. He showered and changed into a pair of baggy black sweatpants with a little Avengers A on the hip. He laid down to sleep and was awoken in the middle of the night by a small sound.

At first he thought he had dreamt it, but then he spotted the dark silhouette by the bathroom door. He jumped up and flicked the lamp on, ready to fight the intruder.

What he saw made his stomach turn.

Bucky was standing there, in tattered and dirty clothing. His face was scraped and bruised, and his chin and cheeks were covered in stubble. His eyes were filled with fear and guilt. He was clearly malnourished and was resting all of his weight on his left leg.

Steve relaxed his body. He wanted to be angry, but the sight of Bucky standing there in the flesh brought back all of the feelings and emotions from weeks ago.

“What the hell, Bucky?” he said in a quiet but stern voice. This was the pain that he thought he let go of. All of the hurt was overwhelming. He was upset at Bucky, but the sight of his frail body made Steve’s heart ache. His emotions confused him. Was he supposed to be angry? Happy? Worried?

No reply. Bucky just dropped his eyes to the floor.

“Why? Why did you even come back at all?” Steve wanted to sound angry. He was upset, pissed even, but at the same time all he wanted was to hug Bucky. “Did you even think what leaving would do to me? And now you just show up out of the blue?”

Bucky looked to be on the verge of tears, and Steve felt a pang of regret. He just wanted to comfort Bucky, but he also wanted to stay angry.

His tone became more gentle, but his voice began to shake, “I’m sorry, Bucky. It’s just… It’s been _weeks._ I didn’t even know if you were still alive…”

A tear fell down his cheek.

“Why did you leave me?”

Bucky looked like he was trying to find something, anything to say, but silence stole his words once again. Steve approached him slowly and opened his arms. Bucky embraced him slowly and hesitantly. His body felt entirely different against Steve’s. His bones protruded, and he felt almost hollow in Steve’s arms.

Bucky began to shake, and Steve held him tighter.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky whispered. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

He kept repeating those words over and over. Steve tried to gently shush him and comfort him, but he just kept reciting it. He became almost robot-like. Steve pulled away a little to see that his face was pained and his eyes were tightly shut. His face looked even worse up close. His cheeks were sunken in, and his eyes had the familiar dark purple circles again.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so–”

Steve kissed him, and this made Bucky go silent. At first he was shocked and his body went tense, but soon he relaxed and leaned into Steve. Bucky’s lips were so soft, just like Steve had always imagined, and his stubble tickled Steve’s face. He didn’t really have any idea what was happening until it was over. They pulled away, and Bucky’s face transformed into one of embarrassment and shock. Steve felt the embarrassment flooding in too.

“Stop apologizing,” he said, trying to sound stern.

Bucky remained silent. Steve wanted so many questions to be answered, but he figured that now was not the time. He couldn’t stay angry, and now he just wanted to help Bucky feel better. He went to the cupboard and filled two glasses with water. After handing one to Bucky, he went back to grab a granola bar.

“Try to eat this, and then in a bit we can make some real food,” Steve said kindly.

Bucky took one bite of the granola bar and set it aside. They sat together on the couch, and Steve pulled Bucky towards him. They stayed there wrapped up together for a long while.

“I love you,” Steve whispered before they drifted off into sleep.

* * *

 

Steve woke up in the morning. The familiar dread of another day started to set in before he remembered that Bucky was with him. His spirits immediately lifted, and Bucky raised his head from Steve’s chest. He had been waiting for Steve to wake up.

Steve bent his neck to kiss the top of Bucky’s head.

“Breakfast?” he asked.

Bucky nodded.

Bucky showered as Steve made pancakes. He didn’t have any clean clothes in his little duffel bag, so Steve lent him a pair of sweats and a t-shirt.

Bucky grabbed a single pancake to start, and he barely made it through. He looked a little sick afterwards and didn’t reach for another. After they cleaned up, Steve’s phone rang. He had forgotten that Natasha was supposed to pick him and Hope up this morning.

“Hey Nat,” he answered.

“Hey I’m outside,” she said.

“Uh, actually I think we might have to cancel today,” Steve said.

“Why? Is everything ok?”

Steve took a deep breath, “Bucky’s back, Nat.”

There was a silence before Natasha replied.

“That’s good, right?” she asked carefully, but Steve could tell she was excited and confused.

“Yeah,” Steve smiled, “that’s good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just get some hugs now?
> 
> Also sorry it was a shorter chapter! I'm flying home today so I'll finally be able to start writing a lot more again!!


	35. In Sickness And In Health

The two of them sat on the couch together, mostly in silence. Although having Bucky back was almost surreal for Steve, he couldn’t help but be emotional. He continued to tear up and cry and then calm down again. This cycle lasted for the majority of the morning. He still wasn’t sure whether to feel happy or angry, and the feeling of Bucky tucked into his chest only confused him more. He wished it could be like before, where Steve only had to worry about Bucky’s recovery, but now he felt like he had to always be on edge, waiting for Bucky to disappear again or making sure he wasn’t struggling more than he was letting on. All the worry was already wearing him out. He didn’t want to admit it to himself, he felt unbelievably selfish, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted this. If only things could go back to the way they were before he left.

Bucky’s breathing was shallow and weak. It didn’t seem to Steve that he was panicking or upset, but rather his health seemed extremely poor. He was all skin and bones, and it was adding even more fear to Steve’s list.

“Buck?” he whispered with his head resting on top of Bucky’s. He was securely tucked against Steve’s chest, his body protected by Steve’s arms. He was clinging to Steve’s shirt like a child, with it wadded up in each fist.

Bucky looked up, and his hollow eyes made Steve’s words catch in his throat.

He managed to continue, “I want to be with you… Forever, I think. I just need to know now if that’s not what you want too.”

Steve took even himself by surprise. Was this him being selfish yet again? This wasn’t a light topic. He was putting Bucky on the spot, forcing him to make a very tense and important decision. He felt stupid, and all of the sudden wished he hadn’t asked.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t put that on you. All the emotion is getting to my head, I think,” Steve said, “Truth is, I felt broken without you here. I’m so glad to have you back now, and I just worry I might lose you again. I don’t know what to do or think, so forgive me if I say such silly things.”

Bucky’s eyes changed, and all the sudden he looked like he wanted to cry. He tugged at Steve’s shirt a little in an effort to pull himself up toward Steve’s face. When he was able to reach, he nuzzled his head against Steve’s cheek, and Steve hugged him tighter. Bucky rested his head in the crook of Steve’s neck, and he could feel tears start to soak through the fabric on his shoulder. Every now and then he would feel Bucky shake a little, but he mostly just cried in silence.

* * *

“Would you like some tea?” Steve asked as he stood from the couch and walked toward the kitchen area. He didn’t even look back to see Bucky’s reply. He just pulled out two mugs and started heating water. Winter was finally in full swing, and the chill from the outside was always creeping in to Steve’s apartment. He had pulled more blankets out, and Bucky was currently wrapped in a soft green one.

As Steve turned the burner on and set the kettle atop it, he heard a soft sound.

“Steve?”

He turned now and saw Bucky looking up at him from the couch with tears in his eyes.

Steve walked back to the couch and sat beside his frail friend.

“I didn’t leave because I don’t love you…” Bucky said in a whisper.

“I know, Buck,” Steve replied gently.

“I left–” his voice failed him, and he went silent again.

Steve felt a lump in his throat, “You don’t have to explain yourself to me. As much as I don’t understand how you must feel all the time, I do try to understand how hard and scary all of this new life is for you.”

Bucky looked down at the ground and leaned over, resting his head on Steve’s shoulder. They sat in silence while the water heated, and Hope came over to rest her head in Bucky’s lap. He scratched behind her ears, just like she used to love. Her tail swept back and forth across the floor, and she eventually laid down at his feet.

Just then, a thought came to Steve, “Dr. Baumann would like to know you’re o–”

Bucky shook his head and looked up at Steve.

“I don’t want to go there,” he whispered, dropping his eyes to the floor.

“Ok, Bucky. It’s ok,” Steve hugged him as he began to shake, “It’s ok you can stay here with me.”

The water was boiling, and Steve got up to pour them tea. Bucky followed him to the counter limping heavily, a blanket still wrapped around him.

“I got new tea, it’s peppermint. Would you like to try it?” Steve asked.

Bucky nodded his head, and so Steve got out two teabags and started steeping them.

Steve’s phone buzzed. It was a text from Natasha.

_How’s Bucky? If you need anything, let me know._

Steve replied saying that Bucky was ok, and that he didn’t need anything just yet. When he looked up from his phone, Bucky was watching him suspiciously.

“It was Natasha,” Steve told him. “She’s just making sure everything is ok.”

Bucky’s face relaxed, and he almost looked a little sad. Steve wanted to tell Bucky about Bruce. He thought it might be good for him to come have a look at Bucky. Just a check up to make sure he was healthy. Plus, he was pretty sure Bucky would like Bruce.

“Hey, would it be ok if we have Bruce Banner over for a little while?” he asked, catching Bucky a little off guard. “He’s been a good friend to me over the last few months, and he can make sure you’re physically healthy.”

Bucky stared at his feet, unmoving.

“Please, Buck. I don’t want anyone to analyze you. I just need to make sure you don’t need anything more than three meals and love. And I’d love you to meet Bruce. He’s extremely kind.”

Bucky hesitated for a good while before agreeing.

* * *

 

Steve called Bruce. He had recently been working even closer to Steve, and so the drive was only about a half hour. He seemed skeptical but happy at the news of Bucky’s return and agreed to come down. He also agreed to check on Bucky’s physical wellness.

While they waited for Banner, Steve talked about everything that had happened in the last few weeks. He talked about how Hope had grown fond of Bruce, and how Natasha had been called back into work alongside Sam occasionally. She was always complaining about how her vacation was over. He told Bucky about new movies that had come out and which ones were good. It was just like the hospital days again. Bucky listened with interest as Steve drawled on about anything he could think of.

Just as he was explaining the plot of one particularly bad movie, there was a knock at the door. Steve knew Bucky was trying to act calm, but he could sense the uneasiness. He told Bucky that he could stay on the couch if he’d like, but Bucky stood and hovered near the center of the room, eying the door.

Steve turned and opened the door. Bruce smiled and greeted Steve in his usual warm voice. Steve asked him to come inside and introduced Bucky. Bruce seemed to understand the signals that Bucky was giving off, because he didn’t try and shake his hand or come too close to him.

“Hello Bucky, I’m Bruce. Steve has been kind enough to help me stay sane in the midst of all the research I’ve been doing lately.”

Bucky couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact with Bruce, and Steve hoped that this wasn’t too much for him. Hope stood from her bed and ran to Bruce, enjoying the scratches she was getting from him.

“Would you like something to drink?” Steve offered.

“Just water, thank you,” Bruce answered.

At Steve went to fill a glass with water, Bruce turned back to Bucky and took a moment to observe the state of him. He was malnourished for sure, probably recovering from dehydration and lack of sleep as well.

“Bucky, is it ok if I ask you a few questions? You can just nod yes or no.”

Bucky didn’t respond. Steve began to worry that this would be very difficult.

“Buck, it’s ok. I know you’re uncomfortable, but we need to do this to make sure you’re ok. Bruce won’t ask you any questions that are intrusive. This is purely a check on physical wellness,” Steve tried to reassure him.

Bucky looked terrified, but he gave a tiny nod of his head.

“Good, thank you Bucky,” Bruce said kindly. “Now to start off, have you been feeling dizzy or had headaches?”

Bucky nodded.

“Ok, now have you been sleeping on average less than four hours a night?”

Another small nod.

“Did you have access to at least two meals a day, on average?”

Bucky hesitated and then shook his head a little.

“Have you frequently vomited or felt nauseous?”

Bucky shook his head and then tilted it, nodding slowly.

“Ok, Bucky, you’re doing great. Just a few more,” Bruce encouraged him. “Do you have any open wounds or places that hurt?”

Bucky gave such a tiny nod that it was hard to see.

“Can you show me where?”

Bucky hesitated before lifting the right leg of his sweatpants. His ankle was very noticeably swollen. The whole area was tinted purple and blue. Steve’s stomach felt uneasy. What had Bucky been doing while he was away?

Bruce asked in his kindest voice if he could get a closer look. Bucky tensed, but nodded slowly.

“I’m just going to touch your ankle to feel for any broken bones,” Bruce tried to be as vocal as possible so as not to scare Bucky.

He tenderly touched Bucky’s ankle, and Bucky’s entire body went rigid. Steve walked to his side to try and put him more at ease.

“It’s ok, Bucky. It’s ok,” Steve said to him.

Bruce moved his hands and lightly applied pressure in certain places. Bucky cringed.

“Well, I think it’s just a sprain,” Bruce said with a gentle smile. “Try putting some ice on it. The swelling might be around for a good four weeks, but if there is any severe or unusual pain, then it would be best to have it x-rayed. I’m ninety percent sure there’s nothing broken though, so that’s just a last resort. Also, your stomach is probably rejecting food simply because you haven't been getting enough. It will get better as you fix your eating schedule.”

Bruce smiled and stepped away from Bucky, “Thank you for letting me see it.”

Steve thanked Bruce, and he stayed a while longer to talk with Steve. Bucky listened in on their conversation, not uninterested. By the end of Bruce’s visit, Bucky seemed a lot more relaxed.

“See?” Steve said to Bucky after Bruce left. “He’s a really nice guy.”

Bucky gave a small smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What happened to Bucky in his time away???
> 
> Leave comments!


	36. A Growing Family

Steve almost asked Bucky if he wanted to go on a walk with Hope before he remembered about his ankle. Bucky now sat on the ground, Hope’s head on his lap. He looked up at Steve and pointed to her shoulder.

“Oh her prosthetic?” Steve remembered that it was stuffed away in the back of his wardrobe. He dug through the clothes until he found the metal leg.

“Hey I have to show you! Hope got a new jacket. It helps her stay warmer in the winter,” Steve said, also pulling out the little green army vest.

Bucky’s eyes lit up, and he reached for Hope’s jacket. When Steve handed it to him, he admired it, giggling a little at how cute it was. He made Hope sit up so that he could fix it onto her. Hope had learned to love the vest. She wore it almost every time that Steve and Nat or Bruce or Sam took her out. Her tail wagged in excitement.

Bucky wrapped her arms around Hope and laughed as she licked his cheek. The sight of them reunited made Steve’s heart flutter.

* * *

Shortly after dinner, Steve took out the garbage. The dumpster was behind the apartment building adjacent to the little parking lot. It was dark and so cold outside that he could see his breath.

He swung the trash bag up and over the edge of the bin and turned to hurry back inside. He was stopped abruptly by a tiny blur speeding by in front of him. He almost tripped over it, and was startled by the awful sound it made. It was dark out, but Steve could tell it was a cat. He looked under the stack of boxes where it ran. Realizing he needed a light, he pulled out his phone and shined it at the boxes. There were two glowing eyes looking back at him, and he called softly to the cat. It was growling and hissing and making all sorts of retched noises, but he didn’t want to give up. The cat must have been so cold, and likely wouldn’t survive long outside in this weather.

He slowly reached out to the cat, which was cornered in a box. It squished up against the cardboard behind it in an effort to avoid Steve’s touch. When he made contact with the cat, he tried to grab it quickly, but didn’t manage to escape the vicious claws. He cringed and yelled out but didn’t let go.

Soon he had the tiny cat in his arms. It was pretty helpless against Steve’s strength, although he was being gentle, and thankfully it realized that quickly. Its body relaxed once it understood that Steve was not trying to harm it. Steve scratched the cat’s head gently, and soon the little furball began purring. He was surprised at how friendly it was after being out on the streets starving. Maybe all it wanted was love and warmth.

The cat was all skin and bones, and its fur was matted and greasy. Steve carried it back inside, and in the light he could see it was a brown tabby with white paws and long hair. As he carried it up the stairs, he wondered how Hope would react. Hopefully this wasn’t a bad decision. He couldn’t just let the cat freeze and starve.

He opened the door to his apartment, and Bucky was waiting near the center of the room. His eyes went straight to what Steve was holding. He held out the cat for Bucky to see.

“I found it in the alley. I didn’t want to leave it,” Steve explained.

Bucky approached slowly and reached out to touch the cat. It didn’t shy away, in fact, it leaned into Bucky’s hand when he touched its head.

“We should wash it and try to work out some of these mats,” Steve suggested.

Bucky nodded and reached out in a way that said he wanted to hold the cat. Steve handed it over, quite confident in Bucky’s cat-handling skills. He had proven himself that day back at the shelter. Bucky hugged the kitten close to his chest and leaned his head down to press his lips to its face.

Steve ran the water in the bathroom sink until it was warm. They carefully bathed the cat, who surprisingly didn’t mind the water. In fact, it seemed to enjoy the warmth. They tried to work out some of the mats, but the worse ones they ended up carefully cutting out. After a towel-dry, the cat’s fur puffed out in all directions. It looked rather funny considering the hair was patchy since they had to cut out at least five mats. Steve couldn’t decide if this made the cat uglier or cuter.

They discovered that the cat was a girl, and Steve offered the name Artemis. Bucky agreed quickly with a smile.

When they first made an effort to introduce Artemis to Hope, Hope seemed rather avoidant, but not aggressive. Artemis seemed plenty friendly towards Hope. Steve made one more run outside to fill the bottom of a short cardboard box with dirt. This would have to do for a litterbox for the night. They introduced it to Artemis, and she seemed to take to it well.

Bucky spent the next two hours holding and petting the new family member.

“At this rate, I’m going to need a bigger apartment,” Steve joked.

* * *

 

When Bucky finally laid down in bed, Artemis curled up to his side and began dozing off in the comfort of her new friend.

Steve laid on the couch, and Bucky turned out the light. After several minutes passed by, there came a voice in the dark.

“I don’t remember everything.” The voice was Bucky’s. Steve wanted to let him talk, and he listened intently as Bucky continued, “I remember leaving the hospital, but it’s like I wasn’t acting on my own. I was suddenly terrified, so scared that I left in a hurry. My body was moving for me. I felt like I was back in the Soviet lab, and I couldn’t make sense of things. I just went with my first instinct: run.”

Bucky’s voice was quiet and shaking, and Steve wanted to hug him, but he stayed quiet.

“I remember going outside into the cold. I remember running. I don’t remember where. The fear was overwhelming. I ran for miles. Everything was a blur. I woke up in an unfamiliar place, and I–” he paused. His voice began to fail him, but he took a breath and continued, “I hurt someone… They tried waking me, I think they thought I was dead. They shook me, and I think I forgot who I was. I hurt them. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it…”

Steve felt a lump forming in his throat, “Buck…”

Bucky breathed and kept talking before Steve could say more. His voice was barely audible, “I ran again. I didn’t know what to do, so I ran. I don’t remember… Think I tried to hurt myself… I wanted to be gone. I wanted it to be over. There was so much pain. I was forgetting. I couldn’t think. I– I was going to do it.”  
  
Steve couldn’t keep the tears away. This is what he had feared most. He stood from the couch and made his way to the bed.

“I can’t remember much. I’m so scared. What if I hurt more people?” Bucky’s voice was quivering so much. “There was a man. He stopped me, I hurt my ankle running from him. I didn’t know what was happening. I–”

Bucky cringed and grabbed his head, he wasn’t making a whole lot of sense, but he was probably more confused than Steve. His breathing was growing heavy, and the way he grasped his head made it appear that he was in pain. Steve flicked the lamp back on and sat on the edge of the bed.

“I don’t know who I am anymore!” he yelled in an awful and hoarse voice, taking Steve by surprise. He began violently crying and grabbing at his own hair. His fists were clenched so tight that his knuckles turned white. He began rocking himself back and forth. Steve wanted to hug him, but he wanted to be careful.

“Bucky. You’re Bucky. You’re here with me, Steve. It’s going to be ok, Bucky. It’s going to be ok,” Steve said gently as he reached out slowly to pull Bucky towards him. He cupped Bucky’s hands in his own, and tried to gently pull them open.

Bucky’s whole body shook, and his words had finally failed him once again.

“It doesn’t matter, Buck. None of that matters now. You are here with me. You are safe. I am safe. I love you, Bucky. I’m not going to let anything happen to you ever again.”

At those words, Bucky’s hands relaxed just enough to release his hair. Steve gently guided his hands to his chest, cupping them together. He reached his arms around Bucky’s shoulders and hugged him tenderly.

Bucky’s shaking did not cease. They sat there like that for about an hour before he could finally calm down. When he did, he looked extremely worn out. Eventually, sleep overcame him. Steve stood and laid Bucky gently down on his pillow. He then pulled a blanket over him, and went back to the couch.

Steve spent a good while just trying to imagine what Bucky had gone through. The things that he could remember were bad enough. What happened to him that he couldn’t remember? Steve had a bad feeling about it all, but he was too tired to keep dwelling on it tonight. Sleep took him shortly after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KITTY CAT :D
> 
> What do you guys think happened to Bucky that he couldn't remember?
> 
> I know what happened lol... (Sorry that was rude, you'll find out, I promise)


	37. A Very Curious Email

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, I intended this chapter to be longer, but an emergency came up and I had to cut it short.

In the morning, Steve woke to Artemis standing on his chest. The second he opened his eyes, she meowed loudly at him. The meow caused Bucky to stir as well. Bucky sat up in sleepy confusion, his hair looking especially messy. Artemis meowed again in a very demanding tone. Steve reached up to pet her in an attempt to satisfy, but she just meowed again.

Steve was perplexed as to what she wanted, but Bucky stood out of bed and walked to the fridge. He opened the door and pulled out a small piece of leftover chicken. As he walked over to Steve and Artemis, he began unwrapping it and shredding off little pieces. He offered them to Artemis with a flat palm, and she didn’t hesitate to start chewing away at the food. She purred as she ate, and Steve just stared on with wonder about Bucky’s ability to understand her.

“So she was just hungry,” Steve said, “makes sense.”

Bucky smiled at the tabby, and sat by her as she finished a good portion of the chicken. He then went to the kitchen again and filled a little paper bowl with water. She was thirsty as well, and Steve felt bad for not getting her these things the previous night.

“We should probably make a stop by the pet store today. She needs a litterbox and some real cat food, among other things,” Steve said.

Bucky nodded in agreement, and his eyes stayed fixed on the cat.

After a while, Hope finally got up and wandered over to her own water bowl. Artemis saw her and trotted right up to her. It surprised Steve how comfortable Artemis was with a dog. Hope jumped a little and backed away when she saw the tabby approaching. She went to her bed and curled up, keeping her eyes on Artemis.

Artemis wasn’t one to give up, though, because she just followed Hope straight to her bed, and without hesitation, curled up next to her on it. Hope looked paralyzed. Her ears were folded back nervously, and she looked up at Steve and Bucky as if to say _help._

“Aw, she’ll get used to the cat soon enough. As long as neither of them are aggressive, everything will turn out ok,” Steve said. “Artemis seems to be a very outgoing cat.”

Bucky chuckled softly.

* * *

After Steve showered, he looked through the fridge for breakfast.

“We don’t have any eggs,” he said to himself, “so cereal it is.”

Bucky was now showering, and so Steve went to his computer as he waited. When he opened his email, he saw something that intrigued him: an email from Nick Fury. He clicked on it.

_Steve,_

_We should get lunch sometime._

_Nick_

Odd. Fury never emailed anyone unless it was work-related. But Steve felt like he knew him well enough to know that there was a lot more than what met the eye. Nick needed to talk. Steve prayed there wasn’t something crazy going on that would mean he had to go off on a mission right now. He didn’t want to leave Bucky. Everything seemed peaceful. There had been no major catastrophes on the news, and Steve felt it odd that anything would be going on right now.

Normally one would reply with an email, but again, Steve knew Nick well enough to know that the email wasn’t a friendly suggestion, it was a pre-warning. Nick was going to show up soon enough on his own. At least Steve was prepared for that now.

* * *

Bucky came out of the shower all dressed in a fresh pair of clothes lent to him.

“Maybe we should go shopping today too,” Steve said to him.

Steve noticed that Bucky’s limp wasn’t as prevalent today.

“Hey, how’s your ankle?”

Bucky sat on the desk chair and lifted his pant leg. Steve was in awe. The bruising was still there, but the swelling had gone down by half. With the amount of bruising that was still there, he couldn’t have gotten it more than a week ago. It was already healing? _Well, Bucky is a super soldier after all… just like me._ Steve thought to himself.

“Do you think it would be too much of a hassle to come with me to the pet store? I’ll ask Nat to come along, and if she gives us a ride, then you won’t have as much walking to do,” Steve offered to Bucky.

Bucky nodded in agreement.

* * *

Steve called Nat shortly after breakfast. She picked up on the second ring. He asked her if she wanted to accompany them to the pet store, not yet telling her about the cat.

She promptly agreed and said she’d be there within the hour to pick them up.

Sure enough, she was there in a little over twenty minutes. Bucky hobbled down the stairs and out to her car. When she saw him, she was a little taken aback by how rough he looked. He still looked a lot better than the first day after a little sleep, food, and a lot of water.

She greeted him cheerfully, nonetheless, and she greeted Steve next. Steve climbed into the front seat, and Bucky into the back.

Nat chatted away for the entire seven-minute car ride. She seemed to be in an exceptionally good mood today. Steve looked back and saw Bucky smiling a bit at the latest news of Luna.

When they arrived at the store, Steve walked to the cat section. Nat followed him, looking suspicious.

“What are you doing?” Natasha asked as Steve picked up a bag of cat food to examine the nutrition facts.

“Oh, we have a cat now too. Found it on the street last night in the cold,” Steve was trying to sound casual. He knew what was coming.

“You guys have a cat now?” Natasha began laughing a bit, “Oh my god, you really are husbands.”

Steve blushed and tried to look focused on the cat food. Bucky came over to the aisle, limping ever so slightly. Natasha looked at him, smiling.

“What’s his name?” she asked, turning back to Steve.

“ _Her_ name is Artemis.”

Natasha made a girlish squealing sound under her breath, “I need to see her.”

Steve set the cat food back down. He would come back to grab it after they found the other things they needed: a cat bed, food bowls, a litter box…

Bucky had wandered off with Natasha, and Steve walked toward the front of the store. Something outside caught his eye. A man staring in through the store window, looking straight at him.

Nick Fury.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think Nick wants???
> 
> Talk to meeee <3


	38. A Not-So-Friendly Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally broke 50,000 words! How did I even get this far???   
> It's all thanks to you guys, though. You're comments keep me going! <3

Steve had expected this, but a lump still formed in his throat. What would Nick want? Even if he hadn’t known about Bucky before, he would have seen them all enter the pet store together. He just hoped this wasn’t about Bucky, but he knew that was an empty prayer.

Steve texted Natasha before walking out the door.

_Fury is here. I’m going to talk. Stay with Bucky in the store._

“Captain,” Nick said almost too casually, beckoning Steve to follow him to a more private alleyway.

“What is this about?” Steve was a little embarrassed about the clear irritation in his voice.

“Look, I’m not here to make enemies. I’ve known about Barnes for a while, and I tried, Steve. I really tried to leave well enough alone. I figured you had it under control, and just like Paul McCartney said, I let it be.”

“So now you can’t anymore? Is that what this is?” Steve was becoming more and more hostile. He was protective of Bucky, and he wasn’t going to let Nick Fury anywhere near him. He liked the man, but he didn’t trust him.

“I just need you to be on the same page.” He said, emphasizing each word.

“And what page is that?”

“You need to know what happened to your little friend while he was away,” said Fury.

Steve’s stomach twisted. So it had been more than some time to figure things out. He was mad at himself for letting Bucky escape. He was terrified to know what really happened. He wanted to walk away right now. Maybe it would be better to not know at all.

“I have been keeping tabs on him ever since we realized you found him–”

“Which means you’ve been spying on me too. Good to know I’m trusted, Nick. Real good.”

Nick continued as if he hadn’t been interrupted, “It took us a while to find him after he disappeared. In fact, we didn’t find him until he came back to you. After that, we were able to piece together to figure out what he had been up to.”

Steve turned his head to look away. He didn’t ask for this knowledge. He didn’t want it.

“Barnes found one of the last remaining branches of Hydra. Even after the helicarrier incident, they are still out there, like rats,” He wrinkled his nose in disgust. “He found their headquarters. It was a bloodbath. Forty-three men were massacred in a matter of minutes. No survivors.”  
  
Steve was starting to feel dizzy. He reached out for a wall to grab onto, and his hand met the cool brick.

“Although the enemy of my enemy might indeed be my friend, this proves that Barnes is not ‘under control’. Any man who can slaughter that many dangerous people without a single scratch is a weapon. Even that term is being generous. If it wasn’t Hydra we were talking about, I might even use the word _monster.”_

Steve wanted to lash out at Nick. He wanted to yell at him, to object, to claim that Bucky was an innocent and harmless man. But he had no justification for this…

The reality of what happened hit him like a punch to the gut. Bucky Barnes. Sure he had attacked Hydra, but what really differentiated those actions from the actions of the Winter Soldier? _No. Why is he thinking like this? Bucky is a good man. Bucky needs to be protected._ Steve’s vision was blurry. He felt unstable on his feet. His friend, the love of his life, a murderer?

_NO._

He was so confused; the world was spinning. He was thinking thoughts that he didn’t want to think. He couldn’t catch his breath. The ground shifted below him, and he felt a dull pain in his hip.

Darkness.

* * *

Nick was standing over him when he came to. He didn’t offer Steve a hand.

“Bucky is dangerous, Steve. I don’t care how much you care about him. He needs to be under control,” Nick said sternly.

Steve rubbed his hip where he hit the asphalt, “I am not letting you near him. He is a good man, and I don’t have reason to believe your accusations. You yourself said you pieced this together afterwards. What makes you so sure this was him?”

“Any crime scene can be wiped clean of evidence, but that doesn’t mean they always are,” Nick answered.

Steve lowered his head to the ground. He couldn’t win. Fury was simply too stubborn.

“Just leave him be. Please. He’s better off with me,” Steve said in a quiet, pleading voice.

“Clearly,” Fury said.

“I mean it. He wasn’t with me when he snapped; he was alone. Leave him with me and I can keep him, and everyone else, safe.”

Nick sighed in frustration, “I can’t let that happen, Steve, I just can’t. It’s my duty to keep people safe, and if that means putting Barnes away, then that’s what has to be done.”

Steve looked up with a glare so sharp that it made Nick uneasy, “You want to keep people safe? Maybe you should work on finding the rest of Hydra. They hurt people. They used to use Bucky to kill people. Bucky is mine now. He took out an entire hydra base, so is he really hurting society? Cause it sounds to me like he just did everyone a whole lot of good.” Steve couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of his mouth. He would never say anything like this on a normal day.

His words were harsh and Fury looked taken aback. For the first time in this conversation, Fury hesitated to reply.

“That’s not the point, Steve,” he spoke in a more defensive voice. “The point is what he is _capable_ of.”

“We are all capable of that. You going to lock us all away?”

Bingo. Nick looked defeated. He knew he wasn’t getting through to Steve.

“If he so much as bumps into an old lady on the street, I’m coming for him,” Nick said. “Don’t test me, Rogers.”

And with that, he turned to leave. He was very visibly angry, and even Steve felt a little upset. He hung around in the alley for a moment before heading back inside. All this time he thought that Bucky was being left alone, unmonitored. He guessed they had good reason to keep an eye on him, but they just didn’t know him as well as Steve did.

* * *

He walked back down the aisle where he saw Bucky and Natasha. There was an area with little cages stacked on top of each other. A table was also set up, and it had a banner that said _Humane Society_. They were having a special adoption event today in the store. Each of the cages had a cat inside except one… which was empty because Bucky was currently holding the cat. He was sitting on the floor cross-legged with it in his lap. The cat had both front paws up on his chest, and it was rubbing its head on Bucky’s neck. Natasha was standing nearby giggling. Bucky heard Steve coming before he even rounded the corner.

“We just got a cat, so we can’t take that one home too,” Steve said in a very parent-like voice.

“Awww but it’s a match made in heaven, Steve, look at them,” Natasha whined.

“No,” Steve giggled, “We barely have room for the four of us right now.”

Bucky did his best to look visibly sad, but Steve knew he was doing it to joke with him.

“Did you two find the rest of the stuff we need for Artemis?” Steve asked.

Natasha shook her head, “We’ve been here the whole time.”

After Steve finally got them to give the cat back, they gathered the rest of the items they needed. Nick’s conversation was still bothering Steve, but he was trying extra hard to push it to the back of his mind. They gathered a littler box, litter, cat food, two bowls, a green collar with a bell, and two little toys.

When they went to pay, Steve recognized the cashier. It was the blue-haired girl that had been here the day he first got Luna. The girl clearly recognized him too.

“Your family grows every time you step foot in this place,” she giggled when he put down all the items for her to scan.

He didn’t know if she was referring to the two other people with him or the evidence of getting a new cat. Regardless, he laughed and began telling her about Artemis. The girl gasped and got a little teary-eyed when he told her about the rescue from the boxes by the dumpster.

He thanked her, and the three of them carried all of the items out to the car. Steve knew that Natasha wasn’t going to let them go without seeing Artemis and Hope, so when they got back to the apartment, Steve told her to park in the parking lot out back and come inside with them.

When she first saw Artemis, she almost had heart failure. She knelt down and reached her hand out. Artemis, being the outgoing cat she was, didn’t even take the time to sniff her fingers. She just rubbed her head on Nat’s hand, and Nat moved closer to begin petting her fur.

“Her fur is soft, but it’s so patchy!” Nat said.

“We had to cut a lot of mats out when we gave her a bath last night,” Steve replied.

Natasha nodded, turning back to the cat. Soon enough, Artemis was in her lap and purring loudly. Steve got them all some water, and poured out a bowl of food for the cat. When he set it down for her, she got straight to eating.

Nat continued to sit be her side and adore her, not wanting to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun writing Nick Fury! :)
> 
> Leave comments!!


	39. A Rough Night

For the next week, Steve wasn’t able to go anywhere without feeling like his every step was being watched. The Hydra base was constantly on his mind. He wanted to ask Bucky about it, but he didn’t know if that was a good idea. Bucky had claimed he didn’t remember anything, and maybe triggering that memory would be dangerous. Also, Bucky was beginning to seem very happy again. Steve wished he didn’t have so much responsibility. Why couldn’t things go back to the way they were when they were kids? Before they were supersoldiers or had witnessed the horrors of war… So carefree.

Steve looked up at Bucky, who was currently asleep on the couch. It was midday, but Bucky had slept fairly restlessly the previous night. Steve had awoken to him having a nightmare again. Bucky had been shaking violently and breathing harshly, but thankfully Steve was able to safely wake him up before it got any worse.

He watched Bucky as he slept. He was so beautiful…

Steve pulled out his sketchbook, and began drawing Bucky as he lay. He was on his side, facing the room, with one hand under his cheek and the other stretched over his head. His fingers dangled off the edge of the couch, just barely meeting the fur on Hope’s shoulders. Everything was quiet and peaceful. Bucky’s chest moved ever-so-slightly with his breathing, and every once in a while he would let out the smallest snoring sound.

As Steve sketched, his eyes darted rapidly from the paper to Bucky and back again. His hand worked quickly in short strokes. He liked his preliminary sketches to be messier. After becoming frustrated with the face portion, he tried again, this time just drawing from the shoulders up.

Bucky slept for longer than Steve expected, and so he found things to pass the time until he woke.

* * *

The night had grown long. Bucky barely began to get tired again around 1am, due to the long nap he had earlier.

As Steve lay on the couch in the dark, he found himself wishing that he had a bigger bed. How nice would it be to sleep next to Bucky? It would be warmer for sure – the apartment was freezing.

He drifted off to sleep quickly, only to snap awake again only two hours later. He nearly fell off of the couch when he saw a dark figure standing next to him. He jumped up and almost took a swing at the man, until he realized it was Bucky. Bucky didn’t seem all there at the moment, like he was sleepwalking.  
  
“Bucky?” Steve whispered as quietly as possible. He knew you shouldn’t try and wake somebody when they sleepwalk. He simply tried to guide Bucky back to the bed. He climbed back under the covers slowly, and Steve returned to the couch, his heart still racing.

After several minutes of breathing and calming himself, Steve fell into sleep once more.

* * *

Steve was standing in complete darkness. He felt an overwhelming sense of fear, and moments later, a light came on. The light was dim and had a reddish-yellow tint, bathing the entirety of the tiny room in a very eerie color. From the looks of it, he was in an old basement. The walls were concrete and the ceiling was lined with pipes. There was an echo of something dripping, and as Steve’s eyes adjusted, he saw several forms surrounding him, all over the floor. He bent down to get a closer look at one, and he saw a face. The eyes were open and unstaring. The mouth was also hanging open slightly. Steve’s stomach flipped and he jumped up, stepping backwards. But as he took a step back, he tripped over something solid, and his foot got caught in what felt like clothing. He fell, putting his hands out behind him. The landing was the most unpleasant part. It didn’t hurt, but only because his fall was broken by… _bodies._ There was also a slight squishing sound as he fell onto them.

Now the room was starting to come into focus, not as individual details, but as a whole picture. The ground was soaked in blood, along with the bodies. The dripping sound began to make him nauseous. He looked for somewhere to run, but there were no doors or windows. He stood and spun around and around, desperate for a way out.

As he spun around for the third time, he was startled by someone who seemingly appeared out of nowhere. Their face was inches from his own, and it was unmistakable.

Bucky.

Steve felt a difficulty to breathe. It became more intense as he felt something restricting his neck. He began to panic and opened his eyes. The lighting was different now, but Bucky Barnes was still inches from him, his hands wrapped around Steve’s neck. Steve felt the couch underneath him, and knew that this was no longer a dream. This was his apartment, and this was real life.

He kicked and tried to pull Bucky’s arms away from his throat, but his efforts were futile. His body was already growing weak from the lack of oxygen. He tried to get words out, but his voice was almost non-existent.

“Buck–” was all he managed to say in a dry, airy voice.

Just as he was reaching the brink of consciousness, the grip loosened, and Bucky flew backwards, slamming into the opposite wall of the apartment. His breathing was erratic and he pressed his hands over his ears, sinking to the floor.

Steve sucked air into his lungs. His throat felt crushed and mangled. He tried to control his breathing at least a little before rushing to Bucky’s side. He had no idea why he tried to kill him, but based on the way he jumped backwards just now meant that maybe he had been sleepwalking again?

Steve wasn’t sure of anything, including if it was safe to approach Bucky again. He didn’t care though.

He didn’t want to touch Bucky just yet.

“Bucky, Buck. It’s ok, everything’s ok,” he repeated his usual mantra.

The both of them were in tears. Bucky’s eyes were tightly shut, and he was rocking himself back and forth. His ears were covered, so Steve didn’t even know if he was getting through to him.

Having to watch Bucky like this was truly awful. It’s a sight that Steve had wished to never see again after the night in the street so long ago. He wanted to hug Bucky, to hold him and kiss him, but he couldn’t do that right now. Was he supposed to be scared because he just tried killing him? He didn’t feel scared.

Bucky’s eyes shot open, and at the sight of Steve, he began hyperventilating even harder than before. Steve worried that he might pass out.

“Bucky, it’s me, Steve. Look at me. You’re ok, everyone is ok. You didn’t hurt me.”

Bucky snapped his eyes shut again, and he started screaming. It was the most awful sound Steve had ever heard, and it made him want to throw up. Bucky didn’t stop, either. He screamed and screamed. In an effort to calm him down, Steve moved closer to him. _This is a bad idea,_ Steve thought before practically lunging at him to encase him in a giant hug.

The second he made contact, he felt something hit him so hard, that he felt dizzy when he was knocked backwards. The air was knocked out of him, and he struggled to breath once again. He wasn’t sure if Bucky was still screaming or if it was just his ears ringing.

He began to hear several muffled voices outside the door. They were yelling, demanding Steve to open the door. He ignored them for now. He was going to have to stop attracting crowds like this. People were going to think he was a murderer or something.

Thankfully Bucky really had stopped screaming, but now he was just crying violently again. Steve sat in front of him, repeating his usual words over and over again. It wasn’t helping that Steve could notice, but he didn’t quit. After about ten minutes, Steve heard a siren outside, and soon enough, a policeman was banging on the door.

Steve had no choice. He would have to open the door. What if Bucky got scared and attacked him?

“Bucky. Please, please hear me. There’s a policeman at the door. They just want to know that everything is ok. I have to let them in, but I won’t let them touch you. Soon enough they’ll be gone, ok?”

Steve got up and unbolted the door. There was only one policewoman, but all the neighbors were standing around looking concerned, even the ones from other floors had shown up.

“Good afternoon, sir,” the policewoman greeted him. “Some of your neighbors called about some yelling?”

Bucky’s crying could be heard clearly in the background.

“My friend, he’s troubled. He has nightmares, and it’s best if he’s left alone with some time to recuperate,” Steve informed her.

“May I come inside?” She asked skeptically.

Steve nodded and opened the door wide enough to let her in. She came inside, noting that nothing had been ransacked. There was no indication of fighting or physical violence. She approached Bucky, but left about five feet between them.

“Sir, is everything ok?” she asked.

“He’s mute. Steve said,” not sure if she would believe him, “He was in the hospital for a long time, and now he’s staying here, but he still has nightmares as well as severe panic attacks.”

The more the woman watched him, the more she seemed to believe Steve.

“Is he in need of medical attention?” the policewoman asked.

Bucky began breathing harder.

“He’ll be ok. This happens sometimes, and it’s like I said, he just needs some time to calm down.”

The woman looked at Steve, and then back at Bucky. Her eyes softened a little, and she walked back to the door, informing everyone it was ok, and asking them to go back to their own rooms.

She stuck around for a while, but after Bucky’s breathing finally started to slow, she confirmed that everything was ok with Steve and left.

As the door shut behind her, Steve dropped to his knees beside Bucky. 

“Buck?” his breathing was slowed considerably now, and Bucky managed to look up and make eye contact with him.

Steve opened his arms, and Bucky embraced him. Steve kissed his cheeks and his eyebrows and the corners of his mouth. His whole face was wet with tears, and his cheeks were puffy and red.

Steve was thankful that it was over, but he was a little concerned about the murder attempt. He would ask Bucky about it at a later time. Right now he just needed to be here with his friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buck :'(


	40. A Very Grand Idea

_HOLY SHIT!_ Steve woke with a start. The sun was coming through the windows, and Bucky was sitting up in his bed, sketching on a napkin. Steve jumped off the couch and checked the date on his phone. How had he almost forgotten something this important?

He started racking his brain to come up with some sort of strategy. He would need to find a way to have some time alone, or maybe time with Nat? Yes, Nat would be able to help him.

“Good morning!” Steve said hurriedly to Bucky while hustling to the kitchen to pour a cup of coffee.

He bustled around, adding some sugar and cream, and then he paced the room a few times. He was so preoccupied that he didn’t notice Bucky looking at him in confusion with his mouth hanging open. Steve’s energy was radiating off of him as he finally sat on the couch and pulled out his laptop. He started searching ideas, and his fingers clicked away on the keyboard.

About three minutes of rapid typing, clicking, and scrolling took place before Steve finally looked up at Bucky. He was still staring at Steve like he was a madman.

“Oh, uh, hey!” Steve said with a nervous giggle.

Bucky’s eyebrows scrunched together. He was very curious and slightly concerned about why Steve was suddenly so invigorated.

“Oh!” Steve’s voice was louder than usual, and it startled him a little, “breakfast? Um. We have eggs!” Steve jumped off the couch again, closing his laptop and setting it aside. He walked quickly to the fridge and pulled out the carton of eggs.

Bucky stood cautiously from the bed, approaching Steve with concern. Steve was bouncing around, holding his coffee in one hand and eggs in the other. As soon as Bucky came within three feet of him, Steve froze. Bucky reached up and carefully took the coffee out of Steve’s hand, setting it on the counter out of his reach. He then took the eggs and did the same. He patted Steve on the chest, and then bent down to pull out a pan for the eggs.

Steve was taken aback. Did Bucky just take his coffee away from him? He narrowed his eyes and slowly reached for his coffee while Bucky’s back was turned. Bucky quickly spun around and slapped his hand away, then pointed to the couch.

Steve was being sent to time out. Unbelievable.

He sat on the couch and tapped his leg nervously before pulling his laptop back out. Bucky came out of nowhere and closed the lid of his computer, setting that out of reach too. He held up a finger to Steve and then motioned for Steve to take a deep breath in and out.

Ok, maybe Bucky had a point. Steve had been very full of nervous energy, and he needed to relax. He sat back and tried to unwind as Bucky made them breakfast.

 _Seriously though,_ he thought to himself, _how did I almost forget Bucky’s birthday?_

* * *

His birthday was on Friday, exactly three days away. Steve had a good idea for a birthday gift, but there was no way he could have it ready in time. Maybe he could just present the idea to Bucky on his birthday? Ahh, he wished he thought of this earlier.

He needed Nat’s help. Maybe Bucky would enjoy some time to himself too.

“Hey Buck,” He said, getting his attention, “I promised Natasha I would help her with a few things, and I haven’t gotten around to it yet. I was thinking I should go over and help her today while she has some time off.”  
  
Bucky nodded, hesitantly at first, but then with a rather forced smile. He was worried that Steve wanted to be away from him because of what happened last night. Maybe that was why he was acting so strange. Maybe he was afraid of him now…

“Will you be ok here by yourself for a few hours?” Steve’s dream from the previous night flashed back into his mind, making him cringe.

Bucky nodded with another more convincing smile, picking up the new book Steve had given him to read.

“There’s plenty of food for lunch, and you have a key if you wanted to take Hope out.”

Steve was a bit nervous leaving Bucky alone, especially with the recent happenings, but he needed to show him trust, and he needed to make his birthday awesome.

* * *

Steve began heading over to Nat’s house after he got the OK from her. When he got there, she had Luna out in her living room. Steve had spent a lot of time around Luna while Bucky was away, and he had become even more attached to the bunny.

“So what’s up?” Natasha asked, sitting back down on the carpet next to Luna.

“Bucky’s birthday is on Friday, and I have an idea for his gift, but I needed a second opinion.”

Natasha’s face lit up, “Well, spit it out!”

“I want to get us a real house. It doesn’t have to be big, but I think with two animals, some more space would be nice. Thankfully being a superhero pays well.”

Natasha looked so happy she could pass out.

“Obviously I don’t think I’d be able to get a new house in three days, but I could tell him my plan on his birthday,” Steve said, a little disheartened.

“Actually… Hold up,” Natasha said, grabbing her phone. She was looking for something, and then she made a call and put it on speaker.

“Yes darling?” the unmistakable voice came from the phone.

“Tony, I need a favor,” Natasha said.

“Oh, not another jail bail,” Tony said in a whiny voice.

“No! I’m here with Steve. You’re on speaker, by the way, so behave yourself.”

Tony gasped, “Captain Rogers! What a pleasure.” His sarcasm was apparent, as always.

Natasha was getting a little irritated, “Tony, Steve needs a house.”

Tony was a little confused at first, but after they explained everything to him, he informed them that he had several homes around. He agreed to rent the nearest one to Steve for the meantime. Steve ha hoped to buy a house, but being an avenger, especially with Bucky around, maybe settling down in a permanent location wasn’t the best idea anyway.

“Thank you, Tony. I mean it,” Steve said.

That was the one good thing about Tony. Even if he didn’t always get along with or agree with someone, he never hesitated to help out a friend.

“Just take good care of it, and I won’t have to come kick your ass.”

“You couldn’t if you tried, Stark,” Steve replied with a smile.

* * *

Steve and Natasha were overridden with excitement. Natasha wanted to drive them to the new home, since Tony said he could move in as soon as he wanted. When they arrived, they discovered it wasn’t what they had expected… in a good way.

Steve hadn’t wanted a mansion, nor a house with any modern flare. He was a simple man, and this was a simple house. It was located in a less heavily populated portion of town, and so the house had a little bit of breathing space. It was a small two bed, two bath safe house with wooden paneling and a dark brown roof. The plot of land was about two acres in size and covered in trees and grass. All the greenery gave the house quite a bit of privacy. There was a medium-sized wooden shed towards the far right corner of the land. The whole thing was surrounded by a tall wooden fence, and even the driveway had a rickety iron gate. That would make a nice enclosed outdoor space for Hope.

The inside of the house exceeded Steve’s expectations as well. It was furnished like a country home, but without all the cowboy and western trinkets. The furniture was made from dark oak, but still looked very rustic. It was beautiful, but simple at the same time. The couch cushions and bed spreads were varying reds and browns. The kitchen was only partially stocked with emergency foods, but Steve would bring over everything from his apartment. He wanted to leave the emergency foods be.

All in all, the house was perfect. Steve gained a lot of respect for Tony after seeing this home. He felt now that Tony did have something other that the genius-billionaire-playboy-philanthropist inside him.

This was a place that he and Bucky and Hope and Artemis could definitely call home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got me so excited!!! 
> 
> I can't wait for Bucky's birthday :D It'll be so much fun to write! How do you guys think he's gonna react??
> 
> Lowkey sad though because Bucky thought Steve was leaving cause he's scared to be around him...


	41. Shut Up, I Love You

Steve unlocked the door to his apartment. It was just getting to be four o’clock. He saw Bucky laying on the bed facing away from him. He didn’t move to indicate he was awake, so naturally, Steve knew he was awake. If he had been asleep, by instinct he would have woken when he heard the door.

“Hey Buck,” Steve said. He couldn’t keep himself from smiling, but he needed to hide it before Bucky saw. He wanted to keep his surprise on the down-low. He took a moment to force the smile off of his face. “Did you eat lunch?”

Bucky was unmoving. Was he really asleep? Steve walked around the bed so that he could see his face. Bucky’s eyes were open, but they weren’t looking at Steve. They were staring straight ahead as if Steve wasn’t even there.

“Hey,” Steve knelt down so that his head was closer to Bucky’s, “you ok, pal?”

Bucky’s eyes finally shifted up to meet Steve’s. He had been crying. His cheeks were puffy, and his eyes were watery.

“Hey, hey,” Steve leaned in to kiss Bucky’s cheek right at the corner of his mouth, “What’s wrong? I’m here.”

Bucky closed his eyes and buried his face in the pillow. He tried to say something to Steve, but his voice was too muffled to make out.

“What’s that?” Steve asked gently.

Bucky turned his head to face Steve again, “It’s ok if you’re scared of me.”

Steve’s heart sunk, “no. What? What do you mean? I’m not scared of you, not one bit!”

Bucky went silent again. He had probably been rehearsing that line over and over until Steve got back just so that he could get it out. Steve tried to understand, and all at once it hit him.

“Is that why you think I left today?” He asked.

Bucky worked to fight back more tears.

“Bucky, no. That’s not… I didn’t think about how it would seem to you, but I promise, I was leaving for something important, not because I wanted to be away from you.”  
  
Steve realized this might make things worse. He couldn’t tell Bucky why he left, which meant one of two things. One, Bucky would think he hadn’t really gone for something important, or two, he might think Steve didn’t trust him enough to tell him where he had gone. Steve was suddenly frustrated with himself. He couldn’t talk to Bucky about this, but he couldn’t _not_ talk either. Maybe if they talked about the events of the previous night it would put Bucky at ease, but what if it did the opposite?

Steve began talking before he even had anything sorted out to say, “Buck, please, please don’t think I’m scared of you or upset at you or disappointed in you, because I’m not. Last night, that was just sleepwalking. You can’t control your actions when you sleepwalk. When I was little I fell down the stairs sleepwalking, I’m sure you remember that!”

Bucky sniffled, “I almost killed you…”

“Well that wasn’t you, Buck. And that doesn’t make me scared of you or upset at you!” Steve insisted.

Bucky’s chin began quivering as he hugged the pillow tighter.

“Look, if I thought you were some threatening killing machine, would I do this?” Steve leaned down and kissed Bucky’s temple. “Or this?” He kissed his nose. “Or this?” He squeezed himself onto the bed beside Bucky and hugged him.

Bucky was fighting back a smile, but he was failing.

“I don’t care if you throw me out a window next time you sleepwalk! I won’t love you any less!” Steve said with enthusiasm.

Bucky covered his face with his hands.

Steve smiled, “Now are you going to mope all day, or are you gonna come to the book café with me?”

* * *

 

Bucky was noticeably happier as the two of them walked to the bookstore. It was cool outside, and Steve shivered a bit. Bucky held out his hand to Steve. Steve was taken by surprise, but he smiled as he laced his fingers with Bucky’s. How was he always so warm, even on a cold day like this?

When they got to the café, Steve ordered himself a hot chocolate, and Bucky wanted some coffee. Bucky then wandered off into the shelves, quickly finding the book he started last time. Steve also began browsing, and he did find something. A spin-off from _Hamlet_ called _Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead._ He sat down to read it, but he wasn’t really _reading_ it at all. He stared at the pages while he daydreamed about their new house. He figured that because it was already furnished, he could move all of his things from the apartment after he unveiled it to Bucky. Besides, he didn’t even have much to move.

He and Natasha had worked out a plan for Bucky’s birthday. She would stop by at eleven in the morning. They would tell Bucky that they were headed to lunch, but she would drive them instead to the house. She would then spend some time with them to have a mini party for Bucky, and they could cook some lunch there.

Steve was so excited. He wished he could get up and move around, but he had to stay in his seat and pretend to read while he sipped his hot chocolate. He didn’t want to raise suspicion. He picked up the cup to take a drink, and he quickly pulled it away when the burning hot chocolate touched his tongue.   
  
“Ow, ow, shit!” He said in a loud whisper.

Bucky looked up quickly in concern. Steve had only cussed, what, maybe once?

“Careful, it’s hot,” he said to Bucky, now giggling a bit in embarrassment.

Bucky giggled too before he resumed reading. After a while, Steve was finally able to get into the play that he had chosen to read. Time passed quickly, and before they knew it, they had spent two hours reading. Steve looked up at Bucky to see that he was slouched deeply into his big squishy chair. He was really focused on his novel.

“Buck,” Steve whispered.

Bucky looked up with a smile.

“Should we get dinner? It’s getting late.”

Bucky nodded. They put their books back on the shelves, and walked down the street, trying to find a good restaurant.

* * *

They eventually found a place called Down 53 that served comfort foods like burgers and mac n cheese. It wasn’t extremely busy, which was good. The waitress seated them at a dimly lit booth in the far corner. Steve pulled out two menus from the holder by the napkins, and handed one to Bucky.

“Man, a burger sounds great right now, what do you want? I’ll order for you,” Steve said.

Bucky pointed to the spaghetti and meatballs on Steve’s menu.

“Mm great choice. I’ve never been here before, so hopefully it’s good!”

The waitress came back a few moments later, and Steve ordered two sodas and their food.

Steve laid his hands out in front of him on the table when she had gone. He looked around. What a cozy little place. He felt Bucky’s fingers wrap around his own, and looked down. Bucky was looking at him with an extremely gentle smile.

“How did I get this lucky?” Steve said quietly.

Bucky tilted his head slightly to look down at their hands, and he blushed.

“Thanks for coming back to me.” Steve’s voice was a whisper now, “I needed you in my life more than anything else.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 
> 
> BUCKY'S BIRTHDAY IS COMINGGGGGGGGGGG :D


	42. Happy Birthday!

Bucky woke on Friday morning to Steve making breakfast. Bacon was sizzling in the pan, the toaster was out, and he was cracking eggs into a second pan.

“Hey there, sleepyhead,” Steve said with a big smile as Bucky came to the kitchen.

Steve reached over and fixed a few pieces of stray hair. His fingers brushed Bucky’s cheek before his hand dropped to his side again. He stared into Bucky’s eyes for a moment before turning back to the stove.

As he prodded the eggs, two hands came around his sides. Bucky hugged him from behind, and stayed latched there for a solid two minutes. Steve giggled when he tried to turn to the toaster and Bucky wouldn’t let him move.

“Buck, I gotta start the toast,” he chuckled.

Bucky finally let him go and walked across the room to pull over the desk chair. He took a seat and watched Steve bustle around to finish cooking. After the food was done, Steve distributed it evenly onto two plates, and handed one to Bucky.

“Man, how nice would it be to have an actual table,” Steve said, trying not to smile.

Bucky nodded in agreement.

“Not really enough room in here though, especially with Hope and Artemis.”

He was really trying to hold back that smile now. He was so close, only a few more hours, he really couldn’t afford to give away the surprise now.

“Oh hey,” Steve said, “Nat asked us to lunch today, she said she could be by at eleven if it’s ok with you.”

Bucky nodded without hesitation. He was getting pretty comfortable around Natasha, which made Steve happy.

“She also asked if we could bring Hope because she wants a patio seat,” Steve added.

Bucky smiled and finished his breakfast. For most of the morning, they sat around sketching each other over and over. Steve was debating wishing Bucky a happy birthday now, but he wanted to pull the ‘I forgot, but just kidding, I didn’t really forget’ card. When he thought about it, he wasn’t entirely sure Bucky would remember it was his birthday. After seventy years of no one to celebrate with, it would be hard to keep track of. Steve felt a little sad at this, so he tried to focus on the sketching again.

* * *

After some showers and brushing Hope, they were ready to head out. They waited on the curb for Natasha, and she arrived within a few minutes. She was smiling radiantly, and she greeted Hope with extra enthusiasm. Hope licked her cheek and wagged her tail madly when she jumped into the passenger seat.

“I guess Hope gets shotgun today,” Steve laughed and slid into the back seat beside Bucky.

Natasha chatted away to Steve and Bucky, and within a few minutes, they were parking on the curb in front of the new house.

“C’mon Buck,” Steve said, getting out of the car.

Bucky looked extremely confused, and he stepped out of the car hesitantly, reaching for Hope’s leash and helping her out of the car. She was wearing her prosthetic and jacket today. The air was cool but warmer than the last few days had been.

Steve unlocked the iron gate, and opened it. He waved for Bucky to enter.

“Happy birthday, Bucky,” Steve said cheerfully. “Welcome to our new home!”

Bucky was in shock, and he still looked confused. He stopped in his tracks, gazing at the house in wonder. He turned his head to Steve in a questioning manner.

“Yeah, it’s ours, we’re moving in! No more tiny apartment,” Steve said, answering Bucky’s silent questions.

Bucky started to tear up. Someone actually wanted him around… permanently? So this is where Steve had gone that one day. He really didn’t go because he wanted to be away. He was organizing this? And it was his birthday? Steve had remembered all these years, after thinking he was dead, after he almost killed him, after everything…

Bucky was overwhelmed with emotion, and he couldn’t stop the tears.

 Steve approached him, holding his arms open. Bucky collapsed into him, and Steve held him there. Natasha was trying to hold back tears now too, but she wasn’t very successful. Bucky’s legs were weak from all the emotion, and he gripped Steve’s shirt and leaned into his chest to keep from falling.

Hope sat by his feet and whined at him nervously.

“It’s ok, girl,” Steve told her softly, reaching down to pet her head with the arm he wasn’t using to support Bucky with. He then bent his head to look Bucky in the eyes. “It’s ok, yeah?”

Bucky was still crying, but after the sadness went away, his tears became those of joy. He smiled and hid his face in Steve’s chest, nodding excitedly.

Steve smiled, and Natasha covered her mouth with her hands, smiling and crying.

“Want to see inside?” Steve asked.

Bucky nodded and was finally able to support his own weight again. He stood straight and walked slowly up the driveway. He looked all around, his eyes bright and excited.

As they approached the door, Steve reached for the nob and turned it, holding it open for Bucky and Natasha. Bucky stood shyly in the front area.

“Look around as you’d like, it’s our house now!” Steve said to him.

He slowly walked throughout the house, observing the two bedrooms and bathrooms and kitchen and living room. He looked happier than Steve had ever seen him. After he finished the tour of the house, Steve nodded at Natasha and grabbed Bucky’s arm gently.

“As planned!” He shouted, pulling Bucky into the backyard and covering his eyes with his hands. Bucky stiffened a bit, but relaxed again quickly as Steve reassured him.

“It’s ok, it’s just me, Buck. But I can’t let you see yet, Natasha has something she needs a few minutes for. You can’t peek!” Steve said cheerfully. 

A few minutes passed, and Natasha opened the door.

“Ok, I’m ready!” she said.

Steve told Bucky to keep his eyes shut and guided him back into the house. He slowly took his hands away from Bucky’s eyes, “ok, you can look now.”

Bucky opened his eyes. Natasha had decorated with streamers and balloons, all of which she had secretly hidden away in the closet earlier that morning. There was a cake on the table, and the candles were lit.

“Blow out your candles and make a wish!” Natasha piped.

Steve and Nat began singing Happy Birthday. Bucky approached the cake, and just as they sang the last line, he blew out the candles with one blow.

They cheered, and Nat laughed out of joy.

“Oh! I have something too,” Nat said handing Bucky a little package wrapped in blue paper with a green bow. “It’s not a house, but ya know.”

Bucky unwrapped it. It was an empty golden picture frame. He looked a little confused, but smiled out of courtesy.

“Oh, uh yeah I didn’t have a picture to put in it, but we can take one now!” Natasha said.

Bucky looked up at her, shocked.

“I thought it’d be nice if you had something of your own to remind you that even when you have nothing, you have us.”

At first Steve had been a little confused about the empty picture frame, but he couldn’t even imagine how much her words meant to Bucky just now.

Natasha’s gift was simple, yet heartfelt, and Bucky felt like crying again. She was right. He finally had people in his life who cared about him, who valued his feelings and personality. He had lived a whole life not knowing what kindness was, and now he had this.

Natasha held out her phone and motioned them to come over for a photo.

Steve and Natasha stood with Bucky between them. They smiled, but Bucky was still trying to fight back more tears. He did his best to smile when Nat snapped the picture. She clicked on the photo so they could all look at it and give it the OK. All of them looked so happy, especially Bucky. It was a beautiful photo of a beautiful moment.

“I’ll have it printed by tomorrow!” Nat said. “Oh, you two go sit on the couch, and I’ll bring out cake!”

Bucky nodded and they went to the living room next door. They sat close together, and Bucky’s lip started quivering He smiled and laughed in embarrassment as he wiped away a tear.

“Aw it’s ok. I know it’s a lot to take in,” Steve said with a kind smile.

He didn’t expect it at all, but Bucky spoke in a shaky voice, “After I got my own mind back, I couldn’t remember anything. Some things came back slowly, but some things didn’t. I couldn’t remember my birthday. I tried so hard, but I couldn’t remember, and it made me feel like I didn’t exist…” He choked up a little and had to stop.

Steve hugged him gently, “well now you have a birthday, and a family, and friends, and a home, and I love you so very much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to update! Busy day! 
> 
> BIRTHDAY PART II IS COMINGGGGGGG :D


	43. To See Him So Happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who is still reading and commenting. Even when I have bad days, reading your comments and writing this story gives me something to look forward to. You are all wonderful souls and I'm glad my story means so much to someone other than me. <3

Nat came back into the room balancing three plates of cake. Bucky was leaning his head on Steve’s shoulder, but sat up when she handed him his cake.

“So, birthday boy, what’s on the agenda today?” Natasha asked with a smile.

Bucky shrugged and looked at Steve expectantly.

“We should get lunch! We could go out, make food here, order pizza–”

Bucky cut Steve off at the word pizza, nodding quickly and tugging at his arm.

“Pizza it is!” Natasha chirped.

They put in an order for two large pizzas, and finished their cake as Steve went over the plans to move their things from the apartment.

“We can do it first thing in the morning,” he told Bucky. “Of course, we can still sleep here tonight, and Natasha said Clint would let us borrow his truck for moving our things.”

Clint had been around quite a bit in the time that Bucky was missing, but Steve had spent so much time away from Natasha’s house since Bucky came back that he felt like he hadn’t seen Clint in ages.

“How is Clint, by the way?” Steve asked.

Natasha smiled, “He’s good! Been busy with work lately, but you know what they say. Time away makes the heart grow fonder.”

Bucky gave a sad smile. Was that what happened when he left Steve? If only he could remember what happened during his time away… Thinking back on it brought back a familiar fear. What if he had _really_ hurt someone? He hurt that one man that he could remember, but at least it wasn’t bad… He tried to snap out of it and come back to the conversation.

Steve talked over a few more things for the next morning. He was buzzing with excitement about moving in, and his joy was contagious.

“Do you think Hope will enjoy all the new space outside?” Natasha said, getting on the ground to rub Hope’s exposed belly. Hope was happy as could be, and her tail was thumping away on the wooden floor.

“We could find out!” Steve said, practically reading Bucky’s mind.

They all went outside, taking Hope with them. As soon as she got to the grass, she immediately plopped down and started rolling around, rubbing her face into the soft lawn. She was overjoyed to have the fresh air, and she was so goofy that it made the three of them giggle. After she finished rolling around, she got up and started hop-running. The prosthetic worked beautifully, but she never got out of the habit of an exceptionally bouncy run. She was panting heavily and enjoying herself immensely.

Bucky ran out to meet her after she made a full circle of the premises. He collapsed onto the ground and she playfully jumped on him, mercilessly licking his face as he laughed and scratched her coat.

They stayed outside until they saw a car with a Dominos sign pull up to the curb. Bucky looked rather uncomfortable when the young man approached the gate. Natasha ran out to pay him, and Steve walked up beside Bucky. When the delivery boy reached into the black bag, Bucky stiffened, but when he saw it was just two checkered boxes, he relaxed again. Steve figured it was just another habit, worrying about people pulling weapons out. This was their new home now, and it was like a sanctuary for Bucky. Naturally strangers here would make him more uncomfortable than anywhere else.

Natasha paid up and ran back to the door with the pizzas.

“C’mon losers!” she called to them with a smile.

They all sat around the kitchen table. Bucky looked up and smiled at Steve.

“Yeah I know,” Steve said, “it is nice to have a table.”

Natasha smiled too. She thought it was adorable how Steve and Bucky could almost have entire conversations with only a few words. That’s a special type of bond that not many people share. Not even her and Clint.

“Oh hey,” Natasha said to Steve, “how’s Bruce? Have you talked to him lately?”

Bucky paused his chewing.

“Yeah, he came over not too long ago to check up on Bucky. You know, just to make sure everything was ok physically,” Steve felt awkward. “He’s good.”

“Oh, ok. Well good,” Natasha replied. She wanted to ask how it went, Bucky meeting Bruce, but she could sense the awkwardness, so she changed the topic. “I think I’ll head out around five or so. I have to report to work tonight, and I’m sure you guys would like some time to relax anyways.”

They spent the rest of their time together chatting and laughing. Natasha said she would stop by Steve’s apartment to check on Artemis tonight so that they didn’t have to worry. She also said she would be back around eight the next morning to pick them up so they could start moving.

Natasha grabbed her coat and walked towards the door. Bucky quickly moved towards her to get her attention just before she could turn the nob.

“Thank you,” He said slowly in a quiet voice.

She looked shocked. Did he just speak to her? That was the first time she ever heard his voice. It was different than she had imagined, more… gentle. She quickly tried to wipe the astonishment from her face and smiled.

“Oh, Bucky. It was my pleasure!” She said happily.

Steve was lost for words. The fact that Bucky spoke to her… That meant a lot. Like _a lot._ His heart swelled. He was so happy that Bucky was able to feel so comfortable with not only him, but now with his closest friend as well.

He smiled, and for a moment looked like he might hug her, but then he took a step back and waved. She waved back to him, and then to Steve, “Bye bye! Happy birthday!”

And with that, she was gone. 

* * *

 

“Would you like to see a movie or something?” Steve offered to Bucky.

Bucky shrugged and then nodded.

“There’s one out called Leftovers that looks kinda cute,” he said, scrolling down on his phone.

Bucky made a face that said, _sure, why not?_

They took a bus to the theater, and found a good seat in the back row. There were a few other people in the rows in front of them, but the rest of the seats were empty. Steve had bought them some popcorn and a soda to share.

The lights dimmed and the movie started.

About an hour into it, Steve realized that this movie really wasn’t up to his standards.

He leaned over to Bucky, “next time remind me to let you pick the movie.”

Bucky giggled. Steve felt something brush his leg and he looked down. Bucky was holding his hand out, and Steve grabbed it.

After fifteen more minutes, the characters on screen started kissing.

Steve leaned over to Bucky’s ear again and whispered, “Dang, they’re having all the fun.”

Steve then went to kiss his cheek, but Bucky turned so that their mouths met. Steve was pleasantly surprised, and was even more so when the kiss didn’t end within a few seconds.

 _Look at us,_ Steve thought to himself, _a couple of grown men acting like teenagers._

He didn’t care though. He liked it. He liked it a lot. And besides, everyone was far too focused on the movie to notice them in the back.

* * *

 After the movie got out, they walked down the brightly lit street, hand-in-hand.

“That movie,” Steve laughed, “was the best movie I’ve ever seen!”

Bucky giggled uncontrollably and blushed.

They walked slowly, not feeling like they had to be anywhere but in that moment. They passed by a large fountain that was lit up purple. Bucky stood up on the side of it so that he was about a foot taller than Steve. He then bent down at the waist to peck Steve on the forehead. Steve pulled him down from the fountain and kissed him on full on the mouth.

“Holy shit I love you,” he said.

Bucky wasn’t able to reply at the moment, but Steve didn’t care. Everything was perfect. He didn’t need words to know that Bucky loved him back.

They got back to to the house after a while, and it was getting very late. Bucky showered and crawled into the big queen bed in the room farthest from the kitchen. He sat up against the wall with the lamp on. Steve came to the doorway. He wanted to join Bucky and sleep next to him, but he wasn’t sure if this would make Bucky uneasy, so he just stayed put.

“Tonight was lovely, I hope you enjoyed your birthday,” He said, leaning his head on the doorframe.

Bucky smiled and nodded with such genuine happiness in his eyes that it made Steve feel like crying.

“I’ll see you in the morning, then?” he asked.

Bucky held open his arms, so Steve walked over and bent down to hug him.

“Please don’t go,” Bucky whispered in his ear. His voice was a little sad with a hint of fear.

“Oh, Buck,” Steve said, “I’ll stay right here, ok?”

He walked around and crawled into the other side of the bed.

Bucky smiled, his lip quivering a bit.

“I don’t like being alone,” he said.

“Well you won’t ever have to be alone again, ok? I promise.” Steve said in a warm voice.

Bucky turned out the light and reached for Steve’s hand, pulling it up next to his face. Steve could feel his warm breath on his hand as it slowed, and soon Bucky was asleep, his fingers still laced with Steve’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll are getting so spoiled with fluff oh my goodness x) 
> 
> This chapter was hella fun and uplifting to write, though. It's been kind of a shitty day, and I've had a horrible headache all morning.
> 
> Anyways, I'm super happy for these two dorks! <3


	44. A Winter Wonderland

Bucky awoke first in the morning. It was early, and the sun had just come up. Light was pouring in through the cracks in the drapes like shimmering golden liquor. He turned his head to see Steve, still sleeping silently. _Steve._ His savior. His happiness. The love of his life. He reached out to touch Steve’s cheek, and when his fingers brushed against the soft skin, Steve stirred a little. His eyes opened slowly, and when he saw Bucky staring back, he smiled.

“Good morning,” Steve said, his voice quiet and scratchy.

Bucky smiled warmly. This is exactly where he needed to be. This is where he wanted to stay. No more running. He was safe. Finally safe.

He tried moving his foot, and found it blocked by something heavy and warm. Looking down to the foot of the bed, he saw Hope curled up.

Steve looked down too and smiled. “Hey, when did you get up here?”

Hope lifted her head and began wagging her tail a little. Steve sat up, and Hope took this as a cue. She jumped up and scrambled off the bed and froze, staring up at them with a deviously playful look in her eyes. Steve moved his shoulders again, and she spun around and ran out the bedroom door. They could hear her galloping around the house excitedly, and they giggled.

“I think she likes the new house,” Steve said cheerfully.

They got up and ready for the day. They didn’t have all the things they needed like food for breakfast or clothes or toothbrushes, but they did their best to clean up. Nat would be around in a while to pick them up, and they could finish their morning routine at the apartment before packing up their things.

They took Hope outside to play with her. The morning air was chilly, and they could see their breath. It was snowing a bit, but it was just warm enough that the snow didn’t build up on the ground.

“Man this place really is beautiful,” Steve said in awe.

Bucky nodded in agreement.

Soon enough, they heard a loud engine coming down the street, and they saw a dark grey truck with heavily tinted windows pull up to the curb just outside the gate. Natasha rolled down the window and called for them to get in. Steve put Hope in the house and piled in the warm car with Bucky. The drive back to the apartment went by quickly.

When Steve opened the door, he felt a tinge of sadness. This little apartment had been his home for the last two years. It was tiny and dull, but it was his home nonetheless. Of course he was happy to be moving into a real home, but he just felt like he was saying goodbye to a friend.

Him and Bucky finished getting dressed and ready for the day as Nat waited on Steve’s bed. They promptly began packing everything up in the cardboard boxes Natasha brought for them. There really wasn’t much, and it only took them about two and a half hours to get everything packed and loaded into Clint’s truck. Steve gave the now empty room a last once-over, and closed the door for the last time. On to the next stage of his life.

* * *

When they got back to the house, it was snowing more heavily, and temperatures had dropped even more. Snow started collecting on the ground, and there was soon a trail of footsteps going back and forth between Clint’s truck and the front door. Once they got all the boxes inside, Steve started unpacking.

“Bucky, you should help me decide where to put all this stuff! It’s your house too,” Steve said.

Bucky opened a box and pulled out the first item: the picture of him and Steve laughing from back in the nineteen-forties. He held it carefully with both hands, and admired it for a moment. Steve noticed him, and walked around him to look over his shoulder.

“Wow, we looked so young,” Steve said jokingly. They still looked exactly the same except for Bucky’s hair.

Bucky chuckled and then disappeared down the hallway to the bedroom. Natasha helped pull items out from the boxes, and Steve took them and organized them wherever he wanted them to go. Bucky rejoined them soon and helped sort out the kitchenware.

It took longer to unpack than it had to pack, but soon enough, everything was away, and it seemed as though they had been living there for years. Since the house had already been furnished, and because Tony did have some sense of nostalgia, there was a record player in the living room that Steve could finally use to play the vinyl’s he bought a while back.

“Oh!” Natasha exclaimed, “I have your picture, Bucky.”

She ran out to the car and brought back a small picture with her. It was the photo they had taken the previous day. Bucky grabbed it and went to the bedroom again. Steve and Nat followed him this time. Bucky was fumbling with something, but he finally set it back down and took a step away so they could see.

On the nightstand beside the bed, there was a lamp and two pictures. The black-and-white one with Bucky and Steve, and the new one with all three of them. Bucky grinned with satisfaction, and so did Steve and Natasha. Steve noted that Bucky placed them on his own side of the bed.

* * *

They thanked Natasha before she had to head out again. There were now several inches of snow on the ground. Steve had ridden his motorcycle back to the house this morning, but he put it in the little shed in the back because of the weather. That was when he discovered that the shed had a whole stock of advanced tools and machinery all labeled with “Stark” on them.

“We should get to the grocery store for food, but it’s really cold out right now. I hate to say this, but we should probably just consider delivery again for dinner tonight,” Steve said.

Bucky nodded.

Steve grabbed a heavy coat, and handed his second coat and a pair of boots to Bucky. They had always been the same shoe size, which was lucky. Steve then disappeared into the closet, and when he came back out, he was holding something small and black. He reached up and pulled the beanie over Bucky’s head, making sure to tuck his hair behind his ears first.

“There, now you won’t get so cold,” he said with a little smile.

Steve grabbed Bucky’s hand and pulled him out the front door.

“I haven’t made a snowman since I was little, and it’s about darn time that we made the best snowman this city has ever seen,” Steve said enthusiastically.

Bucky smiled, but stood on the front steps, looking a bit shy with his hands behind his back.

“C’mon! Help me out here,” Steve said as he started rolling a little ball of snow.

Something hit Steve in the shoulder and sprinkled the side of his face with cold snow. He looked over at Bucky, who was standing very still, trying to look innocent.

“Be careful what you ask for,” Steve said deviously, “they used to call me the demon of the snow, you know why?”

Bucky tried to look confused, as if he had done nothing wrong, and Steve took off on a sprint towards Bucky, bending low to scoop up snow in the process. Bucky ran and giggled as Steve hit him with a snowball. They began running around the house, ducking behind trees and trying to hit each other with snowballs. Bucky was laughing uncontrollably, and he laughed especially hard when he landed a direct shot in the face. The snow was so light and fluffy that they didn’t have to worry about hurting each other.

After getting hit in the face, Steve dropped the snowball he was holding and ran straight at Bucky. Bucky could have easily dodged him, but he let Steve tackle him to the ground anyway. They landed in the snow together, laughing. Bucky picked up a handful of snow and flicked it at Steve playfully. Steve leaded down and rubbed his snow-covered face all over Bucky’s chest and neck.

“There!” He shouted. Bucky kept giggling trying to push Steve away, but he wasn’t trying very hard. After Steve sat up, Bucky grabbed the front of his jacket and pulled him back down until their lips met. Bucky then quickly pushed Steve to the ground beside him and rolled over on top of him. They kissed for a while longer until Bucky finally sat up. His hair was crystalized and covered in white snow.

“Well I guess we could count you as a snowman now,” Steve laughed.

Bucky laughed and stood up, brushing the snow off. Steve got up too, and they continued to build a snowman. When they got three perfectly proportioned balls of snow, Bucky carefully lifted the smaller ones to stack them. He then dug around in the snow a bit until he found two rocks, which he used as eyes.

“We need a nose and two arms. Also a mouth,” Steve said. “I’ll be right back!”

Steve went into the house and came back out shortly. Bucky had found more rocks to form a little dotted line for a smile. Steve stuck an old cork where the nose should go, and then he stuck a wooden stirring spoon in for the right arm, and a metal spatula in for the left.

“See?” he said to Bucky. “It’s you!”

Bucky smiled and laughed a bit. Steve saw him shiver.

“Let’s go inside and warm up, yeah?” he offered.

Bucky agreed.

The house had a fireplace that was already stocked with wood. There was a small pile of extra wood out back beside the shed. The two of them changed into fresh dry clothes, and Bucky started making a pot of coffee as Steve got a fire going.

Once the coffee was done brewing, they poured two cups and wandered out to the living room. Steve wrapped a blanket around the both of them, and they sat in front of the fire in silence.

 _What a lovely day,_ Steve thought to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ordered a Winter Soldier Funko Pop figure, and it finally came in the mail today! I'm so excited!!!


	45. A New Mission

Steve’s phone rang. He rolled over and grabbed it off of the bedside table. Who in the world was calling him at this hour? Bucky stirred beside him as the checked the caller ID. The light was blinding, and he had to squint his eyes.

_Bruce Banner._

Steve answered in a groggy voice, “Hello?”

“Steve, I need help, please.” Bruce’s voice sounded awful. Steve had never heard him like this. He sounded frantic and pained.

Steve sat up quickly. “Where are you?”

“I’m at the park on Tenth and Maple. Please hurry, Steve.”

Steve told him not to move, and quickly changed into real clothes.

“Bucky, I think Bruce is in trouble. He’s at Maple Park across town. I only have my motorcycle, so you’re going to have to stay here. I’m sorry, pal. Hopefully I’ll be back soon. I’ll ask Nat to come get you if I’m not going to be back by eight.”

Bucky looked concerned and confused, but nodded slowly.

Steve saw that it was 3:43 and wondered what Bruce was doing in a park in the middle of winter. It had been snowing like crazy the last few days, and temperatures were far below freezing. He pulled his bike out of the shed and got it to the street. It took few tries to start it in the bitter cold weather. As soon as the engine was running, he sped off. The streets had been plowed, but they were still extremely icy. He had been riding for a little more than ten minutes, but still had about two minutes between him and the park. He was so concerned about Bruce that he didn’t realize he was soon going ten miles over the speed limit. He felt the tires lose traction beneath him as he was on a bend in the road, and his stomach twisted. His bike pulled out from underneath him, and he felt a crushing pain in his leg as he hit the pavement. There was a lot of noise and pain, but within seconds, everything went dark.

* * *

Bucky hadn’t been able to fall back asleep since Steve left. He was worried about Bruce. What had happened so late at night that lead him to call Steve? He had only briefly met Bruce, but he saw a lot in Bruce’s eyes that day. He knew Bruce had felt similar pain to that of his own. He wanted to meet him again someday. Maybe they would get along well. He seemed like a very genuine person.

The anxiety was killing him. It had been less than an hour, but Bucky needed to know what was going on. He began to worry about Steve as well. He started to feel sick, like something was wrong. _Damn it,_ he thought to himself. He couldn’t just wait here, but what else could he do? He sat on the couch, tapping his leg.

The minutes seemed to tick by as slowly as ever. It was torture. Each hour that passed felt like ten. Bucky knew he might be better off trying to distract himself, but the longer he waited, the more he worried, and the less he felt able to get up and do something to pass the time.

The room slowly grew brighter as the sun came up. At around six thirty, he heard a car door just outside. He practically ran to the front door and threw it open. Just as he had suspected, Natasha was fumbling to open the gate. A wave of relief came over him… until he saw her face.

Tears were streaming down it. She looked up and saw Bucky approaching her.

“Bucky, Steve’s hurt,” she sobbed.

Bucky’s body moved for him. He ran to the car and got in the passenger seat. Nat climbed in the driver’s side and pulled back out into the road. She was speeding, and the route she took was headed directly for the hospital.

A thousand thoughts raced through Bucky’s mind. He was shaking so hard that he could barely focus.

“He crashed his bike. Apparently I was the emergency contact in his phone,” Natasha could barely speak through her tears. Her driving was especially jerky, but Bucky didn’t care. He just needed to be to the hospital. God, he never wanted to go back there ever again, especially not for this.

Nat skidded into the parking lot, and before she even turned off the engine, Bucky was out of the car. She joined him and they walked quickly into the lobby. Natasha went to the front desk, asking for Steve Rogers.

Her and Bucky headed to the third floor where the woman directed them. They headed down the hall, looking for room 323. They were stopped by a nurse, who asked them where they were going. Bucky pushed past her, and Nat tried to explain to her who they were looking for. Bucky didn’t stay behind to hear the rest of the conversation.

 _Room 323._ The door was open, and Bucky walked straight in.

“Well, it turns out I’m not invincible,” Steve’s voice washed over Bucky like warm sunshine, and for a second, he felt relieved, “and I’ll probably need a new bike. Or maybe a car.”

Steve’s voice was so casual that it infuriated Bucky. He didn’t know whether to feel happy or angry. He marched to Steve’s bedside wanting to tell him off, to hug him, to punch his already black and blue face.

Tears were streaming down his face. He put his hands on his head and pulled back his hair, huffing in frustration.

“I’m sorry, Bu–”

Bucky kissed him right on the mouth so quickly that Steve it took Steve by surprise. He kissed him angrily, if that was even a thing, but Steve kissed him back. Bucky pulled away quickly, groaning and throwing himself down into the chair by the wall.

Steve looked like hell. His face was bruised all over, and he had several cuts on the sides of his face. Bucky could see that Steve had a large cast on his leg, and three of the fingers on his right hand were taped together.

“Buck… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” Steve said in a guilty tone.

Before Bucky had time to acknowledge his apology, Natasha came into the room, followed by the nurse. She said they were ok to stay, as it was already visiting hours.

Natasha took one look at Steve and knew he was ok, but she had the same exact emotional reaction as Bucky did.

“What the hell, Steve?” she said angrily.

“Natasha. Do you have Banner’s number?” He completely ignored her question.

“Yeah?” She said, a little taken aback.

“Call him, please. He was in trouble. I was on my way to meet him when I crashed. I need to know if he’s ok.” Steve’s voice was shaking. He looked suddenly terrified.

Natasha dialed his number and put the phone to her ear. After a few seconds, she hung up.

“No answer,” she said, looking worried. She cared a lot about Bruce, and knowing something might be wrong made her feel sick. Why was this all happening at once?

She tried the number again, but this time left a voicemail.

“Bruce, it’s Nat. Steve asked me to call you. He’s in the hospital. He got into a wreck on his way to meet you last night. He’s ok, but we’re all worried about you. Please call me back?”

Tensions from everyone were high after Nat hung up the second time. Even Bucky felt extremely anxious about Bruce. At least now that he knew Steve was ok, it was a little more bearable.

Steve sighed and put his head back against the pillow, looking frustrated and guilty.

“He needed me, and I wasn’t there. What if something happened? What if something happened, and I wasn’t there to stop it?” he was talking more to himself than anyone else.   
  
Bucky stood from the chair and approached the bed.

“I’ll find him,” he said quietly, looking at the ground.

“Buck, no. This is my mess, not yours,” Steve said.

“It’s what I used to do, isn’t it? Find people? Just trust me. I can do this.”

Steve looked upset and helpless.

“At least let me help,” Nat pleaded. She didn’t want Bucky off on his own like this. Not because she didn’t trust him, but because she worried about his well-being almost as much as Steve did.

Bucky shook his head. He bent at the waist to kiss Steve’s forehead.

“I love you,” he whispered quietly, only loud enough for Steve to hear.

“I love you too…” Steve whispered back, trying not to cry.

And with that, Bucky was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit ok, I know ya'll are probably a little pissed at me right now, and I swear I wouldn't do this without good reason. I didn't do it just to be mean, I did it so that even better things could come. Just bear with me and please don't hate me cause I love you all and I just want to make you guys happy...
> 
> I promise everything will be ok <3


	46. Retrieve

Bucky had been away for three days now. He was so close to finding Bruce, and he knew it. He made it halfway across the U.S., and he was hot on Bruce’s trail. If there was one thing Bucky was good at, it was tracking people down. He didn’t particularly enjoy using his old skills, but it gave him a sense of closure knowing that they finally came in handy for something good. Bucky was driving an old car he stole… Ok so his skills were coming in handy for _mostly_ good… the greater good. He promised himself that he would return it to the house he stole it from when he was done.

He was riding along an old two lane highway in the middle of nowhere, coming up on a small town with a gas station and a motel just off the road. He slowed when he noticed a light grey car. The license plate was what gave it away because it was the only one that wasn’t local.

Bucky pulled into the dirt lot and killed the engine. He stepped out of the car and walked to the little building with the motel’s front desk. He was wearing dark pants, a grey t-shirt, and Steve’s second winter coat, as well as the ‘I Love DC’ ball cap that Steve gave to him.

There was no one attending the desk at the moment, so Bucky quickly leaned over it and flipped through the log book for rooms and visitor names.

One name caught his eye: _Bruce Clark, room 122._

 _What a poor attempt at a pseudo name_ , Bucky thought to himself. He left the book as if it hadn’t been touched, and walked out to the parking lot again. As he drew closer to room 122, he made a decision to simply try knocking. He really didn’t want to break in unless he had to.

No answer met his knock at first, but after a few moments, Bucky heard the lock on the door click, and It cracked open a few inches. He couldn’t see Bruce, who was probably remaining hidden behind the door, and the room was too dark to see anything else.

“What are you doing here? I’m not even going to ask how you found me.” When Bruce’s voice came, it sounded rough and sad.

Bucky couldn’t force himself to respond.

At this, Bruce opened the door further so that he could face Bucky. Bruce’s clothes looked dirty and wrinkled. His hair hadn’t been brushed recently, and his face had been left unshaven. At seeing Bucky’s concerned look, Bruce let him in.

He turned on the lights and bolted the door again before reaching for his phone as Bucky got settled.

“I figured you’d find me,” he said.

Bucky tilted his head, looking even more confused.

Bruce clicked something on his phone, and Natasha’s voice began playing out of the speaker.

_“Hey Bruce, it’s me again. I don’t know if you’re getting these, but if you are, Bucky’s searching for you. He made a promise to Steve that he would find you. Please call me back? I’m really worried, Bruce. We all are.”_

Bruce looked at the floor with clear guilt on his face, “you want me to come back, right? You want me to come home?”

Bucky nodded. He was overall relieved that Bruce was alive, but now he felt obligated to get him back home safely too.

“I don’t want to go back,” Bruce said, walking to the bedside table to grab a bottle of whiskey.

Bucky didn’t really think it was Bruce’s style to be drinking like this. Bruce offered him some, but he just shook his head. He sat down on the hard couch as Bruce sat on the edge of the bed.

“So how’re you?” Bruce asked casually. Bucky sensed a hint of bitterness in his voice.

Bucky just eyed him, unsure of what to do.

“How’s Steve?”

Bucky really didn’t know what to do. He hadn’t thought this far ahead.

“Ok, well…” Bruce said, sighing loudly.

Although Bucky had only met him once before, he knew that something was very wrong. Bruce was so out of character that it was uncomfortable. All the warmth in his voice was gone, and he came off as abrasive and unapproachable rather than his normal kind and welcoming self.

They sat there for a long while in silence, and before he knew it, Bruce made it through most of the bottle. Out of nowhere, he began laughing hysterically. It made Bucky jump a little because it was so unexpected. He laughed and tried to speak through the giggles, “You know, it’s funny. All I want to do is die, but I’m the _Incredible_ Hulk.” His laughter persisted as he threw his arms out beside him, like he was showing himself off to an audience.

“Da da da! Now introducing, the one and only! Bruce Banner!” He hiccuped and continued giggling. He was laughing so hard that his eyes became watery. Bucky was getting extremely uncomfortable. He needed to handle the situation, but he had never been in one like this before.

“For his first act!” Bruce continued yelling. He opened the drawer of his nightstand and pulled out a handgun. An alarm went off inside Bucky’s head at the sight of the weapon. He jumped up from the couch, and it took everything he had not to charge at Bruce and attack. Bruce put the gun to his own head, now half crying, half giggling, and looked up at Bucky with a pained expression. Bucky was about to jump at him and take away the gun when Bruce put it back down in his lap.

“Just kidding folks,” His laughter was dying off, and he was now starting to choke on his quiet words. “Not an option for this big green beast of a man.”

Bruce put the gun back into the drawer and tossed the now empty whiskey bottle to the ground. He buried his face in his hands, and his shoulders shook. Seeing him like this made Bucky’s heart ache. He wanted to do something, to put a hand on his shoulder, to speak to him, _anything._ He wanted to, but his body was frozen in place. He took a deep breath.

 _Think of what Steve would do if Bruce was me,_ Bucky thought to himself. Bruce needed him right now. Bucky needed to overcome his fear for just a while. He forced one foot forward, and then the other. He continued slowly towards Bruce until he was at arm’s length. He reached his right hand out, hesitating a bit, and then placed it on Bruce’s shoulder. He gave a little squeeze.

Bruce looked up at him. He knew how much this meant coming from Bucky.

“What’s it like?” Bruce asked in a broken voice.

Bucky tilted his head questioningly.

“What’s it like to love someone who loves you back?”

Bucky thought for a moment, and then made a motion like a dagger to his heart, but he still gave a little smile.

“I’ve heard that too, that it’s painful,” Bruce said. “But still, it _has_ to be better than this…”

Bucky was still slightly confused, but he was piecing together the puzzle of Bruce’s seemingly tragic love story.

Bruce laughed sadly, lowering his head toward the ground. Bucky slowly sat on the bed next to him, keeping his hand on Bruce’s shoulder.

An awful sound came from Bruce as he began crying. He looked awful. His drunken state had left him unable to function. He cried out as he slumped against Bucky.

Bucky’s entire body tensed. He had to stop himself from jumping away. _Breathe. It’s ok, you know him. He is safe. You are safe._ Bucky repeated the words in his mind to help himself relax. After a short amount of time, he let his body slacken, and he let Bruce cling to his shirt. He could feel tears soaking through the fabric.

They were like that for an hour or more, but finally, Bruce cried himself to sleep. When Bucky noticed the gentle snores, he laid Bruce gently down on the bed and pulled the blanket from the foot of the bed over him. He then turned out the light and went to the couch to rest for the night.

* * *

At some point, he must have dozed off, and when he woke in the morning, Bruce was laying in bed with his eyes still closed. Bucky sat upright and stretched out his neck and back. Bruce was startled awake by some invisible factor, maybe a dream. He immediately looked like he was going to be sick. He made eye contact with Bucky and groaned.

“Please don’t tell me I threw all of my problems on you last night,” he said, sounding embarrassed and rubbing his temples.

Bucky shook his head and stood to hand Bruce an unopened bottle of water that had been tucked in the top of his duffel bag.

Bruce opened it and took a sip.

“I’m sorry,” his voice was scratchy and gruff.

Bucky gave a slight smile in an effort to comfort him.

“It’s only been a few days, and I’m already tired of this,” he motioned to the crappy motel room. “I thought I had finally found peace. I spent so much time on the run, and in the last few months I finally started to get comfortable. It was so nice.”

There was a pause before Bruce continued.

“I used to run from the government, from my friends, from society. I wanted to be away from people because I was afraid of hurting them. Now I’m running because I’m afraid of them hurting me,” he trailed off. His voice was so sad and worn that Bucky felt his heart breaking in two for the man.

“I’m pathetic,” he choked.

Bucky sat forward and shook his head with his eyebrows scrunched together. _Bruce, no,_ He thought. If only he could get a few words out…

Just then, Bruce’s phone started ringing. The shrill sound made both of them jump. Bruce picked up the phone and read the name on the screen.

_Steve Rogers._

He went to put the phone down again, but Bucky waved his arm quickly, motioning for Bruce to answer it. He sighed and hesitated for a moment before clicking _accept_ and putting the phone to his ear.

“Hello?”

Bucky could only hear Bruce’s half of the conversation.

“Steve, stop apologizing, please. This is all my fault, not yours.”

Silence.

“I’m ok, yes.”

Bucky felt a pang of sadness. He longed to hear Steve’s voice again. It had only been a few days, but he missed him so much. Steve must be worried sick about him and Bruce.

“I’m far away from there now.”

Bucky thought about the feeling of Steve’s gentle touch.

“No, I can’t, Steve. I’m sorry. I can’t go back there.”

The feeling of his lips.

“I just can’t. I can’t handle the pain anymore.”

The last words brought Bucky out of his daydream. He suddenly felt guilty. Here he was daydreaming about Steve while there was a man who felt he would never know love.

“Steve…”

The next pause was a very long one. Bucky could hear a very faint mumble of Steve’s voice coming from the phone now. Bruce’s eyes grew watery, and soon he was in tears. Bucky wondered what Steve was telling him, but he knew from experience that it was probably something worth crying about. Steve was always so good at making people feel loved and appreciated and valuable.

“Ok,” Bruce said quietly into the phone after several long minutes. “Ok.”

Steve added one more thing.

“Bucky is safe. He is here with me. Found me last night. He’ll be home soon,” Bruce said before saying goodbye and hanging up.

He sat in silence for a moment before taking a deep breath.

“Let’s go home, Bucky.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cried because Bruce is so sad about Tony... But can you imagine everything he must be feeling? He must feel unlovable because of who he is... I'm so worked up right now god damnit.


	47. Road Trip

They walked to the parking lot.

“Could we take your car?” Bruce asked. “I’ve kinda been hitchhiking.”

Bucky was confused. It was then that he noticed the car with the foreign license plate was already gone. So that wasn’t a clue that Bruce was here in the first place. It was lucky that the mystery car had made Bucky stop, or it probably would have taken him even longer to find the man.

Bucky nodded, and they climbed into the old car. Bucky started the engine and turned back onto the highway, headed home. Bruce fiddled with the radio, but it stayed silent.

“The radio doesn’t work?” he asked Bucky. “Your trip here must have been maddening.”

Bruce pulled out his phone and scrolled through his music.

“What kind of music do you like?” he paused, remembering it would be easiest to ask Bucky yes or no questions. He didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. “Do you like rock, R&B, jazz, classical?”

Bucky stopped him at classical, nodding.

“Wow,” Bruce said sounding shocked. “It’s my favorite too. Helps keep me calm, you know?”

Bucky nodded. Yes, he did know. Something about the instrumental melodies helped keep him grounded, even when he had a million things on his mind. As Bruce started playing an unfamiliar song, Bucky thought back to the day that Steve browsed through music for him. He missed Steve.

“So, how’ve you been? Doing alright?” Bruce asked.

Bucky shrugged and nodded a little.

“Steve thinks a lot of you, you know.”

Bucky didn’t understand why, but he didn’t really want to have this conversation. Maybe it was because he felt guilty… but guilty for what?

“He didn’t know what to do with himself when you went off for a while. His life came to a halt. He didn’t even feel like himself anymore.” Bruce looked over and saw the blatant guilt on Bucky’s face. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad. Please don’t take it that way. What I’m trying to get at is that you may not realize it, but Steve needs you just as much as you need him.”

Bucky’s stomach twisted. _What? No. Steve doesn’t need me. I’m just baggage. I’m overly needy and a flat-out mess. Why does Steve even want me around?_ All of the sudden, Bucky’s thoughts were consuming him. This is what he struggled with every night and every day. Sometimes he couldn’t sleep at night because of the overwhelming guilt about what he was putting on Steve. Steve put so much energy and time into helping him, and he felt like the worst person on the planet. He was on the verge of tears. Bruce’s words didn’t make sense to him. He said Steve needed him too, but how? Steve was perfect. Steve was invincible. Steve could get by even better if he wasn’t always dragging him down.

Bruce was still talking, “He was frozen for seventy years. He lost everything, everyone he knew and loved is now gone. He probably felt like his identity died with them. But Bucky, when he found you, all of that changed. You have given him purpose, you have helped him find himself again. You may think you’re the only one who needs help, but he couldn’t live without you there by his side.”

Bucky’s heart was racing. Was this true? It made sense when Bruce put it that way. Steve needed him too… Now he wanted to cry, but only because he was so happy. Maybe he did carry a lot of baggage, but could it be true that that didn’t make him all bad? Steve had brought a light to his life that he never thought he would see again. If he had been able to do the same for Steve…

A tear fell from his eye, leaving a trail down his cheek. Bruce noticed, and so he stopped talking and just smiled warmly to Bucky.

“I know what it feels like to be scared to get close to people, to be scared of hurting them or of putting too much on them. You and me are very much the same,” he paused, “but that doesn’t mean we are bad people, and that doesn’t mean we lack value to those we love.”

Bucky smiled to himself. Bruce turned to watch out the window in silence.

* * *

After several hours, Bruce offered to drive, and so Bucky pulled over at a small gas station. Bruce went and bought them waters and sandwiches. They sat in the car as they ate, and as soon as they finished, they were back on the road. They still had a long way to go, but they didn’t plan on stopping. They could take turns driving and sleeping through the night.

Eventually it came time for Bucky to drive again. It had gotten dark out, and only thirty minutes after switching, Bruce was fast asleep in the passenger seat. Bucky smiled, but felt sad when he remembered how upset Bruce was the previous night. He wondered who had hurt Bruce enough to drive him to a breaking point like that. He wondered if Steve knew who it was. The two of them had gotten very close, so he probably did.

He understood now why Steve was so fond of Bruce. He was a very kind and insightful man. Bucky felt extremely comfortable with him after their talk and the events of the night before. Even if that wasn’t a factor, Bruce was one of very few people that Bucky got a gut feeling that he could trust. It was that way with everyone Steve was close friends with. Steve must just be a good judge of character. Bucky blushed when he realized that meant he himself met Steve’s standards too.

After about five hours, Bruce stirred and sat up, looking at their surroundings to see if he could pinpoint their location. He offered to drive so that Bucky could sleep. Bucky agreed, and they pulled over to switch places again.

He didn’t realize how tired he was until he slumped down in the passenger seat. Sleep overcame him almost immediately, and he slept a deep dreamless sleep.

* * *

He woke to the sound of Bruce gently saying his name. He noticed even before he opened his eyes that the car was parked and the engine was off. He sat up, seeing that they were parked just across the street from Steve and Bucky’s home. Natasha’s car was parked in front of the gate. Probably not the best idea to leave the car he stole parked in front of his own home, but he cared more about seeing Steve right now. It was still so early in the morning that not many people were out and about anyway. He would return the car soon.

Steve and Natasha must not have heard the car pull up, because Bucky was halfway through the front yard before the front door opened and Steve came out on crutches with a smile on his face so wide that it made Bucky smile too. Natasha ran to Bruce and wrapped him in a hug. Steve balanced on one crutch and opened his arms for Bucky to hug him. He did, and he never wanted to let go. He missed this.

Steve called to Bruce, and there was a look of guilt in both of their eyes. Steve started to apologize, but Bruce cut him off, telling him everything was ok now, thanks to Bucky.

“He helped me off the edge,” Bruce said quietly to Steve after they had gone inside. Bucky and Nat were in the kitchen making coffee for everyone.

Steve wanted to ask what happened the night of the call, but Bruce started talking before he even said anything.

“I got low, Steve. I had a breakdown, felt like I needed to run, and so I did. Please don’t be hard on yourself. I’m not sure you would have been able to stop me even if you were there. Plus, it was probably best that you didn’t make it to me. I was a dangerous mess that night.”

Steve didn’t feel very reassured, but Bruce really did seem to be feeling better now, and Steve wanted to stay positive.

After that, no one bothered Bruce about the recent happenings, and the four of them just spent the day together as friends. Bucky returned the car to the driveway he had taken it from with a note attached to the window that read:

_Dear stranger,_

_I’m sorry for any worry I caused you. My friend was in trouble, and I needed some way to get to them. Thanks to you and your car, a life was saved._

_Sincerely,_

_A Grateful Borrower_

Bucky didn’t know what else to do other than leave the note. Hopefully it was enough to take some of the stress off of the person whose car he took.

He returned home and enjoyed the day with his friends. Now he had three of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm cryin cause Bruce and Bucky are like the same person on the inside :'(


	48. Two Guys And A Tree

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I included a lot of Artemis for you, devandot! (and for the rest of my lovely readers too!)

The skidding of paws on the hard wood floor woke Bucky and Steve. The sun wasn’t up yet, but the sky outside had grown a little lighter, indicating that morning was well on its way. There was another skidding sound and a rapid pitter-pattering concluded by a crash.

“What the?” Steve jumped out of bed, limping down the hall towards the sound. Bucky got up and followed.

“Oh… no.” Steve gasped. The place was a mess. Toilet paper had been strewn all around the living room, trailing all the way back to the bathroom. Some of it was shredded, and little white bits littered the floor. The coffee table must have been where they heard the crash from, because all the trinkets had been knocked over, and the books had fallen to the floor. They looked around for the culprit, and just then they heard another skid followed by a loud galloping.

A blur of brown and white fur zoomed past them and into the living room, taking a lap, and then zooming back into the kitchen again. Hope came groggily trotting out of the bedroom to investigate the noise.

“Ah, Artemis… the sun isn’t even up yet!” Steve said, giggling a little.

Bucky chuckled as well and turned into the kitchen. Artemis was standing in the middle of the room, frozen all except her tail, which was twitching from side to side mischievously. Bucky froze as well, and they looked each other in the eyes. Bucky made a swift move towards Artemis, and she burst into motion, trying to get by him. Bucky was too quick. He swooped down and grabbed the cat, lifting her squirmy body into his gentle arms. He tried to calm her by scratching her head and chin, and eventually, her body went lax, and she began to purr.

He smiled as he turned to see that Steve was standing in the doorway watching.

“Little devil,” Steve said in a cute voice to the cat.

Since they were too awake now to go back to bed, Bucky made coffee as Steve started cleaning up the mess. He put down some food for Hope and Artemis and then sat on the couch to enjoy his coffee with Bucky.

Bucky looked especially cute this morning. When he was brewing the drinks, he had tied up his hair in a little bun. His hair was a little too short, so some pieces in the front still fell down to frame his face. He sat cross-legged on the end of the couch as he took slow sips from his cup. Steve scooted closer to him.

“I love you,” he said.

Without making eye contact, Bucky leaned over to rest his head on Steve’s shoulder.

Bruce’s words came back into Bucky’s mind. _Steve needs you just as much as you need him._ He closed his eyes to take in the moment. Sitting on the couch drinking coffee like they were some ninety-year-old couple. Oh wait, they were.

Artemis, who was now calm, curled into a ball in Bucky’s lap, and Hope laid at Steve’s feet.

It really was a perfect morning.

“Hey Buck,” Steve said, breaking the silence.

Bucky looked up at him.

“I was thinking we should get a Christmas tree! Christmas is only a week and a half away,” Steve said.

Bucky’s eyes lit up and he smiled. He hadn’t had a Christmas tree since, well, the forties.

Steve smiled and told him to get ready so that they could go pick one up. Bucky showered and got dressed, and before they knew it, they were off. Two days ago, Steve finally found and purchased an old grey car from a neighbor down the street. He got it fairly cheap, and it was worth it. Now it was so much easier for the two of them to get places.

They pulled up in a parking lot where a local boy scout troop was selling trees. Together they picked out a lush eight-foot tree and strapped it to the top of their new car. They also stopped by the store to buy some cheap ornaments and lights and other necessities. Bucky took an unexpected turn down the Christmas candy aisle and picked out some festive hot chocolate mix.

When they got back to their house, they moved around some furniture in the living room to make space for the tree. With the two of them, it should have been practically effortless to get the tree in and set up, but because of the cast on Steve’s leg and hid need for crutches, it became a bit of a chore. After a good while, though, they managed to pull off the feat.

Steve pulled out the brand new boxes of ornaments and lights, and they began the decorating process. Bucky was so excited he could barely stay still. They worked together to wrap the lights, and once they had that done, Bucky went for the ornaments. He pulled out each one, admiring it before hanging it on the tree. Steve let Bucky take full charge over the arrangement of everything. He noticed how Bucky was being especially careful to spread out the colors evenly, so that there wasn’t one spot with too much green or purple or blue or red. It made him smile how Bucky was completely focused. When he finished his masterpiece, he looked to Steve for approval. His eyes were sparkling as bright as the lights, and Steve’s heart felt warm.

He held out the star to Steve.

“You want me to put it on?” Steve asked.

Bucky nodded, and so Steve took it and pulled up a chair so that he could balance on it to fix the star onto the top branch. Bucky helped him up onto the chair and held onto his waist so that he didn’t fall.

They realized that they didn’t have a tree skirt to complete the Christmas look, so they had to take a second trip to the store. Bucky was walking faster than usual toward the Christmas section, his enthusiasm radiating off of him. He quickly found a tree skirt that was red and green with little bells on the edges. He also looked up and found a pack of tinsel. Steve even found a Santa hat that he secretly grabbed when Bucky wasn’t looking. When they got to the register, Bucky saw the hat and looked at Steve with a smug smile.

The second they walked back through their front door, Steve lunged at Bucky and put the Santa hat on his head. He giggled, but realized that it looked even cuter than he imagined. He blushed a bit and quickly turned to wrap the tree skirt around the base of the tree. When he stood again, he spun around and came within inches of Bucky’s face. How had he gotten over here so quietly? Bucky grabbed him around the waist and kissed him. This made Steve blush even more, and he was sure his face was bright red now. When they pulled apart, he giggled again.

Bucky smiled and grabbed his crutch-free hand to lead him to the kitchen. He had the hot chocolate mix and insisted they make some.

* * *

Steve had never tasted hot chocolate like this before. It was the perfect sweetness with a hint of mint. They sat together on the couch, admiring the tree. Soon after, Bucky stood to put the tinsel on too. Steve watched him, and for a moment he felt the need to cry. He remembered back to when he first found Bucky that day so long ago… the dark purple circles under his eyes and the emptiness and loneliness inside of him. Bucky had come so far. He was so proud.

Bucky turned around, and for a moment, Steve was reminded of the Bucky from when they were only eight years old. His face looked worry-free, and there was a sense of innocence and happiness coming from him.

Steve smiled and leaned back to take another sip.

“This is the best Christmas tree I’ve ever had!” he said.

Bucky smiled and sat down next to him, hugging his arm and leaning his head into the crook of Steve’s neck.

Bucky fell asleep on the couch shortly after with his feet still in Steve’s lap. Steve needed a way to get out of the house for a while. He knew what he wanted to get for Bucky, but all he needed was time to go get it. When Bucky roused, Steve asked him if he would be ok while he went to help Sam for a while. Bucky nodded with a sleepy smile, and so Steve took the car and headed out on his quest to find Bucky the perfect Christmas gift.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so ya'll are lucky. I had really bad writer's block for the first half of the day, and it was so bad that I didn't see anywhere new for the story to go. I even considered bringing it to an end soon, but then a bunch of ideas hit me all at once, and I think you guys are gonna love them. I think it's gonna be a lot of fluff from here on out, but I know I'm unpredictable af, so I can't make any promises!
> 
> Talk to me ^.^


	49. Merry Christmas

“Bucky,” Steve whispered. Bucky didn’t stir, so he tried again, “Bucky.”

Bucky opened his eyes slowly. He was covered in a heap of blankets, and when he sat up, one of them fell to the ground beside the bed. Steve smiled and handed him a steaming cup of hot chocolate.

“Merry Christmas!” Steve whispered cheerfully.

Bucky rubbed his eyes and smiled. He shivered a bit, realizing how cold it was in the house. Steve went to the closet and pulled out his favorite sweatshirt, tossing it to Bucky.

“C’mon, I have a surprise for you!” Steve gently tugged at his hand, and grabbed his crutch to hobble to the living room. The tree lights were on, making everything seem very cheerful. There were three little boxes under the tree, each wrapped in a different color paper. Steve watched Bucky, who was soaking in the moment.

Just then, Bucky remembered something. He held up a finger to Steve, and hurried to the bedroom closet. He dug through his old duffel bag and pulled out a single box, about the size of his hand, wrapped in newspaper. It had a little origami bow on top. He remembered back to when he was trying to make the bow. He had found a basic origami book at café one day when he went with Steve. He ha tried to memorize the steps then, but it was hard to recall later on. When Steve had gone to the store one day, he took the time to try and make the bow. Twelve folded and wrinkled pieces of paper later, he finally did it.

He carried the gift out to the living room and set it under the tree among the other presents. Steve saw this and smiled. He hadn’t been expecting anything from Bucky.

“Go ahead!” Steve said, motioning to the tree. “The silver one is for Natasha, but the other two are for you!”

Bucky was hesitant to reach for the presents, so Steve bent down and handed him one. He unwrapped it slowly and carefully, and when he saw what was inside, he smiled. It was three movies, all wrapped together: The Wizard of Oz, The Breakfast Club, and Grease.

“All classics, by the way. I figured it’s about time I expose you to all the good stuff,” Steve said happily.

Bucky loved being able to enjoy all that Steve enjoyed. Doing things like watching movies helped him to not only feel like a part of the modern world, but also to feel a little closer to the one person he loved with all of his heart.

Bucky motioned for Steve to unwrap his gift, but Steve shook his head.

“I want to save that for last! Go ahead and open your second gift!”

Bucky nodded and turned to pick up the second present, which was wrapped in shimmering red. The box was very small and practically weightless.

Steve was doing his best to smile, but he was holding his breath. He didn’t know if this gift was the best idea, but it was too late to turn back now.

Again, Bucky unwrapped it carefully. He took the lid off of the little box inside and froze. He felt a little bit of terror come over him. He knew it was the Winter Soldier instincts that were rejecting what he saw, but he couldn’t control it. He wanted to throw the box in his hand, to yell, to lash out at Steve, but he couldn’t do that. So many memories hit him at once: _walking out of an alleyway with a scrawny Steve Rogers after saving him from a bully, talking to Steve on the steps of his front porch, seeing supersoldier Steve for the first time in Zola’s lab_. Some of these memories he had forgotten until now. _Standing with him on a snowy mountainside while waiting for a train… falling… pain… emptiness. Faces started to flash in front of his eyes, all with terrified expressions, begging him for mercy…_ _NO,_ Bucky thought to himself. _I am James Buchanan Barnes. I am Bucky._

He dropped the box, and Steve’s face turned to horror. He made a move towards Bucky with an outstretched arm, but paused when he remembered it might be best to not touch him at the moment. This was all his fault. Why did he think this gift was a good idea?

Bucky put his hands over his ears and pinched his eyes shut.

 _Control it,_ he thought to himself, _breathe. I am Bucky Barnes. I am Bucky Barnes. I am safe. I am home._

He opened his eyes and saw the contents of the box, now spilled over onto the carpet. He noticed something he hadn’t before, and suddenly a wave of warmth and comfort came over him. He was able to catch his breath, and he slowly calmed himself and his heart rate. Steve was standing five feet from him, looking terrified and ridden with guilt.

“I’m so sorry, Buck. I–”

“No,” Bucky whispered. He bent down to gently pick up the box and the gift.

Steve bit his cheek, feeling tears coming to his eyes.

Bucky raised his head and looked to him, “Thank you, Steve.” He then stood to hug him. He hugged him so tightly that Steve knew it was alright. Maybe it was a good idea after all?

Bucky pulled away and hung the silver chain around his neck. Attached to the chain were his dog tags from the war seventy years ago. He wondered how Steve got them, but he didn’t want to ask. They were just as they always had been, except with one new addition. Behind the tags hung a new charm: a pendant with the design of Captain America’s shield. The sight of the shield was what calmed him. At first he didn’t see it behind the tags in the box, but when the necklace fell to the floor, it was exposed. Bucky felt comforted by the fact that it represented both him and Steve, together. Now that he was calm, he appreciated having his dog tags back, too. It would give him some piece of his old self to hang onto to remind him that he was indeed James B. Barnes.

Bucky snapped back to reality and remembered that he still had a gift for Steve. It wasn’t much, but he figured that Steve would enjoy it. He handed the little newspaper-wrapped box to Steve, who proceeded to peel off the paper.

He opened the box and immediately started laughing. The tag attached to the undergarments read “Vintage Captain America Briefs”. They were patterned with little pictures of the comic book version of Captain America, along with the words “The Star Spangled Man” pasted in between each little Cap.

“Where the hell did you get these?” Steve laughed, imagining Phil Coulson wearing them. Bucky hadn’t even left the house. How did he even find these?

“Bruce and I made a stop on the way back from Kansas,” Bucky said in a quiet but happy voice, laughing a little.

Steve couldn’t control himself, that little shit still had his sense of humor after all. He hugged Bucky.

“I guess getting underwear for Christmas isn’t always a bad thing. Seriously, I think these are my new favorites!”

Steve really genuinely enjoyed humor of the gift more than anything, and it was definitely a great choice for a Christmas present. He was still giggling and blushing about it while they went to cook breakfast. They heard a scuttling sound and saw that Artemis was having a blast with the remains of the wrapping paper.

“Merry Christmas, you strange specimen,” Steve said to her from the doorway of the kitchen. “And to you too, girl!” he said as Hope trotted into the kitchen with a wagging tail.

“We should make some breakfast for Hope too! Something special,” Bucky said. He sure was talkative this morning. It took Steve by surprise, but he tried to act as if it was the norm to help Bucky not feel awkward.

“Yeah of course! She would probably enjoy some hash browns!” Steve added.

They went about the day, chatting and laughing. Bucky was making an extra effort to be more vocal, and Steve was enjoying the conversation immensely. It probably helped that the air in the house was especially cheerful today.

Natasha was scheduled to come over in the afternoon with Clint. Bruce and Sam also agreed to join them for dinner. Natasha volunteered to man the cooking for the night, and so Steve didn’t even try to argue. He went to the bedroom closet and brought out a few more small wrapped gifts that he had forgotten to put under the tree sooner.

“These will be from us, and they’re for everyone,” he said to Bucky.

“Oh ok,” Bucky said cheerfully.

Bucky started cooking the hash browns while Steve started on the eggs. The house was soon filled with the delicious smell of food, and the two of them laughed again about the underwear as they prepared breakfast. Steve even broke into song as one of his favorites played from his laptop. Bucky giggled.

 _Damn, I’m so in love with this idiot,_ he thought to himself for the thousandth time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧


	50. Oh Happy Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so I'm terribly sorry for this, and I know I promised daily updates, but I'm not sure I'll be able to steadily put out chapters for the next week or so. After that it will go back to normal, but something happened and I'm not dealing well. I'll still put out as many chapters as I can manage, but they most likely wont be one a day as usual. It'll only be like this for about a week.
> 
> I just posted this as a new chapter because it was the only way I could reach you, but I'll just edit this and put in the content of the chapter when I get it written. 
> 
> I'm so sorry, and thank you for bearing with me. I love you all so much.

By the time that five o’clock rolled around, Natasha and Clint were in full swing of making a five-course meal. Well, mostly Nat, but Clint was doing his fair share of bustling around Steve and Bucky’s kitchen. Bruce was a bit late, but he showed up before they had any reason to worry. Sam came full of festive cheer. Steve had never really seen him so enthusiastic. He was usually very calm and collected, but he guessed the Christmas spirit was infectious.

“Heyo!” Sam hollered when Steve opened the door.

He proceeded into the house carrying two bottles of wine, which quickly got Natasha’s attention. She shook her head at him, but still had a smile on her face.

“Oh! And for you, my queen,” He pulled a bottle of sparkling grape juice out of his coat. He clearly had it stashed there knowing he would get such a reaction from Nat. She rolled her eyes but smiled.

“See, baby?” Clint said, smiling and grabbing her shoulders from behind. “He’s got ya covered.”

Natasha quickly turned and flicked his nose playfully before vanishing back into the kitchen. Hope was overjoyed to see so many happy people around, and she got plenty of love from all of them. Artemis was currently nowhere to be seen.

Bruce fumbled with the record player on the table by the wall, and within a few minutes, there was some Christmas music playing. Luckily there was a ‘Christmas Classics’ record along with the rest of Tony’s pre-stocked collection. It felt like ages since Steve had last seen all of his friends together like this. Everyone was so joyful today; it was beautiful. He looked to the archway between the kitchen and living room where Bucky stood, one arm crossed over his stomach to hold his side. He looked shy and slightly uncomfortable, but Steve could tell he was happy. His eyes were twinkling and a small smile was lingering on his face. Bucky liked watching everyone interacting. It wasn’t so easy for him to interact too, but he didn’t feel left out because of it. He had come to know Nat and Bruce fairly well, and it was getting easier for him to relax in the presence of less familiar friends like Clint and Sam.

Everyone was incredibly kind to him without being condescending. They all said hello to him upon arrival and made efforts to talk to him in a way that didn’t require answers beyond a nod yes or no. Clint talked to him about his most recent adventures in gardening with Nat. He said he was the opposite of a green thumb, but he tried nonetheless. He had just finished building a little raised planter in Natasha’s backyard so that they could try growing tomatoes and carrots and such. Bucky listened intently to the story, and he smiled and chuckled the entire time.

Steve saw that the trash can was growing fuller, and so he decided to take it out. He put on his boots and carried the bag out and around the side of the house to the trash bins. It had begun snowing again, but it wasn’t too cold out to be bearable. When he came back around, he saw Sam standing on the porch waiting for him.

“It’s a nice place you have,” he said.

“Thanks, Tony was nice enough to rent it to us,” Steve replied, stopping to lean on the railing.

“You know, I’m really happy for you two. It looks like your both doing great,” Sam said in a casual but heartfelt voice.

Steve just looked at his feet and smiled.

“I can tell he’s helped you a lot too,” Sam continued.

Steve looked up at him questioningly. He knew it was true, but was it really that apparent?

“You were kind of a wreck before, no offense,” Sam said in a light tone.

“Yeah, well I guess this is what I’ve been needing all along.” Steve was pretty sure he was blushing a little.

Sam patted him on the shoulder and smiled before turning to go back inside.

Bruce was now sitting on the couch. Artemis had come out of the back hallway and was cautiously assessing the situation. Bruce reached out his hand to coax her over. She looked skeptical, but she slowly advanced toward him. Steve watched as she got closer and stretched her neck out to sniff him. She sniffed for a very long time before proceeding to rub her head on his fingers. He smiled and scratched behind her ears. Before long, Artemis was in his lap, purring and stomping his legs. Bruce looked simply delighted.

Natasha had completely taken over the kitchen. Steve walked in and almost had a pan swung at his head.

“Out, Rogers! I told you _I’m_ making dinner!” she said.

“I was just coming to see what you were making is all!” Steve said defensively.

Earlier, Steve kept insisting that he help out. He considered himself a gentleman, and gentlemen didn’t sit around and let other people do all the work. However, Nat seemed to be very enthusiastic about making a special Christmas dinner, and she didn’t want anyone sabotaging her plans. She seemed to be enjoying herself. Steve knew she tended to take pride in her cooking skills.

When dinner was ready they all sat around the table, barely fitting, and dug into the food. Bucky sat between Steve and Nat where he was most comfortable. As he took a bite of prime rib, he realized just how good of a cook Natasha was. Hope paced around the table, waiting for someone to drop food to her. As they ate, they talked about anything that came to mind. At one point, Sam brought up Tony, and Bruce hesitated to take another bite of food. Bucky noticed how he set down his fork and reached for a glass of water, looking a bit pained. Wait, was that who caused Bruce so much heartache? Thankfully, Steve jumped in to quickly change the topic.

“We should have another get-together, like we did for Natasha’s party!” Steve said, trying to direct the conversation away from something so sensitive. Maybe not the best change, but hopefully it would help.

“Yeah, definitely,” Natasha said, catching on to Steve’s diversion. “But I mean that’s kind of what we’re doing today, right? I missed all of you, and I haven’t seen Sam in ages.”

Sam looked her way and made a kissy face, causing Clint to give him a joking angry look.

Bucky smiled to himself. Natasha was right. It was great to see everyone again. Not that he didn’t enjoy all the time alone with Steve, but something about a larger group of friends was so refreshing in small doses.

* * *

After dinner, everyone pitched in to clean the kitchen and then gathered in the living room. Artemis was following Bruce around like he was a giant can of tuna with legs. Steve looked around at everyone before walking to the tree.

“Bucky and I got everyone some gifts,” he said.

“Might want to take a second look under that tree, Steve. We all got gifts for everyone,” Sam said with a smile.

Steve hadn’t actually noticed how the small pile of presents under the branches had grown. All the boxes were small and neatly wrapped, but everyone had indeed brought gifts for each other.

“Well,” Steve said, “I guess we should sort them all out then!”

Bucky helped Steve sort out which presents went to which person, and soon everyone had all of their gifts. They went around, each person opening one gift at a time. Bruce got everyone something thoughtful, and Clint got everyone something rather humorous. He didn’t give anything to Natasha, but Steve figured he gave her something very nice at home. Everyone had gotten a gift for Bucky. Frankly, he didn’t expect it, and when he opened them one by one – first getting holiday coffee from Sam, then a leather-bound journal from Bruce, and finally a nice tan book bag from Natasha and Clint – he was brought to tears. They thought about him enough to bring him Christmas gifts?

It was the day Bucky had always wanted. He thought it was a tad selfish to think this way, but he really did enjoy the little bit of extra attention. It made him feel real and valuable to people other than just Steve. Sometime around 1am, Bucky finally crawled into bed beside Steve. Everyone had gone home, and the house was quiet.

He flicked off the lamp on the bedside table, and reached out in the dark for Steve’s hand.

“Did you have a good day?” Steve’s voice came through the dark.

“Mhmm,” Bucky replied quietly, nodding his head.

“I’m glad,” Steve said, “I’m really proud of you, Buck. You’ve come so far, and yes. I notice.”

Bucky blushed and was suddenly thankful that Steve couldn’t see his face. He felt Steve’s lips press against the back of his hand.

“Goodnight, Bucky. Merry Christmas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, thanks for bearing with me. It took everything I had to get this chapter written over the course of a few days, and it's still pretty short. I hope it satisfies. I've really missed you all, and I'm so lucky that you are so sweet and caring. Thank you for all your concern and kind wishes. Really, it made a big difference knowing there are so many of you that care and worry. 
> 
> If any of you have questions or just want to talk, feel free to message me over tumblr (not-nearly-sane.tumblr.com) or email (rixtide@gmail.com). I know some of you are probably curious as to why I've been away and to be honest, I'd love to talk to any of you. If you send me a message just let me know your AO3 username (if you usually leave comments) so that I know who you are!
> 
> Thanks for your patience and love. I'll have the next chapter posted whenever I can. <3


	51. Uno

Several weeks went by this way, perfect in every aspect. It was staring to get warmer outside as spring was in full swing. Bucky was slowly starting to feel human again, like he was totally in control. He had gone 43 nights without a nightmare. Steve didn’t know, but he had been counting. He was even opening up more to Sam, who had come to visit a few times in between all of his busy days. Bucky had always felt ashamed of how screwed up he was. He was embarrassed about his breakdowns, and attributed his good days to nothing more than luck. However, in the last few weeks, he had been constantly rehearsing the conversation he had with Bruce in the car. He wasn’t worthless. He wasn’t a burden. He had value. He mattered. Bucky had slowly been learning to appreciate his own efforts towards recovery, and for the first time ever, he was proud of himself for fighting so hard and making it this far.

One morning, when Steve and Bucky were sitting on the living room floor drawing together, Steve’s phone rang, and upon seeing _Mutasha,_ he picked it up.

“Hello,” he said enthusiastically.

Bucky listened in, but couldn’t make out Natasha’s muffled words through the phone.

“Ok, ok, calm down! That sounds like a great idea! I’ll talk it over with Bucky,” Steve said happily before hanging up the phone.

Bucky looked at him expectantly.

“Natasha says that she thinks it’d be fun for the six of us, including Bruce, Clint, and Sam, to go camping,” He informed Bucky. “We could take a trip to the mountains, it’d be fun, don’t you think?”

Bucky no longer felt as anxious about hanging out with their close friends. He nodded with an excited smile.

After a few minutes had gone by, Steve called Natasha back, saying they were in. She told him that everyone else had agreed as well, and that they would be leaving Friday morning and staying until Tuesday morning. The location was TBA.

Steve looked at Bucky after hanging up the phone. “Well, I guess this means we need to go shopping for camping gear.”

Bucky nodded in agreement.

They got dressed and jumped in the car to head to the nearest superstore. Steve was texting back and forth with Natasha, trying to figure out everything he would need to buy or bring. Bucky was always thankful that Steve never texted while driving. It put his mind at ease a little. The parking lot was nearly full, but thankfully they found a spot out near the back. When they stepped out of the car, there was a mother walking by with her daughter, who looked to be about six years old. The young girl stared at Bucky’s metal arm with a gaping mouth and slowed almost to a stop. Her mother yanked her along, scolding her in a loud whisper for staring. Bucky suddenly felt self-conscious of his arm. Usually it didn’t bother him to get the occasional funny look or stare, but the fact that the girl’s mother was treating it as if it was taboo to address made him feel like an outsider. He hadn’t felt that in a long time, but he was brought back to reality when he heard Steve’s voice again.

“So, we need a tent that the two of us can share. Natasha has a tent for her and Clint, and Bruce and Sam are going to share a third one. We also need sleeping bags, charcoal, firewood, a lantern or flashlights, and anything else we think would be fun to bring,” he said, reading the items from one of Natasha’s texts.

Bucky nodded, still looking a bit distant. Steve didn’t notice the girl and her mother earlier because he had been focused on the list. Upon entering the store, Bucky felt a bit overwhelmed. This was probably the biggest store he had been into in a long time. He tried to take deep breaths. There were so many people everywhere. That would explain the full parking lot. He probably wouldn’t have been so shaken normally, but something about the girl’s mother had thrown him into a spiral of anxiety. He felt like everyone was staring a him, and he tensed every time someone squeezed by him. He took one deep breath after another, but he felt very dizzy, like he needed to sit down. He noticed his heart rate had gone up, and Steve was still wrapped up in the flurry of text messages. He wanted to call out to Steve. He had been doing better with being vocal lately, but in a place like this with people around? _No way._ Even though he had been talking more, no one but Steve or Nat had been around to hear it.

Out of nowhere, an angry-looking man cut Bucky off with a shopping cart, and a flood of people came his direction. Steve didn’t notice, and soon Bucky lost sight of him. He began to panic. He ducked into an aisle that only had one other person browsing the office supplies. It was an old man that didn’t look threatening in the least. Bucky’s heart was racing. He needed somewhere to sit. He needed Steve. Suddenly he felt angry at Steve. He brought Bucky to this place and then just left him behind? He felt the urge to throw the nearest desk organizer, when suddenly he heard a familiar voice.

“Bucky! Oh, I’m so sorry, bud. I thought you were right behind me, and then you were just gone all of the sudden!” Steve looked genuinely worried. He noticed how pale Bucky looked. “Are you ok?”

Bucky’s frustration quickly melted away. He was still shaking, but he nodded his head. He felt safer now. Steve reached out and grabbed his hand.

“C’mon, I know it’s busy here, but just try to focus on helping me find these things and it’ll fly,” Steve said with a warm smile, holding out the list to Bucky. Bucky read the list and looked up to the signs hanging from the ceiling around the store. He pointed at one that said ‘outdoor/camping’.

“Oh, good!” Steve said.

Steve tried not to make a big deal out of Bucky’s moment of panic in the middle of the store, and Bucky couldn’t be more grateful. He knew Steve wasn’t blowing it off. The way he held his hand was reassuring and comforting. By the time they made their way to the camping aisle, Bucky had managed to get his heart rate down, and his shakiness was lessening. He tried to focus on the task at hand, and he helped Steve pick out a tent and two sleeping bags. They filled the little buggy Steve brought along with the items they needed, and on the way to pay, they saw the board game aisle. Bucky paused to look at all the games, and Steve stopped with him.

Bucky held up a small box of cards.

“Uno?” Steve said. “That’s a great game!”

Bucky smiled and tossed it into the buggy.

* * *

“Going camping?” The cashier asked Steve.

“Yeah, we’re going with some friends this weekend,” Steve replied.

“Aw man, I love camping. I always go with my family. I have five brothers!” the woman said.

“That’s a lot!” Steve smiled at her. He always loved seeing people happy at work.

She giggled and finished scanning their items.

“Have a good day!” she said, handing him his receipt.

Steve and Bucky waved as they walked out the door.

They loaded everything into the back seat, and Bucky climbed into the front, still holding onto Uno. He wanted to see how this game worked tonight. Maybe Steve would want to play too. 

* * *

“Uno!” Steve called, sticking his tongue out playfully to a very frustrated Bucky. If Steve gave him one more draw four card, he would know the wrath of his Russian ways.

Steve won on his next turn, placing a blue four on top of Bucky’s red four.

“Yes!” Steve said, rolling over backwards on the floor with his hands up in the air. Bucky eyed him, trying to look angry.

“Whatcha gonna do about it?” Steve asked him.

Bucky leapt across the playing area, scattering the cards in every direction and tackling Steve. Steve laughed and tried to push him away, but Bucky managed to maneuver his way in to steal a kiss. He couldn’t keep up the angry look and started blushing. Steve booped his nose and they shuffled before another round. Even though Bucky didn’t win a single round, he still thought it was a lot of fun. This camping trip was going to be awesome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Managed to write another chapter this morning. I hope you all like it. Thanks again for your support <3


	52. Off To See The Wizard

On Friday morning, Bucky woke to Steve making him breakfast. He was making pancakes, which had come to be Bucky’s favorite. He always made a stack because he knew Bucky would eat at least five of them with maple syrup. However, Bucky refused to eat them without whipped cream. In fact, Bucky refused to eat several things without whipped cream. Steve knew to keep at least two cans in the fridge at all times now, because the one time he didn’t, Bucky threw a playful fit, slumping to the floor against the fridge and fake-crying for a solid fifteen minutes. Steve tried to pull him up to his feet, but Bucky very purposefully made his body limp so that this would be nearly impossible. Steve laughed uncontrollably at Bucky’s hilariously over-dramatic fit, and from that day forward, he never made the same mistake.

When Bucky came out of the bedroom with pj pants and messy hair, he was greeted by a plate full of pancakes with extra syrup and a mountain of whipped cream on top. He smiled and hugged Steve, giving him a kiss on the cheek before taking the plate from his hands and sitting down at the table to eat. Steve poured out more batter and started talking to Bucky from across the kitchen.

“So we’re all meeting up at Natasha’s house at eight. From there, we are going to go in two cars. Natasha and Bruce volunteered their cars, so that’ll be that,” he said.

“Mmm,” Bucky mumbled through a mouth full of pancakes.

Steve went for a second to the table and sat in the chair next to Bucky. He started running his fingers through his long hair to try and smooth down the mess, and soon he found himself twirling it over his fingers because it was so nice and soft.

“Oh shoot!” He said, jumping up and rushing to the stove, where his pancakes were burning.

After a hearty breakfast, the two of them piled all of their camping gear into the car and went to Nat’s house. They arrived right on time, and Bruce and Clint were already there. Shortly after, Sam pulled up in his nice car. When he got out, he was hauling several items including a sleeping bag, a military-grade tent, and a bag of food and supplies.

They packed all the things into Natasha and Bruce’s cars. Bucky and Steve decided to ride with Bruce so that Clint and Sam could ride with Nat. Natasha threw her keys to Clint.

“You drive!” She said with a grin.

Clint shrugged climbed into the driver’s seat.

Bucky let Steve have the passenger seat in Bruce’s car. Bruce had the radio on a random station, but it was turned down so it didn’t matter too much. They pulled onto the road to follow Clint and prepared for the four-hour drive ahead of them.

* * *

Bucky listened to Bruce and Steve talk. Steve was telling stories from the thirties and forties and the war. After a while, their voices became more so background noise for Bucky. He was watching out the window as they began getting into a more mountainous area. There was leftover snow from winter on the highest peaks in the distance. The trees got thicker, and soon they were surrounded by forests and steep mountainsides. Bucky looked into the thick foliage and suddenly got a strange feeling, like they were alone. There were no other cars on the road with them, and the area was unpopulated.

This wasn’t the familiar sense of loneliness, though. Bucky was used to feeling isolated from everyone, closed off, cold. This wasn’t like that. This was… peaceful. Yes, they were alone, but they were together. Bucky knew that it wasn’t just him against everyone else any more. He was a part of society now, and it was beginning to feel real.

He dreamt of wandering through a cornfield. The stalks stood far taller than he did, so he couldn’t see anything but green. He pushed through them, but couldn’t see anything that gave him a sense of direction.

 _What do I do?_ He asked himself.

He stopped and closed his eyes. He didn’t like keeping his eyes shut anywhere but at home. He felt that if he kept them shut, it gave someone a chance to sneak up on him. Nevertheless, he made himself stay like that.

 _Listen,_ he told himself. _What do you hear?_

There was a faint sound of chirping that was growing closer. He tried to listen for more. He heard insect wings buzzing through the corn. He heard the wind blowing over the field. He heard… everything. All the sounds were in unison, but at the same time, each one was distinct. Bucky felt a sense of calmness and peace wash over him.

* * *

“Buck,” he heard his own name, and he was brought back to the back seat of Bruce’s car. He felt a little shocked at first, but it soon wore off.

“We’re here!” Steve said, looking back at him from the front seat.

“Bucky stepped out of the car and stretched his limbs. He felt groggy from the nap, and he wondered how long he was out. Steve walked up beside him and gently wrapped one arm around his back. Bucky leaned his head on Steve’s shoulder, and they took in the beautiful view. Their camping spot was close to a short cliff overlooking a lake. They were surrounded by trees, and the nearest camping spot was at least 100 yards away from them. This certainly was perfect.

Clint ruined the moment with a loud grunt as he lifted a rather heavy box of cooking supplies out of Nat’s car. Steve asked what he could to do help, and Sam suggested that they all get started on putting up their tents.

Bucky and Steve unboxed their newly-purchased tent for two. They laid out the base and put together the metal bars. Bucky used a rock to pound the steaks into the ground at the tent’s corners.

Steve was trying to figure out what went where, when suddenly, Bucky jumped away from the tent, hollering in pain. He held his right hand close to his chest, and his face looked livid.

“Hey, Buck, what’s wrong,” Steve asked, “are you ok?”

Bucky held out his hand, and his pointer finger was already starting to turn reddish-purple. He had smashed it with the rock while handling the steaks. Steve walked up to him and cupped Bucky’s hand, gently pressing his lips to his knuckles, trying not to touch the part that hurt. Steve saw out of the corner of his eye that Bruce and Nat were giving them ‘awww’ looks.

Bucky seemed a bit embarrassed, and blushed as he quickly got back to helping with the tent. When it was finally up and ready, Steve stoop tall with his hands on his hips.

“They didn’t call me the Star Spangled Man with A Plan for nothing,” he said to Sam, grinning stupidly and jokingly.

Sam huffed and rolled his eyes. He had his own tent up within seconds. He walked up to the little cliff and looked out over the water. Clint joined him and they exchanged some words that Bucky couldn’t hear. He watched the way they talked to each other. They were almost military-like. Standing with wide, well-balanced stances, keeping their bodies fairly rigid. They were both hardened men, just like Bucky. Steve had told him about Sam’s fallen friend, and he knew just by the look of Clint that he was an ex-assassin. The people that he was surrounded by were all just like him.

* * *

After getting together the three tents and all of their cooking necessities, Natasha built a fire so that they could start cooking some food. They decided on hamburgers for lunch, and so the cooking commenced. They all lounged around drinking soda and talking about whatever came to mind. It was always relaxed with these five, and Bucky liked it. He never had to say a word, but he loved listening to them and laughing with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: I'm alive haha
> 
> Didn't really have the energy to proof-read sooooo...
> 
> Hope there aren't any errors that are too bad lol. This whole chapter is kinda crappy and I apologize, but it literally took three days of making myself write a few sentences here and there to finish.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who's putting up with me right now! Give me until Sunday to get the next chapter out, and I promise that starting Monday I will get back to daily updates!


	53. The Hike

“Shall we get going?” Natasha said impatiently as they were all standing at the trailhead looking at the billboard with the map.

“Yes, your highness,” Clint said with a dramatic, low bow before her.

She playfully kicked his shin, and he pretended it hurt more than it did, hopping around grabbing his leg.

The trailhead was just at the edge of the tree line. The map showed how the path snaked through the forest and up to the peak of the mountain, and over to a second peak nearby. The trail was five miles one way, and they knew it was going to be laborious, but hey, they were superheroes. Between the two peaks, there was a small lake that had formed in the valley, and there was a waterfall that flowed into a second pond just below. Natasha was the only one to have been there before, and she said it was the most beautiful place she had ever seen.

Bucky noticed how Bruce talked a considerable amount less than the rest of them. He was quite talkative one-on-one, but in a group his words were fewer and farther between. He seemed to look a little lonely to Bucky. It made sense. Nat and Clint weren’t very subtle, and then there were Steve and Bucky. Sure, there was Sam too, but being with two couples probably reminded Bruce a lot of his own heartbreak. He was doing his best to keep on smiling, but Bucky knew loneliness better than anyone, and he saw hints of it in Bruce’s eyes here and there.

They started down the trail. At first it was only a slight incline through the trees. The path wasn’t as popular, and so it wasn’t as worn down and distinct. At one point, they were all sure they were lost, except for Clint and Bucky, who insisted they were going the right way.

“I guess our instincts are superior,” Clint whispered to Bucky, chuckling a bit.

Bucky didn’t always like thinking about his past, but something about being with another ex-assassin made it easier to bear.

Bucky wanted to ask Clint about his past. He wanted to know if he got nightmares too. He wanted to know if he was normal for remembering and fearing the faces of the people he’s killed. These thoughts didn’t weigh him down as much as they had in the past. He was able to quickly change his focus to the hike again, and it wasn’t difficult to maintain his upbeat mood.

Steve knew Bucky had very keen senses, and he wondered if he was listening to the birds and the bugs, locating them and observing them. Bucky was always very observant. Steve noticed him always keeping tabs on his surroundings, even if he was totally focused on something else too. He glanced backwards at his long-haired boyfriend. Was it ok for him to think of Bucky as his boyfriend? They were technically dating and living together after all. They slept in the same bed, for Christ’s sake. Bucky was so beautiful. Even when his hair was a mess and he was wearing old clothes and raggedy hiking boots, he was beautiful.

Steve suddenly felt tears of joy come to his eyes, but he did everything he could to hold them back. What had he done to deserve this happily ever after with the love of his life? Bucky was a blessing to him. He didn’t deserve it… did he?

* * *

 

The sun was blaring by the time they got to the first peak. It was bright, but on top of the mountain, there was a bitter cold wind. Natasha forced them all in for a photo at the top, and then she commanded them all to make a silly face for a second photo.

They made their way quickly down into the little valley. The wind was blocked, and so it was considerably warmer where the water was. They took a break and set down their packs. Natasha took off her shoes and socks for a moment and was standing by the water’s edge of the lower pond, observing the waterfall.

There was a loud splash that startled everyone. They all spun around to see that Sam had pushed her in and was now laughing so hard he couldn’t breath. Natasha was gasping for air, yelling about how the water was absolutely freezing.

“Hey, pony boy,” Clint called towards Sam. His tone was friendly. “That’s my girl you just messed with!”

Sam seemed to know what was coming for him, because he hurriedly stripped his shoes, shirt, and shorts off, leaving only his boxers. Clint ran to shove him in, and Sam braced himself. What caught him off guard was that while he focused on Clint coming towards him, Natasha snuck up from behind and pulled him in with her. He too emerged from the water gasping and shivering.

“Come on in,” he said to Clint, shivering so hard that he was shaking, “the water’s fine!”

Clint laughed and started to turn away.

“Chicken!” Natasha yelled after him.

He stopped in his tracks and turned to her and Sam. He immediately started undressing until he was in only his undies, and he ran at full speed, jumping and canon-balling into the water, trying to splash the two trouble-makers.

Steve, Bucky, and Bruce all laughed from a few yards away.

“They’re insane,” Bruce said between giggles. “That water can’t be more than sixty degrees.”

Bucky just shrugged and kept laughing.

The three in the water kept splashing around for a good ten minutes before they finally deemed it too cold to continue. They got out and dressed. Natasha’s clothes were soaked, but apparently she had anticipated someone pushing her in, because she brought an extra set. She wandered behind some trees and came out wearing a new shirt and pants. Sam and Clint were stuck with soggy undies now.

They took a while to eat some snacks before heading up the next peak. By the time they reached the top, they were all getting pretty tired of climbing uphill. Thankfully, the trail looped back around to the main path, so that they didn’t have to climb back over the last peak again.

By the looks of it, it would be getting dark just as they finished the hike, and so they wanted to get back as quickly as possible. They all hiked at the quickest pace they could manage, and because all of them were in pretty good shape, they got back quickly, just beating the sunset.

The second they walked back into their camp, Bucky tossed his bag into his tent, and walked to the cliff’s edge. He sat down with his feet hanging over the edge, looking out over the water. The sun was setting over the mountains just across the lake, turning the sky a brilliant red-orange.

He heard someone come up behind him, and deduced from the walking pattern that it was Steve. Steve sat down beside him, also dangling his feet over the edge. He scooted closer to Bucky after a few seconds, reaching over and pecking his cheek.

“What a place, huh Buck?” Steve said in a quiet and tender voice.

Bucky nodded slowly, savoring the view.

Steve put his arm around Bucky’s shoulders.

“I love you,” he whispered.

In reply, Bucky leaned his head against Steve’s neck.

 _I love you too,_ he thought silently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wish I could add something in, but I'm too tired and need sleep, and I know how I can include it later! :) I'll be back to daily updates now!


	54. Disaster Zone

After the sun had gone down, Sam built a fire. He was having trouble getting the firewood to light, so Bruce came to his aid. Nat and Clint had brought enough camping chairs for everyone, and so they all squeezed in beside each other to form a ring around the fire. Without the sun, it was growing quite cold. Thankfully they had warmth from the flames.

Bucky scooted his chair as close as possible to Steve’s, and they shared a blanket that barely fit around both of their shoulders. Steve could hear Bucky’s teeth chattering a bit, and he told him to hang in there.

“We can zip our sleeping bags together to make one big sleeping bag. We’ll stay warmer that way,” Steve whispered so that only Bucky could hear him. Perhaps Bucky was trying not to give anything away to the others, but the only response Steve got from him was a faint smile.

Bruce went to the car that was parked nearby, and brought back two boxes of graham crackers (the cinnamon kind), marshmallows, and chocolate. Everyone’s faces lit up at the sight of this. S’mores were a traditional camping necessity. Thanks to Bruce, their trip was now complete. Natasha was the first to break into the marshmallows. She wandered to a tree nearby and broke off a thin branch. She then proceeded to sharpen it with a small knife she kept under her pant leg. Sometimes Steve forgot that sure, she was bubbly and loved bunnies, but she was also a secret full-time badass too.

She stuck the sharpened tip through a marshmallow and began roasting it over the fire. She was careful not to let it burn, and she spun it at a steady pace until the whole thing was golden-brown. Steve couldn’t help but admire her s’mores-crafting skills, and he reached for the bag of marshmallows himself.

Soon enough, everyone had their own sharpened sticks, and they were all preparing their graham crackers and chocolate. Steve had brought back a stick for Bucky too, and when Natasha passed him her knife, he hesitated a little, looking down at the knife as if it was a weapon rather than a tool. Steve could see his hand begin to tremble a bit, and so he reached over and wrapped his fingers around Bucky’s fist. Bucky finally shifted his eye contact from the knife to Steve, and his petrified gaze softened.

Steve whispered, “want me to do it?”

But Bucky shook his head. He wanted to do it. He proceeded to sharpen the stick and passed the knife to Steve. He looked relieved to be done with it. He had never made a s’more before. By watching Natasha and Clint, he got the hang of it pretty quickly, at least in his head.

 _Ok,_ he thought to himself, _so you have to toast it, not burn it._

He held the marshmallow over the fire, and spun the stick like he had seen Natasha do. He didn’t want anyone to know that he was a newbie, so he tried to act like he’d done it a million times. Unfortunately, his marshmallow came too close to the flame and caught fire. Bucky panicked and jerked his hand away. The swift movement put out the fire, but also sent the now-charred marshmallow sailing into Sam’s lap. Sam jumped when the hot mallow burned him through his thin pants, and he almost fell backwards in his chair while letting out a startled yell.

“These pants are new!” Sam hollered, not directing it at Bucky, but more so saying it out of frustration and shock.

Steve looked from Sam to a very terrified James Barnes. Bucky sat there, stick in hand, looking as if he had just walked in on the president posing nude. His face flooded with red, and he was frozen in place. Clint was laughing his ass off, and Bruce was frantically asking Sam how he could help. Finally, Sam turned his attention to Bucky.

“Hey man, it’s ok! Don’t worry about it. Just… maybe have Steve toast your marshmallows, you know, for my safety,” Sam chuckled as he spoke, and Steve could see that his lighthearted reply put Bucky more at ease.

Bucky was too embarrassed to toast any more marshmallows, and so the others kept offering him their own. He took one from Steve and one from Nat to make two s’mores, but after that, he was too full to accept any more.

* * *

 

The fire finally began to die out around two hours later. Steve shoveled some dirt over the coals to extinguish any danger, and they all split off into their own tents. Bucky and Steve crawled through the door of theirs and zipped the door shut. Steve turned on the battery-operated lantern he bought at the store, and they changed into sweatpants and t-shirts. Bucky slipped on a sweatshirt too, but Steve was warm enough without one. He never got cold easily.

“So how about that giant sleeping bag idea?” Bucky said quietly to Steve with a smile.

Steve looked delighted and immediately reached for the two rectangular bags and unzipped them, connecting the zippers and making them into one bag that was big enough for the both of them. Steve climbed in and motioned to Bucky.

“Come on in,” he smiled.

Bucky crawled into the warm sleeping bag next to Steve. They were so close. They always slept in the same bed, but there was something so different about this. Steve saw Bucky blushing and snaked his arms around him.

“What, Buck?” he asked cutely, nuzzling the back of Bucky’s neck.

Bucky giggled and tried to squirm away, but Steve held him tight. Within the last month, he had learned that Bucky was ticklish almost everywhere, and the new discovery had sparked a shitstorm of playful tickle wars. Bucky knew almost immediately what he had gotten himself into. He couldn’t escape Steve here. He giggled and tried to pull Steve’s hands away from his sides, but it was hopeless. He tried again to roll over and face Steve, but in the process of lifting his right arm above his head to make it easier to shift to the side, Steve tickled him again, and Bucky flailed his arm out of reflex. His elbow hit Steve square in the face, and Steve stopped tickling and covered his face with his hands. Bucky gasped and lay there paralyzed, his hands inches away from Steve’s face. He wanted to touch him, but he didn’t want to hurt Steve any more. What had he done? What should he do now? His mind was racing, and he felt so bad that he wanted to cry.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Bucky repeated over and over to Steve.

Steve pulled himself out of the sleeping bag, still keeping one hand over his nose and mouth. He rushed to the door and began fumbling with the zipper. Bucky crawled out to help him, and he saw blood seeping from between Steve’s fingers. At the sight of the blood, he couldn’t hold back the tears.

“I’m sorry, Steve. I’m sorry...”

Steve seemed to ignore him and practically fell through the tent door once Bucky got it opened and pulled back. He pulled his hand away from his face, and a stream of blood soaked the ground. Bucky couldn’t handle the sight, and felt nauseous. He had done this to Steve. This was his fault. He hurt Steve, and now Steve was bleeding. He pulled his limbs into himself as he sat on the sleeping bag. He wanted to help Steve, but his fear was keeping him from moving. He hugged his knees and started shaking.

Steve sat on his knees with a blood-covered face. He looked up to the sky and gently held his nose, trying to stop it. He pulled off his shirt and used it to wipe his face and cover his nose.

When the blood finally stopped, he turned to Bucky, seeing his guilt and panic.

“Hey, hey, Bucky,” he said in a nasally voice. “It’s ok, it’s just a bloody nose! It’s not your fault, ok? It’s mine, I was the one tickling you. I was asking for it! Accidents happen, and everything is ok.”

Bucky didn’t seem convinced. His breathing was still rapid, and he was rocking himself slightly, looking distant.

Steve made sure he didn’t have any more blood on his hands, and he went over to touch Bucky’s arm. Bucky flinched a little at Steve’s touch, but he didn’t lash out. Steve continued to talk to Bucky in a calm and quiet voice.

Bucky let out one faint and weak “I’m sorry” before Steve shushed him.

“No, don’t be. This isn’t your fault, and it isn’t even that bad. Look, it’s not even bleeding anymore!” Steve said to him.

Bucky finally looked up at Steve, but there was very apparent doubt and guilt on his face. Steve moved in to hug him, but realized he still had blood almost everywhere. He motioned for Bucky to come with him and took hold of his hand. There was a water spigot in all of the camping spaces, and Steve led Bucky to theirs. He pulled up the handle to turn on the water and used it to rinse himself off. He also did his best to rinse the blood out of his white t-shirt, but knew it was probably ruined for good. Bucky reached out to feel the water. It was freezing. The feel of such an extreme temperature helped him to feel more grounded. He then tried to feel Steve’s hand around his own. It was warm, and his skin was soft. Bucky worked on slowing his breathing, and soon he was feeling much better and less shaky.

When they got everything sorted, Steve felt his nose gently and concluded that it wasn’t broken, thank goodness. They crawled back into the sleeping bag after Steve’s quick change of clothes. Steve spooned Bucky and held him tight. Bucky felt thankful that he had someone who would hold him like this even after he hit them in the face. Steve dozed off quickly, but Bucky kept himself awake so that he could savor the feeling of Steve’s touch for a little longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun writing this chapter! I hope you enjoy it! <3
> 
> I'm starting to do much better now. Thank you to everyone who supported me and messaged me in the last week or so. It meant a lot! <3
> 
> Also, it's my birthday today! :D


	55. Such A Lovely Place

They woke to the sound of someone banging on the side of their tent. Steve jumped up, jerking the sleeping bag and Bucky with it. He heard Natasha sniggering just outside.

“Natasha!” Steve yelled at her.

“Wake up, sleepyheads! Breakfast is ready!” she said cheerfully.

They changed into day clothes and crawled through the door. Natasha walked around the front side to greet them, and gasped upon seeing all the dried blood on the ground.

“Oh my god, what’s that? Steve!” She said quickly.

Steve sighed, “Bucky broke my nose.”

Bucky’s face turned to guilt.

“Hey, I was kidding,” Steve smiled and nudged him.

“Damn ok, you two must have really gone at it–”

“Natasha!” Steve cut her off. He felt blood rush to his face.

She threw her hands up in the air and raised her eyebrows.

“What?” she said in an innocent voice.

Steve laughed and punched her gently in the arm.

“C’mon, breakfast really is ready. We’re all waiting on you! You can tell everyone what really happened.”

They joined everyone at the fire. They had made a large quantity of sausage patties over the fire, and Bruce was handing out granola bars from a small backpack. The morning was still chilly. There was a thin layer of frost covering the ground, and Bucky was once again thankful they had a fire to huddle around. It was that annoying time of year where the morning was freezing and the afternoon was hot.

Bucky took slow bites from the granola bar as Steve told everyone about Bucky rolling over and hitting him in the nose on accident. He left out the part about the tickle fight, and in fact he told a story that was completely fake, saying Bucky hit him in his sleep. Sam laughed and joked with Steve, telling him his nose did look a little crooked now. Steve rolled his eyes and chuckled.

“What’s on the agenda today?” Clint asked.

“We could hike again if you losers aren’t to tired from yesterday,” Natasha suggested. “There’s a path near here that just goes through the forest. There’s no incline, so it’s practically effortless, but the forest is beautiful.

Everyone looked around and nodded at one another.

“Sounds like a great idea,” Steve said.

* * *

 

When everyone was ready, they headed to the start of the path, which was conveniently not far from the camping area. Steve noticed how Bucky was totally encapsulated by the sounds of the birds in the canopy overhead. His neck was bent backwards and his mouth hung half-open. Because it was still early, there were more birds than there had been the previous day. F It was still chilly out, and everyone had on jackets. The sky was growing grey, and the smell of rain was already in the air.

“Hey, what if we get rained on?” Sam asked from the back of the group.

“Aw, is a little rain gonna hurt wittle Sammy?” Natasha asked jokingly.

“I’m just saying, everything back at camp will–”

“Just don’t worry about it! There wasn’t any rain in the forecast for the weekend,” Clint said.

Everyone knew that this was a fairly naïve assumption, but no one really wanted to turn back now. They trudged on through the trees until the path led them to a little stream. It was too wide to cross in one bound, and so they had to think up a solution.

Steve wandered off and brought back several sections of fallen log. He laid them all out together over the water and they were able to cross over without anyone falling in. On the other side, they stopped for a short break. Bucky pulled out a water bottle and drank a good quarter of it. Today’s hike was much more laid back and was more about exploring the forest than hiking.

They made it a few miles before deciding to turn back. The sky was growing darker by the minute, and they heard thunder in the distance. As they hiked back, they talked about Steve’s past self.

“I can’t imagine you as some scrawny punk kid,” Clint shook his head.

“Neither can I, but there is picture evidence,” Sam replied.

“You’ve seen it?” Bruce asked.

“We both have,” Natasha said to them. “It’s in his folder. And in books written about him. And at the museum exhibit about him. Seriously how have you guys _not_ seen it?”

Bucky chuckled to himself. He remembered the days when Steve was just a “scrawny punk kid”. He missed it sometimes. They days before the war, before the torture, the pain, the killing. He missed the days he could grab Steve with one arm and carry him around. He still probably could if he wanted, but only because he had inhuman abilities and a metal arm. Things were very different now, and he felt so distant from the Steve and Bucky they used to be. He started to feel sad when suddenly Steve threw his arm around Bucky’s shoulders, pulling him back to reality.

“Yeah, this guy used to be my personal bodyguard,” he said, laughing.

Everyone else laughed with him, even Bucky. More positive memories were flowing in now, like saving Steve every other day from some angry drunk in an alleyway. He used to be so reckless. Still is, but now his body can actually handle it.

By the time they got back to camp, they were all pleasantly surprised that it hadn’t rained yet. They all put up the rainflies over their tents just in case, and they also put up a canopy over the picnic table. Steve started cooking hamburgers and beans on the little grill by the table, and soon the smell of food had everyone’s mouths watering.

Just then, they heard a loud scuttle and saw a squirrel dart up a nearby tree. The sight of the squirrel made Steve think about Hope. Natasha had organized for Wanda Maximoff to house-sit and watch her bunny, and she promised to also stop by Steve’s house and check up on Hope here and there too. Steve really trusted her and Pietro. They were such genuine people, and when they got back from camping, he wanted to make it a point to spend more time with them. He was sure Bucky would get along well with them.

Just as they all started eating, the clouds finally let loose and there was an almost instantaneous downpour. Thunder boomed closer now.

 _Great,_ everyone thought to themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm excited for the next chapter! :D


	56. You Are My Friends

They all sat at the picnic table, trying to lean as far inward and away from the rain as possible.

“Damn it,” said Natasha.

The rain had put most of them in a gloomy mood. There wasn’t as much conversation going on now. They just looked like statues. The sight of them made Bucky upset. The trip had been so much fun so far! He wasn’t going to be the one to sit around and watch it get ruined.

He stood from the table and walked to his tent, getting soaked in the process. Unzipping the door, he quickly crawled inside and started digging through his duffel bag. _Aha!_

He came back to the table holding out a small red box to everyone with a smile on his face.

“Uno?” Natasha asked, looking up at him.

He nodded excitedly. Everyone else looked up at him and nodded in agreement.

The game started off slowly. No one was really having fun, they were all just going through the motions. Bucky was beginning to get frustrated. What did he have to do to cheer them up? He just wanted to see his friends happy.

Clint laid out a green seven, and Bucky slapped a blue seven on top of it. He looked to Steve with a mischievous grin. It was his turn next, and Bucky knew he didn’t have any blue cards. Steve huffed and drew. Then he drew again… And again. He ended up drawing a total of ten cards, and when he finally drew a yellow seven, he placed it on the pile and gently punched Bucky on the arm.

“That’s payback for my nose,” he said, finally breaking a little smile.

The others smiled as well at the joke. Bucky smiled and rolled his eyes dramatically. The canopy wasn’t doing all that great of a job keeping them dry. A breeze blew the rain across the table, and halfway through their first game of Uno, all the cards were soggy, and all of their clothes were wet.

That didn’t matter, though, because now everyone was smiling. Bucky did a silent impression of Steve crying and holding his nose, and this made everyone laugh even more. He looked around at everyone. _Much Better._

After a few rounds of cards, everyone sat around holding light conversation. The rain had not slowed one bit, but it didn’t really make a difference anymore. Everything was so wet by now, that more rain wasn’t going to make it any worse. Bucky shivered, and Steve wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“I hope Luna’s doing alright,” Natasha said to Clint. “Did I tell Wanda that her water needs to be changed every two days?”

“Yes, dear, you did. Don’t worry, I’m sure she’s loving all the attention from Wanda!” Clint replied in a reassuring tone.

Bucky thought about Hope and Artemis. He really missed them. They were staying one more night, but tomorrow he would get to see them.

“I never liked animals all that much,” said Clint, “but honestly when I met Luna my heart was changed.”

“I don’t know how I really ever got on without pets before,” Steve added. “They’re like that one best friend that tries really hard to do nice things for you all the time.”

“I’m just not fond of the hair or the smell,” Sam said.

“I remember when I was little. I had a cat named Jasper. The sweetest thing. She was blind, and every night she would come lay in my bed with me,” Natasha smiled as the spoke.

“Bucky had a dog when we were younger!” Steve said.

Everyone looked to Bucky. He nodded, suddenly feeling like he had been thrown into the spotlight. His dog was named Red. He would always sneak out, and quite honestly was a pain. But every time they thought he ran away or had been picked up by the dog snatcher, he showed up on their front doorstep again with guilty eyes. Bucky would always feed him scraps under the table. Sometimes his mother would catch him and scold him for it, but it never stopped him. Despite how much Red barked and how often he ran away, Bucky loved that dog. He looked a lot like Hope. Bucky wished he could tell everyone this. He wished he could thank them all for their friendship and trust. He wished he could say a lot of things.

Suddenly he became very frustrated with himself. He had friends, and he couldn’t even tell them a stupid story about a dog. Steve must have seen this on his face, because he squeezed his shoulder a little tighter in a comforting way. Bucky leaned into him and looked up to see everyone, still waiting expectantly for some kind of follow-up.

Bucky took a deep breath. Steve opened his mouth to continue the story about Bucky’s dog, but Bucky beat him to it.

“His name was Red,” Bucky’s voice was weak, and it took everyone at the table aback.

Clint and Sam had never heard his voice before, and they both suddenly looked much more invested.

“He was my friend,” Bucky’s voice shook at that last word. He was trying to control it. His vision was tunneling, and he felt a headache coming on.

Steve smiled and gave his shoulder another squeeze. He knew how hard this must be for him.

“Red’s a nice name for a dog,” Natasha said in an encouraging voice. Bucky was glad that she was acting so casual about this whole thing.

“He was my friend,” Bucky said again.

Steve was beginning to worry. He could hear fear and thick emotion in Bucky’s voice, and he was worried about him having a breakdown here. It would be difficult if he couldn’t get privacy from everyone, and it might make it harder to get him calmed down.

“They took him away,” Bucky continued in an airy and quivering voice. “They put him down because he bit a boy who was trying to hurt Steve.”

Steve felt a flow of emotion as well now. Red did indeed bite one of Steve’s bullies one day, and their parents demanded he be put down because he was a “dangerous and unruly dog”. Steve remembered how devastated Bucky was that day.

“I lost my friend,” Bucky was beginning to sound insane. He wasn’t making eye contact with anyone when he spoke.

Steve wanted to interject, but he saw how patient everyone was. None of them looked disturbed by his oddly depressing story. They all looked interested and like they cared.

“But it’s ok,” Bucky continued. “I have new friends now…” He raised his eyes to look back at everyone. Their faces all turned from sorrow to warm smiles. “And I won’t let anyone take my friends away this time.”

Natasha looked like she was trying to hold back tears, and Bruce looked extremely touched as well. Clint leaned closer to Bucky.

“Of course you have us. You’re our friend too, and you won’t have to worry about anything happening to us,” he said with a smile.

“Yeah, we’re not goin anywhere, Bucky,” Sam added.

Bucky smiled. There was still a pain in his eyes, but he also looked like he wanted to cry tears of joy.

What a blessing his new friends were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T-T
> 
> Guys I'm thinking about turning this into a series and making a little spin off about Bruce and Tony. It would probably be a more tragic story. Just an idea, what do you think?


	57. Compassion

Bucky lay next to Steve. The rain had gotten practically everything wet, but thankfully it stopped before they went to sleep. It was a few degrees warmer than the previous two nights, but Bucky still felt cold. Steve’s warmth at least kept him from shivering. Steve was fast asleep by now, but Bucky couldn’t manage to drift off. He kept thinking about Red and Hope and little Steve from back in the day. He thought about going to war, getting captured, being experimented on. He remembered the day Steve found him in Zolo’s lab. He remembered the train. Falling. Steve’s arm outstretched to him. Falling. Falling. Falling…

His head began to throb, and he reached up to cover his ears. There was a screaming that filled his ears, but he knew it wasn’t real. This always happened when he started thinking about the past. Despite his efforts to block out the noise, it persisted, growing louder by the second. It filled his head and made the pounding pain even worse. He let out a small whimper and curled his body so that his knees were to his chest.

Steve must have either heard him or felt him move, because he awoke and immediately wrapped his arms around him.

“Hey, hey. You’re alright. You’re safe. What’s the matter, Buck?” He spoke in a gentle voice.

Bucky didn’t hear him, though. He felt the arms around him, and it set off an alarm in his head that had not been triggered for a long while. He squirmed and pushed quickly away from Steve. The sleeping bag was too small. He felt like he had been tied up, and he struggled to get out. Once he was free, he sat up and slid to the far corner of the tent away from Steve. He was fighting everything in his head that was telling him to run. Why was this happening right now? He could see Steve’s mouth moving, but he still couldn’t hear him over the screaming in his head. He suddenly felt dizzy, and the world began spinning around him. He needed to get out of here.

* * *

He opened his eyes to see Steve looking down at him, his face covered in concern. Bucky’s head was resting in Steve’s lap, and Steve was stroking his hair.

“Bucky. It’s ok,” he said quietly.

The screaming was gone. What had happened?

“You tried to stand up and fainted,” Steve said as if reading Bucky’s mind. “Everything is ok now, Buck.”

Bucky tried to sit up, but Steve placed a hand on his chest.

“Just stay down for a while.”

Bucky rolled over and grabbed onto the fabric of Steve’s sweatpants.

“Why does this keep happening to me?” Bucky asked in a quiet whisper.

Steve’s heart broke a little at the sound of his pained voice.

“Because recovery is a long and treacherous path,” he replied. “But it doesn’t mean you aren’t doing great.”

Bucky craned his neck to look up at Steve.

Steve reached down and pulled Bucky up into a hug. He held him there against his chest. Bucky started to cry silently. He just wanted to be normal again.

* * *

They must have fallen asleep at some point, because the next time they woke, it was morning. Steve nuzzled into Bucky.

“C’mon sleepyhead,” Bucky whispered to him.

“Mmmm… no…” Steve said in a groggy voice.

“Yes, it’s time to get up,” Bucky chuckled a bit as he pulled on Steve’s sleeve. He woke up feeling like crap, but Steve was so cute that is was cheering him up already.

Steve groaned and hugged Bucky, wrapping both his arms and legs around him.

“Make me,” Steve said.

Bucky lifted Steve’s head and kissed him. They kissed for a good while before they finally pulled apart.

“Is that persuading enough?” Bucky giggled.

“Damn, can we do that again?” Steve said, losing all regard for his personal no-swearing policy.

“Only if you get up,” Bucky replied with a devious smile. He got up out of the sleeping bag and scooted across the tent.

Steve fumbled his way out of the bag as well and crawled towards Bucky, kissing him again.

“Mmthere,” he said between kisses.

When they finally pulled away from each other the second time, Bucky kept his arms around Steve’s neck.

“You make me so happy,” he said in a voice that was almost too quiet to hear. His eyes were closed and he rested his forehead against Steve’s.

“Oh Buck,” Steve said, “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

* * *

Natasha gave the two of them a big smile when they joined the others around the fire. Everything was still muddy from the copious amounts of rain the previous day. Steve and Bucky were always the last ones awake, but they were probably the ones with the most interrupted sleep as well.

“Good morning, sunshines!” Clint said cheerfully.

Sam stayed quiet. He looked a little groggy this morning. Bruce handed the two of them more granola bars.

“We were thinking on heading out a bit early today since everything is all muddy and wet anyways.” Bruce informed them.

“Ok, sounds good,” Steve replied.

They stayed around the fire for a bit, just enjoying the warmth. Soon after, they all began packing up their tents and belongings. Everything was a mess because of the rain.

Finally, they were packed and ready to head out. The trip had been fun, but Bucky was ready to be back home with Hope and Artemis. He couldn’t wait to play with his dog in the front yard again and to cuddle with the cat. He was always a sucker for her soft fur.

As for Steve, he wanted to thank Wanda for watching their animals and invite her and Pietro to their house sometime.

They pulled out and got on the road to take them home. Bucky was still drowsy from the night before and quickly dozed off with his head resting against the window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have some fluff! (╯✧▽✧)╯ 
> 
> Ok, so unfortunately, I think this fic is going to come to an end soon (within a few chapters). However! I made the decision to start on Part II (about Bruce and Tony) right after. Part II will be from Bruce/Tony's perspectives and will take place during the same time span that this fic did and beyond that. Meaning it will cover some things that happened from Bruce's and Tony's point of view (eg. Bruce's running halfway across the country and Bucky finding him, Bruce's time spent with Steve when Bucky disappeared for a few weeks, and also what takes place after the end of Part I) I am really excited and have some really great ideas. I would be really happy if some of you would continue to read my next work after the completion of this one! For all who are wondering, all of the other characters that were in this fic will still be included, and you'll probably see more of Wanda and Pietro!
> 
> Thank you all for your love and support. I couldn't have asked for a better group of readers! I love you all.


	58. Happy Endings

When they got back to Natasha’s. They were rather unsurprised to find that it was raining. At least they were able to go inside this time. Wanda came out on the front porch to greet them. Natasha gave her a hug, and Steve said hello.

“How’d everything go?” Wanda asked.

“Great!” Steve and Natasha said in unison.

Wanda smiled and looked back to the house.

“I think Luna is my favorite thing in the world now.,” she then looked to Steve, “and Hope as well. I think Artemis is scared of me, though.”

“It’s ok, sometimes she takes a while to get comfortable with others,” Steve reassured her.

Natasha went to help the others unload their things, but Steve talked to Wanda for a little longer.

“I see James is doing ok. He looks happy,” Wanda said.

Steve was unsure how she knew anything about him, including his name.

“Yeah he’s doing well. You can call him Bucky, he’s not fond of James”

“Oh, ok,” She replied.

“How’s Pietro?” Steve asked.

“He’s… alright,” she hesitated and motioned to Bucky. “I think you know how it goes. Some days are good, and some days are… well. Not.”

Steve had really only ever met Pietro in passing a few times. Maybe he was bad at picking up on things, but it never seemed like the kid was suffering. It made sense, with the past those two have had. Steve wanted to ask more about Pietro, but he really wasn’t that close to Wanda yet, and it also felt rude to talk about him behind his back like that.

“I know how that is,” He looked at his feet before turning his eyes back to Wanda. “Hey I was wondering if the two of you would like to come over for dinner sometime.”

Wanda looked surprised, so Steve continued.

“I mean, I’ve never really had the chance to properly get to know you two, and Bucky doesn’t really know you at all. If not, that’s ok, but I–”

“Sure,” Wanda said with a smile. “We’d love that.”

Steve smiled back at her.

“I have your number from the surprise party,” she said. “I’ll text you and we can figure out a good time.”

Steve nodded. Thank goodness that wasn’t as awkward as it could have been.

He went to go help with unloading, but by that time, they were practically done. Bucky had packed all of their own belongings into their car.

“Thanks for everything,” Steve said, looking around at everyone, “It was a lot of fun!”

Natasha hugged him, and soon enough, he and Bucky were headed home.

Bucky was quiet on the car ride, but Steve figured that it was probably because the nap on the car ride home had made him even more tired.

When they got home and opened he front door, they were greeted by a very enthusiastic Hope. She was so excited to see them that she almost knocked Bucky to the floor. Bucky smiled and scratched her behind the ears as her tongue flailed about like crazy. He knelt down and let her lick his cheeks, and he giggled with happiness.

* * *

Later that evening, the two of them sat together on the couch. Bucky was leaning against Steve’s chest, occasionally dozing off and jerking awake again. Steve was reading a book with one arm around Bucky.

This was the ideal life. Steve was as content as he had ever been. He thought back to the days of going to the hospital to visit Bucky. He remembered the silence. The emptiness that had once inhabited Bucky’s eyes. Steve looked down at him as he dozed off once again. This was so much different from then. Bucky had come so far. Steve was undoubtedly and unconditionally proud of him for everything he had done. Bucky was a fighter. He was strong. Maybe he still had a long way to go, but he was amazing, and Steve loved every bit of him.

This was how he wanted it to be. He wanted to live on with Bucky and become old men together. He wanted to eat oatmeal and play checkers in the park. Not everyone was so lucky, but he believed it would happen for them. They had made it through everything so far, so why wouldn’t they make it for another sixty or so years? Plus, they had so much more to do. They still had to get to know Wanda and Pietro, try that sushi place they were always driving by on the way to the store, learn to cook better calzones…

Steve gently kissed the top of Bucky’s head. The smell of his freshly showered hair was sweet and wonderful. Bucky jerked awake again and looked up at Steve. Those soft grey eyes were enough to make Steve melt. Steve leaned down to kiss his forehead, and he smiled sheepishly before leaning his head against Steve’s chest again. Somewhere in the next half hour, Steve became drowsy as well, and eventually he fell asleep there with Bucky still in his arms.

To be continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally cried when I wrote the last sentence. This story has become everything to me, and it helped me through even the roughest days. Thank you all. I would never have made it this far without your encouragement and love. Look forward to Part II! I'm going to probably take a short break, but it'll be up and running soon!
> 
> I'm really sad to be done with this, and I just wish I could write it again... Oh well.... on to the next one!!
> 
> Much Love,  
> Danielle


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